“Tell us a little bit about yourself…”

One day I will come into power. Those who deny my awesome regime will perish. But then again, so will the infidels, saboteurs, and the stupid. Only a small fraction of the world’s population will even survive my anal process of elimination. Most will die.

My first plan of action will be to exile all those I deem imbeciles to a remote, desert island of my own choosing. Removing these people from the metropolitan areas and the commercial cities will increase production and rid the workforce of that nasty infestation known as inadequacy. I don’t necessarily intend to kill the inhabitants of this island off – that will be much too costly. Instead, I plan on harnessing their sullen spirits to feed the animals, for I myself will not be willing to ingest such waste. And as a righteous ruler, I will never subject my minions to a task at which I was not predisposed.

Unlike previous rulers, I will not settle for mediocrity, a mistake too often made throughout history. With one fell swoop I will wipe the face of the earth clean of its evils. Not only will the unprecedented population crisis be quelled, but, in turn, world hunger and economic depression will be shadows of the past. The conspiracy theorists and dissenters will likely denounce the likes of my methods as sadistic or abrasive. But I am strongly convicted that, to each her/his own. And, fortunately, my system surpasses that of ethnic cleansing.

Some say I lack the talent, the charisma, the diplomacy… I’ll just charm them with my sparkling personality and undeniable good looks, and my vow to spare their lives.