I woke up the next morning in a blur of confusion. Did that really happen? Did I really loose him? Has everything actually changed? And by the puffiness in my face, and the way my eyes burned when i blinked. It did. I did. Everything has. And nothing was ever going to be the same.
And even though I would have liked to do anything but get up, and go to school, I did. I did my makeup as best I could, and tried my best to make it look like everything was okay. When it wasn’t. That i was keeping strong, even when everything was falling apart. But even with all of this happening, just a couple short hours before, brushing my teeth and getting into the car to go to school, got harder and harder.
The drive to the school seemed to pass by a lot longer than i wanted it to. And getting out of the car and walking into the lunchroom, into what i had to endure that day, i found a confidence that i never would have thought was there after that night.
Snide comments, side glances, wicked laughs, and painful stares. You see, betrayal can be a funny thing. And seeing him that day in class, was probably the hardest forty- five minutes of my entire life. No looks, no smiles. No laughs, no tears but my own. Salty, burning, sad. Turning my made up face into a sight of a mean red. There was no longer any point of pretending to be strong. So i just cried. All day, and most of that night. No more looking past it. I’d lost one of the most important people in my life, and he wasn’t about to be coming back either.
It was two weeks until school was back after winter break. Fourteen days, to clear my head. To let everything go and just move on. But everyday, it was the same thing. Everyday I got up around noon, and every night I went to bed around three. I never got a good amount of sleep, and every time I had the alone time to think, I thought about him. Thought about everything he ever said to me, and the way he made me feel. Often, very often, there were nights where I didn't sleep very much, or at all, because I couldn't calm my mind. I couldn't let it go, and I couldn't move on. And slowly, very slowly, I worked my way through the holidays. Had to put on the fake smile and give the hugs, smile at all the right times. But not talking to him killed me. Knowing that he was only so many miles away, and he was fine. He wasn’t crying, or stressing or even caring about me anymore. But I figured that was best. He didn't think I deserved his sympathy. Although I hate to admit it, he was right.
Eventually, after those agonizingly long two weeks, school came back in. And somewhere deep inside me i found the strength to paint on a fake smile, and breathe. I don't know where the sudden burst of confidence came from. I don't know why. But it was there. It gave me the strength to look right at him, right into his eyes, and smile.... Impossible as it sounds.
Coming back into school after that break... Well lets just say that there were a lot of people that hated me. I lost friendships I didn't even know that I had lost yet. It was real clear really soon. That the people that were supposed to be my “best friends” ruined all of the good friendships that I’d developed with people. That just as well to me. It was fine, I figured that everything happens for a reason.
Betrayal. It can be a hurtful thing.
And I really did hurt him. But then again, maybe I was just reflecting on how i felt about the whole situation. How broken I was after everything. Things were just taken too far. But maybe that was because, how he said he felt, wasn’t ever true. He never loved me. I guess he could have. But it definitely didn't seem like it to me. He doesn't look at me. Not in the way he ever used to at least. I make eye contact with him and smile at least once a day. I don't get anything in return. And thats just as well.
But i've promised myself that i will never forget. I wont forget the late night phone calls, the way he used to smile. The inside jokes, the notes passed in class. The secrets that I hope will never be known by anyone else. I'll never forget. Because I don't want to forget. Then at least, if I never get back the way things used to be...Ill always have the memories to hold onto.
I've realized that things really do change for a reason. That we let go of people for a reason, and we let others in for an even greater reason. And that sometimes, when things break, its better to just leave them broken, than to cut yourself trying to put it back together.
Betrayal. Its a funny thing. A real funny thing.