For Wilson, The Silent Warrior.

It was a day like any other, and you were a person like any other. Sure you isolated, but oh come on, name a person in that room that didn’t. But there was something about you; that made me wonder, I so desperately wanted to know what you were thinking. Your name was the first thing I found interesting about you. It was like it was meant for you. It was you. You were a rare Wilson; the only of it’s kind.

You left me speechless for the very few times we’ve talked. You left me curious to know more, to dig deeper, and I will forever argue with myself as to why I never did, in fact dig deeper. I feel like some people thought of you as a cocoon, and they were waiting for to turn into a butterfly, not knowing that you, Wilson, had hatched yourself along time ago. That this was you, and that you were about as good as a soul could get.

There is one conversation we had that I will never fully understand. It was on the day of you being discharged. Everyone was proud of you including me. But I remember there being this thought in the back of my mind “is he okay” and I also remember shaking it off. This is how the conversation went:

You: I’ve been clean from selfharm for two weeks.
Me: I’m so proud of you!
You: How long have you been clean?
Me: Uh. I don’t know I don’t keep track.

And you just stared. I never fully understood this conversation until now. A friend told me that you had been relapsing every night, and that you had been lying in therapy, I realized that I was indeed following in the same pattern. Relapsing and lying.

So what I’m wondering is, did you ever wonder Wilson? Did you ever wonder if I was lying too? Or did you know? Did you know I was lying? Am I going to follow in your footsteps Wilson, because taking pills and falling asleep only to never wakeup sounds like a dark fantasy?

I wish with all my heart I could’ve helped you Wilson. If I knew it was going to end this way I would’ve grabbed onto your legs and not let you walk out that weird backwards security door. I wish you would’ve let me in more. Not just given me little hints because I truly wanted to help.

Wilson now that you’re gone, people miss you more then ever, and that is truly sad. I miss you exactly the same. You are not dead to me. You are Wilson. And that means everything.

You fought in silence; you suffered in silence, it’s time to speak your mind.