DARKLY DREAMING
by
Morelia Chihuaque

I looked out the window to see rain trickling down. Hmmm I always liked the rain. A blaring sound comes from my right, my alarm clock, and its 6:00am. I let out a long sigh slowly I get out of bed; I quickly get dressed and brush my teeth. I went to the mirror just to make sure my hair wasn’t a bird’s nest. A girl with black straight hair, pale skin, dull gray eyes. An all round just average girl.

Then I hear her voice like always. Riley: she’s arrogant, mean, and rude. Riley has been in my head for about a year. At first her voice was just a faint sound and I brushed it off. But gradually she got louder and louder. Her voice was like a fog that took over my head. I thought at first maybe she was my sub-conscious but her voice doesn’t sound like mine. Riley’s voice is higher pitched, and I have no control over her. I never reply to her when she talks because if I did it would just make her more real. Then it’s finally true; I’m a freak with schizophrenia and with a whiney voice in her head. Freak, that’s exactly what I am. But lately it’s just more than her tantalizing voice; I’ve been seeing her now. Riley’s silhouette is tall, skinny, brown hair, pale, and motionless eyes.

“Why do you bother looking? You look like crap anyways,” Riley sneers.
Just ignore it. Just ignore it.

“Awe sweetie, I’m in your head. You can’t just ignore me. I’m here forever FREAK,” she says with big emphasis on freak. I cringe slightly to the word.


School just went like a blur. It’s filled mostly with people I hate. I rarely even pay attention because Riley keeps nagging me to act on violence and anger I have towards these people. School mostly consists of constant slapping the rubber band to my wrist; leaving the skin under it pink and raw all the time. The slight pain reminds me that I’m still me; not riley and that she hasn’t taken me over. For the slightest nano-second I forget everything and just focus on the pain. It’s nice for once to be able to control the pain I feel.

I sit down on the school bench waiting for my dad to pick me up. Music is blasting in my ears, it surprisingly keeps her away. Out of the corner of my eye I see someone sit next to me in the bench. Ugh. I resist the urge to roll my eyes; it’s an unwritten rule to not sit down on a bench someone is already on. It just creates an awkward atmosphere. In my peripheral vision I see his lips move wordlessly.

Ugh he wants to talk. I quickly remove my earphones.

“Sorry what did you say?’ I ask.

Then I finally get to see a good look of his face. He had black hair, that was messily done, ocean blue eyes, straight nose, left lip piercing, and he had faint trace of a smile on his lips. As if he had his own personal joke going on. I did a quick up and down look just to not seem creepy. He was wearing a blue flannel button down, dark jeans, black vans, he was lean, long legs, broad shoulders, and fairly muscular. It was fair to say he was mildly attractive okay.
Why is he talking to me though? Mildly attractive boys don’t talk to me. I look behind me just to make sure it’s me he’s talking to.

“Oh, I said you have good taste in music. The Rogue, they’re one of my favorite bands,” he says.

Another reason to like my band brings cute boys.

“Mine too. Sorry the music must be really loud if you can hear it from my ear phones,’ I quietly say.

“Nah, it’s okay,” he send me a small smile.

There is an awkward 17 seconds, this exactly why you don’t sit on the bench. Oh god. He wants to talk more I guess. Not that I really mind but small talk isn’t really my specialty.

“So, are you uh new here? I’ve never seen you b-before, here I mean.”

Way to be smooth Willow.

“Actually no, this is my second year here. Guess we never bumped into each other till now," he chuckles lightly.

Then suddenly Riley decides to chime in.

“Well look at that little; Willow does know how to talk. You finally made a friend,” Riley says.

Block her out. Block her out. I hold out one of my ear phones to him.

“Do you want to uh listen?” I ask timidly fearing rejection so soon.

His face then breaks into this big, almost goofy smile; I couldn’t help but smile back a bit.

“Yeah okay,” he says still smiling.


I hand him the earphone. I bite my lower lip to smiling like an idiot. He scoots a bit closer so the earphone cord isn’t stretched out that much. He then reaches in his shirt pocket to take out this carton of cigarettes; he puts in his mouth. Then he reaches in the same pocket to light the cigarette that’s dangling from his mouth. He takes a few puffs, and then he offers me some.

“Oh, uh, no thanks. My dad would get pissed off if he smells it on me even more,” I say.

He gives a small nod. After about 10 more minutes, my dad finally arrives. I lightly tap him on the shoulder.

“Sorry my dad is here. I gotta go,” I say while picking up my stuff.

“It’s okay. I’m Jesse by the way.”

“Oh I’m Willow. Sorry, I should’ve introduced myself earlier.” I apologize.

“I bet you say sorry to all the boys you share music with. I’ll see you tomorrow, Willow,” he says, more of as a promise.


I don’t talk to my dad much. Just mainly “How was your day?” or “What do you want for dinner?” Which is strange since my dad is really the only family I have. My mom left us when I was about ten, so six years ago. My dad is in denial of course: he keeps saying she’s “missing”. He even filed a police report. You should’ve seen the look the police gave him. Filled with just pure pity, which is probably the worst look anyone can give you.

Riley doesn’t ever let me sleep. She can go on and on forever yelling insults at me and how horrible the world is. Sometimes its scary how horrible she is, Riley tells me to kill certain people, burn places, and to beat people. Basically she whines all the time. She never stops, so I usually never sleep till about five am. One hour of sleep. Great.


I walk my way the cafeteria to just get some water when I hear
“Hey Willow!” from Jesse.
I turn around to see jogging slightly to me: I only wave to him. Hm that was strange. He slows down and stops in front of me. Nope this is stranger. We both stand in the middle of the hallway facing each other. I look expectedly at him for him to continue.
“Hey is it okay if I eat lunch with you today?” He asks.
I laugh and shake my head lightly. I look up at him and see he looks taken back. Oh crap. He was serious. No one barley talks to me in this school. Except for Hazel but, she probably does it out of pity.
“Oh. You were serious. I uh guess if you want but I highly doubt you’d want to.” I say still expecting him to say he was joking. I hear laughing coming from a group guys in the hallway too. At least I’m not the only one who finds it funny.
“Yeah I want to. Come on lets go,” he says with a small smile.
Its four o’clock. Two hours since school was out and my dad hasn’t picked me up. He probably forgot or something right? I start to walk home instead and it’s about a forty minute walk. I walk into the house and hear sniffling from the living room. I turn to see my dad’s face in his hands and his elbows rest on his knees. Hes full out sobbing.
“uh dad are you okay?” even I cringe at my own words.
My dad lifts his head from his hands; he has red rimmed eyes, tears still spilling from eyes, and he lets out that hiccup sob. Wow.
“Oh yourmomdiedinacarcrashinRedding,” he says out in a mumble that I barely catch what he says. Redding hmm that’s not such long way from Humboldt. He suddenly grabs my arm and pulls me into his arms. That was unexpected so; I just wrap my arms around him slowly and just rub his back. He just continues to cry and my shoulder is beginning to dampen.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispers so softly.
I’m confused as to why so I just pat his back in response. Is should feel sad or angry right? But I feel nothing towards this woman. This actually even surprises me. I spent ten years of my life with her and I still remember her so vividly. Her tan skin, dark blonde hair, blue eyes, the birthmark on her wrist, i would draw on to look like a dancing potato, she was tall, and always smelled of applesall the time. I continue and wait to see if I will feel anything but, nope nothing. Then I realize I don’t really feel anything towards anyone. But she left us, without saying why or goodbye. I remember my dad those days, the first day he was so pissedas if blaming himself, throwing everything against the wall and the veins in his neck protruding more when he yelled. But after that day he just acted perfectly fine. He was nice, smiling to everyone, laughed, made my favorite dinners all the time, and just looked happy. A month after my mom left he was still being his happy self but, one day I was walking to his room at night because I used to be scared of the dark and being ten wanted my dad’s comfort, I was just outside his door when i heard sobbing from his room. I looked in and saw him just in mom’s old closet just crying. I didn’t know what to do so I just walked in my room in the dark that I hate so much but later became my best friend. The next day I was excepting him to be crying and be angry again but he was smiling again and laughing. Every day after that I went by his room and heard him cry. Then everyday he acted happy and okay. I realized that fake happiness is the worst kind of sadness.

Dad is still in my arms crying and then I do feel something, such hatred to this monster called mom. Shes a coward for leaving my dad and making him feel like nothing. In my head I hear “she deserved to die.” Only this time I don’t think it was Riley.

A week after she died we got a call from this man who was inviting us to her funeral; the man turned out to be her boyfriend of 5yrs and they have 2 kids. Hahaha wow fair to say my mom got around, this only made me hate her more. My dad almost broke down again when he heard that he was her boyfriend, but his smile only faltered for a minute and he kept smiling afterwards. sickening. He decided that he wanted to go to the funeral that was next saturday. This should be interesting.

Sleeping pills, my new best friend. I decided whats the worst that could happen right? Death? Suddenly doesnt sound like such a bad thing. The pills are the way that I can sleep to keep Riley out. I take twice the dosage so it takes actual effect. Sleeping is like a safe paradise when I do get it. I go away from everything gor awhile and its nice. Its like youre dead without the comittment. I probably sound ungrateful right? I am grateful for my dad and that I'm fortunate to have food and a roof over my head. I should be happy right? But I'm just not and I feel so goddamn empty I know there are people like me, with schizophrenia and probably abandoning mothers, hating who they are and who they aren't .I know there are people like me; so why do feel completely alone? But that doesnt really matter beacause I now theres people who actually deserve help and who are worse. So why bother with the self pity and the sympathetic looks people will give me; I just suck it up and do what my dad does, plaster a smile on even if its not real. Its easy as that.


Jesse comes up to me jogging in the hallway.

"Hey," he says out of breath. "Do you maybe want to go to lunch with me? I finally got a off of campus card." He rubs the back of his neck.

Perfect. Everything is going perfect.

"Ugh he must be desperate if he wants you," Riley says.

"I uh y-yeah o-okay," I stutter. He gives a nod and that big smile to me. I follow him to the his car, a 1967 Cheverlot Apolla, hm nice car. We drive in silence, except for the faint music playing. I fidget around and tap my foot excessivley.

"Jeez. He's taking you to lunch not going to kill you," Riley laughs. Even I bite my lip to stop from laughing. Oh how ironic Riley. After about ten minutes we pull into a Mcdonalds parking lot.

"I know its kinda sucky for lunch but, we only have thirty minutes and I'm pretty broke," Jesse laughs.

"I'm good with Mcdonalds," I say giving him a small smile.

We end up ordering the five dollar twenty piece chicken nuggets, it's the only thing that we both like from here, and it's quicker to eat. We orginally planned on ten pieces for each person but they gave us twenty-one. Then like the real gentleman Jesse is he gives me the extra one.

So far this is the information I have accumulated of Jesse Sordino: his favorite color is navy blue, has an uprising obesseion with flannel button downs (Jesse looks quite good in them so i dont mind), favorite poet is Christopher Pointdexter which i find weird (because really who has a favorite poet), absolutely hates Play-Doh with a burning passion, only child, and refuses to wear sweats or flip flops in public no matter what. Apparently he hates Play-Doh because when he was eight his friend put Play-Doh in his ear while he was sleeping; he had to go to the doctor to get it removed. He cringes, making his nose wrinkle, while telling the story.

We finally go back to school just in time before lunch is over. I just say thank you for the lunch.

"No problem. I wouldnt mind doing this again by the way," he says. Riley basically cackles.

"Yeah. Yeah me too. Well I gotta go to class. I'll see you later," I say waving and walking away.





Perfect. Everything is just perfect.


It' Saturday and the funeral is tomorrow. We started packing an hour ago and my dad still can't choose between the grey dress shirt or the black one; after about another hour of going back and forth he chose the grey one. It goes with his eyes. The drive to Redding from Humboldt is about three hours. We both finally get in the car and put the heater on because its freezing outside. I haven't heard Riley all this morning thats really weird. As we drive I just listen to my music blasting in my earphones just in case she does come back. I look out the window and a sudden rush of nostaglia goes through, like deja-vu. I've never been in Redding before so I can't just know this place. I continue to look out the window and suddenly flashes of memoreis of me in a bus in the same place. I quickly shake my head to readjust myself. After that I dont get anymore flashes of the memories but I still have that deja-vu feeling. We finally get into Redding after some greasy Jack in the Box burgers. My dad thought it would be awkward if we stayed with the boyfriend so we just stayed in the hotel. Still no sign of Riley. I dont know whether to be worried or relieved.

It's an hour before her funeral and I'm wearing a black lace dress much to my distress. I dont know why we're even going. I highly doubt she would want us there in the first place. Dad finally comes out in his suit and tie looking spiffy. He puts the directions for the funeral home in the GPS; after about 30 minutes we finaly pull into the funeral home. There still hasnt been any sign of Riley. Inside the building there is about 30 people in already, guess she was well known here. People everywhere are crying, saying she was so young to die, and that was she was a good mother. I almost laugh. There is a line to go to the body in the open casket to pay our respects. When we finally reach the casket I see my dad cry a little and I turn to look at the body in the casket. Then everything is coming back.






*Flashback*

Is like one of those out of body experiences where you can see yourself do everything. I'm in that bus again the one I saw in the beginning of the drive here. I look down at my phone: November 12, 2013 at 1pm. That was a week ago. The bus drops me off at some dingy diner place. I have this blue dufffle bag on my shoulder and I'm holding this piece of paper. After an hour of walking I stop at the front of this two story ,nice house. I knock on the door and out she comes out. My mom. Except with darker brown hair and more wrinkles froming on her forhead but, its still her. The bright blue eyes, the tan skin, and the still light scent of apples. She opens the door with a smile but, it quickly disappears when she sees who it is.

"W-Willow?" she asks with a shaky voice.

"That's me," I say. Except its not me. The voice is a tiny bit more high pitched and the glint in her eyes is terrifying. Riley. "May I come inside? We've got ten years worth of catching up dont we now?"

She looks taken back but, she still lets me inside none the less. I assume no one else is home because I hear no one else. I look around in the house filled with family pictures, cozy, children's drawing, and school awards. This could've been my life. Imagine that.

"Willow please just let me explain myself first okay. I had my reasons. I'll make some tea then we'll talk yeah?" she asks so desperately it makes my cringe but i nod.

She just gives a sympathetic smile. Dear god, I dont need your sympathy. Mom goes off into the kitchen to make the tea or whatever then i go into my duffle bag so, that i pull out a syringe filled with animal trannqulizer. What did I do? What did Riley make me do?
I than go in the kitchen to have my mom's back face me; I go up behind and wrap my arm around her shoulders then stick the syringe in her neck. Her body immediatly goes to dead weight; I drag her to the living room. I grab the keys to their Prius. I scoff, of course its a Prius.
The rest is just like a foggy blur until we're in some dark room. She's strapped down to a a table with duck tape on her mouth like a mental patient. Tears are streaming down her face and she desperately tries to be free; even I right now feel bad for her. I dont want her to die. But then she is, Riley, finally taking over what my sub-conscious is secretly wanting. Next thing I know I take a knife in my gloved hands and quickly pierce it in her heart. Blood rapidly pooling and coming out already. Her muffled screams come to an end. I see then "me" smile big and wide. I'm stunned. I did that. Well part of me did. I make it seem like a car crash. I crashed the Prius into a tree and pretended that a piece of glass hit her in the chest and placed a vodka bottle near her." Drunk driving." I clean up fast and go back home like nothing happened.




*End of flashback*

Riley tried to block that out of my memory that why she hasn't bothered lately. I realize that I'm back in reality. My dad grabs my shoulder.

"Hey I know its tough but, it'll be okay," he pulls me in a hug.

"Yeah. Thanks dad. Everything is way better now," I say smling into my dad's shoulder.






Perfect. This story is finally perfect. Im done.

I take my eyes away from the computer finally an crack my neck side to side. I spin around in my chair smiling wide. I look to my left to see pictures of Jesse littering every inch of my wall. Facebook pictures, photos that I took, and family photos that I took from his house. I go over and slightly skim my fingers arcross all the photos. I'm finally going to get to do it tonight after months of finding everything out about him. Straight down to the Play-Doh hatred. He's the perfect guy.

Then I look to my right to see the same thin except the photos are of my mom. It took me years to find her. She's good at hiding I must say but, not as good as I'm at finding. Every inch covered in her photos. There's a lot of her and her 2 kids. Poor kids are going to lose their mother tonight. Now they'll know what I had to go through. Oh well its her fault now.

In front of me I see Riley smiling wide like how she always does when I finish my stories. I go back on my computer and go to print my story. I feel relaxed and excited. See i write my stories each time I choose my victim or "client" as I like to say better. Each client is always a guy with black hair, grey eyes, and a lip ring. Always. I at least have one chosen each year. I like to write stories with me and him in some kind of happy ending where he actaully like me. Sad and Pathetic I know but whats the point when they're still going to die in the end. After, each story is finished I can finally "take them out". Also, its nice to write about a world that I care for where I don't let Riley consume me. Where I'm strong enoughto fight her off. But, this story was extra special because it has mom in it, Jesse, the perfect guy and my dad is in this one too for the first time.Also, instead I plan on how to get my mom. Better strategy. Perfect. Everyhting is just perfect.

I staple my story and put in on the shelf with all my other masterpieces. I skim my fingers across the spine of each story. I read their names: Mom and Jesse, Daniel, Liam, Ashton, Calum, Vic, Jaime, Michael, Luke, Tony, and Mike. Hmm oh the memories. On the computer I go click on Facebook on Jesse's page for the millionth time. I see his latest status of today.


Jesse Sordino: Tonight's party is going to be siiiiiiiiccckk!! The adress is 3425 Terrance Ave. again for those going!! :D


I know for a fact mom will be alone in her house tonight. Boyfriend is working late and kids at sleepovers. I'll just pull the whole "abandoned daughter wants answers from abandoning mom" card. Good. Everything is going according to plan. I grab my blue duffle bag and hang it around my shoulder. I like in the mirror to see myself but with big bags under my eyes, they're all blood shot and my hair getting thinner. I slightly put makeup under my eyes to cover it up. I walk into the mess of a living room that I have. Before I leave I plant a small kiss on the urn on the table.

"Bye dad. I'll be back later," I whisper.

"Tonight's the night," Riley and I say together leaving with a big, wide smile.