My name has two meanings. In Hebrew culture it is the name of God. In modern Israeli culture it’s the name of the archangel of life and death. Something both highly praised, yet heavily feared. To me, it means purgatory. It is like a gray sky. It’s stone cold. It is the disrespect I receive, and the patience I have.

To refute being named after a god or an archangel, I used to go by many nicknames. Hawk, by my grandmother, for having hyper observant tendencies, and Wolfgang, by my grandfather, for being able to tune the untunable, creating a mural of sonics with whatever I can get my hands on.   I liked the name Hawk, until I realized they’re shot down from their realm above the rest, by the rest.

I was once Hawk and Wolfgang, but since then, I too, have been shot down. Years of hatred and ill will harbored towards my hobbies, personality, looks, and my intelligence have caused me to attach to one name. Sam. I have that name, and to the public eye, that name means failure. I don’t mind, I just wait patiently, waiting for their day to come when they look up and see the gray sky that will soon follow them, rather than me.

My school seems to think that one who is expressionless, opinionless, and quieter than the trash-rummaging varmint that flood the New York sewers is one to be avoided. They say my name as if it burns their throats and tongues as it exit their mouths. To the student’s eye, i’m a monster. Something to be feared.

My public, my friends and loved ones. They see through my lack of expression and opinion, they understand that it’s a defensive barrier built after years of being hurt time and time again. They view me as one of the compassionates, a fair and kind person who can empathize with anyone, on any situation. They force out the best in me, and support the hobbies, personality, looks, and intelligence that were once endlessly under fire. They view me as vital to their lives. An angel. Something to be praised.

I once hated my name. However, as time passed, I began to find solace in what brands me as me. I disliked the idea of being branded with a name that already creates guidelines for how I should live my life. I took the idea that I wasn’t fond of and