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Bumping into Yourself
As we grow older we begin to discover the remarkable and twisted ways our bodies react to the extolled and glorified feeling of love. This force, passion and pull has not only caused half the women in the world to max out their credit cards, but has created great empires to fall, civilizations to rise, and on a more depressing note, lives to burn. This bond that can either place us on cloud nine or send us right threw it follows us throughout the many stages of life.
As you begin to tally up the years, you begin to comprehend the witchcraft of this four-letter word and how it holds much more than two vowels and a pair of continents. Instead of playing hide-and-go-seek, you spend your nights trying to get Barbie and Ken to make out in Barbie's hot tub and play doctor with the boy who used to dump sand in your pants. We discover a type of emotion that makes us run away as soon as we see that special someone and discover a feeling that shoots anxiety so far up our spines, we explode into a human firework. Like a lion embedded deep in the grass of youth we come to find that there is no stopping this vicious attack of emotion.
If you haven't noticed already, I personally had a head on collision with love while traveling one hundred miles per hour down a road I should not have been on. What I learned was that love tends to sweep its victims off their feet, leaving them suffocated and arthritic for every moment they and their prince charming breath in the same air, or even worse, exist on the same planet. Every move, every smile and every glance resembles a masterpiece in your mind, which then abandons you with the vocabulary of a two year old and the mobility of a newborn. You literally feel like the last frozen dinner in the supermarket's freezer, frostbitten, rock solid, and far from appetizing, until the moment comes when he decides to give you a little piece of his time. This is when you, Ms. Lean Cuisine, become over microwaved and transformed into a glob of mush. If you haven't learned already, it is nearly impossible to have neutral emotions with these types of men. How on Earth is a girl supposed to stay neutral when her prince charming spends the night with her, shows her the time of her life, and then decides to forsake her in the morning?
We must remember, however, that no matter what we do, what we say or how we look, these men will never, in a million years, subdue to our cravings. You honestly could be the next Giselle Buchen and they'll find some obscure reason to kick you to the curb, just the way they did five hundred times before. These types of men have the most amazing ability to transform women into their own little robots, or better yet, their own personal boomerangs. Time after time, no matter what the situation is, they will always fly back.
Until Suddenly! You have an epiphany and rip off the pajamas you've been wearing for weeks now, and throw the Ben and Jerry's that was once permanently glued to your grip onto the floor as if it were a hand grenade headed right towards the bastard's head! There is no reason to go back to this bloody, selfless, beast that destroyed your once beautiful life and ripped all the dignity you once had in it. You are finally free! You crank up Whitney Houston's theme song and you dance around your room in your underwear until you shake your booty just as fast as you shake him from your life. You call up all your girlfriends and scream bloody murder about how over him you are and how it is officially girl's night out. You go out and you buy a beautiful new dress, get your nails done, and cut off all your hair thinking this will officially transform you into the woman you have longed to be.
You're on the breakaway in the last ten seconds of over time and you finally have the opportunity to have the crowd cheer for you, rather than being the one-person cheering section for a devilishly good-looking man who cares little, if nothing, about you. The woman who was left to freeze in the nosebleed section now has front row seats to see the world and all the things that have lied undiscovered for what seemed like a million years.
Your chest feels as if it's going to explode with happiness, and you feel like making the world a better place. You sign up for yoga lessons, take on a different language, loose those ten extra pounds you have always wanted to shed, and even donate a hundred dollars to those depressing infomercials.
You are truly a new woman until the war siren goes off. Like soldiers embedded deep into the ground during a deadly war, you thought you were safe from this unexpected invasion. The piercing ring tone, the buzzing vibration, and the flashing light that convulses every five seconds becomes equivalent to a bomb that is about to explode and sabotage your new life.
Once again, the boomerang you used to be, the stupid robot that you thought was dismantled while jumping up and down to Whitney Houston on your bed, emerges to the surface as you pick up your phone like an idiot.
He immediately stirs up a recipe that feeds your suppressed and hungry heart that has been craving his works of art for weeks now. Your mouth begins to water and your sex drive takes the wheel. Before you know it, you pull a complete one-eighty and leave your girlfriends, who are already ready to celebrate, in the dark, just as he had months before. Unfortunately, if you're anything like me, your sweet tooth has not only betrayed you in pant sizes, but for the sweet and sensuous taste of sweet talking men.
It is men like these that immediately make women think genuine, long-term potential boyfriends are as endangered as the koala bear. These heart breaking monotonous men uphold a master status for the rest of their kind, making women believe a free drink at the bar is equivalent to their desire to get us horizontal for a night that will just hit a wall in the morning.
If this is the never ending cycle of desperation and devastation that keeps rewinding itself, why do so many women fall for insanely gorgeous men who have absolutely nothing to offer them? Could it be a work of Darwin's theory? Do women subconsciously go after the tall, strong, beautiful, well off men in order to repopulate the world with more tall, strong, beautiful, well off children, leaving the nice, smart, genuine, caring men at the bottom of the food chain? It is truly a wonder of the world that will never be figured out.
For the past four years I have tried to unravel this unsolved mystery that seems to haunt women throughout their early years, and in worst cases, the rest of their lives. After getting out of a painful on and off relationship for the past few years I had to stop and ask myself why I let it get so bad. I began to realize how easy it was for someone to open their mouth and produce thousands of sentences consisting of fairytales and promises that could never come true. After straightening out the circle I had been running in for the longest time, the dizziness this man created started to fade and I saw straight again. What was the point in acting like a slave that could be sold at any moment, a bug that could be squashed with one swipe, or a snowflake that blew in the direction of the wind? It is so easy for women to be swept away by the men they find truly irresistible, but so hard for them to realize they're worthless. If you're anything like me, you need to rip the reins out of this man's hands and put yourself back on a track that leads far, far away from him. After uncomfortable minutes, hours, weeks and even months without him you will surly bump into someone who's been dying to see you. This person does not have rock solid abs, bronzed Mediterranean skin, a suave tongue, or a nice car, but rather mediocre abs that could always use some work, a slightly awkward tongue that spits out the wrong words every now and then, and a car that looks as if it survived the T-Rex attack in Jurassic Park. The person who you will bump into is no one but yourself. Once you realize the useless amount of hours you spent sobbing, complaining, and conforming into someone who doesn't respect you the slightest bit, you'll be absolutely seduced by the strong and fearless woman you have grown to be. It is time for all women, whoever they may be, to put themselves on a pedestal and to stop succumbing to those who think they have power and control over them. This way, when the next man comes along, he'll know he has very big, or rather very expensive, shoes to fill.