Love Shouldn't Hurt | Teen Ink

Love Shouldn't Hurt MAG

March 18, 2009
By bevans4 BRONZE, Bloomington, Illinois
bevans4 BRONZE, Bloomington, Illinois
2 articles 1 photo 0 comments

Her name was Alice. She was slumped over in the corner, her hands reaching for the small of her back. It was tender. His class ring hung on a silver chain around her neck, a constant reminder of his love. She knew that a bruise was forming under her pale skin – a rushing rainbow of blues, blacks, purples, and yellows. She was grateful he never touched her fragile face. At 16, she had never felt any other hands but her loving boyfriend's. She didn't mind; she was so madly in love with him that it didn't matter that he got rough with her sometimes. She deserved it most of the time. He was just showing his affection.

“One in three high school students have been or will be involved in an abusive relationship,” states the Office of Criminal Justice Services in a special report. “And one in five college females will experience a form of dating violence.” Such staggering statistics are often pushed to the back page of newspapers, overlooked and forgotten. They appear next to the story of the girl who overcame this type of trauma and is finally ready to speak out. By examining the different types of teen dating abuse, and raising awareness and possible solutions, teenagers can take a proactive stance in the fight against dating violence.

Dating violence comes in many ugly forms, not just physical abuse. Abuse in general is a cycle. It starts with a sweet, romantic period. Everything is perfect. Then the tension starts. The abuser becomes moody and withdrawn. He might nitpick, yell, or threaten. All the while, she's walking on eggshells, attempting not to break even one. One day, the ugly monster rears its revolting head.

Physical violence is often the most publicized form of abuse. This includes choking, punching, imprisonment, rape, and in some cases death. Physical violence normally escalates after an abuser thinks it is pardonable. Dating violence is about more than just injuring the victim; it's about control.

Alice timidly watched as he crossed the room toward her. She knew all too well what was going to happen. It didn't matter that she wasn't in the mood; he was. All too soon, he was upon her, pressing her still-tender back into the chair. She tried to push him off, but he overpowered her. She tried to yell, but his left hand was tightly clasped over her mouth. She watched the room spin as he choked her. While she was wildly fighting for air, her eyes burned with tears. After a few moments of struggling, she gave herself to him, tears streaming down her face.

Sexual abuse is a delicate topic when it comes to dating violence. When a partner is forced to do any unwanted sexual act, it is defined as rape. According to the Students Against Dating Violence website, sexual abuse occurs when the abuser pressures or physically forces the victim to perform a sex act. Most people do not view this as rape, as intimacy is socially “expected” from a partner in a relationship. But this highly unpublicized form of dating violence is abuse.

Alice waited; he would return from practice soon. She hadn't left his truck for three hours, just in case he came back for some reason. She couldn't be caught outside of the truck. So there she sat, faithfully awaiting her loving attacker. A tap on the window awoke her from her thoughts; there he was in all of his beautiful, blameless glory. She could see on his face that she would not be hit tonight; he was too tired from practice. But he was upset. What had she done? She absentmindedly grasped his class ring hanging around her neck. She knew this night would be worse than the last.

Not all abuse is physical. Emotional violence can also leave deep scars. The victim often feels as though she is a pawn in a constant manipulative mind game with a continuous feeling of guilt and helplessness. There are many ways to spot emotional abuse, such as constant putdowns, threats, yelling, turning the blame, and threatening suicide. Phrases like “I love you, but” are also warning signs of emotional abuse.

Behavioral symptoms of abuse include loss of appetite, self-blame, terror, depression, guilt, mistrust of others, anxiety, and suicide, according to The Journal of Marriage and Family. It may lead to drug use and dropping grades, in addition to anorexia, bulimia, and self-mutilation, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Alice was crying. She tried to hide it from him; it wasn't his fault. She could take a punch, but somehow his words hurt more. They hit her in different places. She just kept confirming his love for her in her head as his sharp words cut into her skin. “I do this because I love you,” he crooned as he stroked her still-tender back. She remembered one of the posters in the hall at school: “Love doesn't hurt.” All she could think was, Then why am I in pain?

There are many ways to take a proactive stance in fighting dating violence. The number one way is through awareness. The more people are aware of the warning signs, the easier abuse is to spot. Not only do teens need to be informed but also parents and school officials. Peer support can be very helpful. A long talk about stopping the abuse can mean much more when coming from a friend rather than an adult. Another way to raise awareness is through student-created posters and essays.

Her best friend sat Alice down and handed her a pamphlet for a support group. On the cover was a picture of a beautiful girl with a black eye. She too had a class ring on a chain around her neck. Alice reached for hers. The bold letters read, “Break the Silence.” All Alice could do was cry.

Another proactive way that teens can be involved in stopping dating violence is by starting a teen network of support. Create a phone tree. When someone feels abused they can alert others in the network with a code word that doesn't tip off the attacker. With support it is much easier to break away from a violent situation.

Schools play a large part in preventing teen dating abuse. Training sessions should be held at least once a year to address warning signs, conversation starters, and possible disciplinary actions. Not only teachers should attend but also coaches, directors, and school administrators. The more eyes on the lookout for abuse, the harder it is to hide.

Alice's mind raced as she stood outside his house. She had nothing left to lose. He was threatening to leave her again. Last night was the worst ever. She needed to find a way to make it on her own. The tears brimming in her eyes began to fall as she placed his ring on his doorstep.

Making the final decision to leave an abusive relationship is difficult, no matter the victim's age or the severity of the abuse. It requires great strength and courage to break the silence and stand up against dating violence. Those who have should be recognized for their strength. By raising awareness and being proactive, we can all break the silence.

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This article has 13 comments.

on Nov. 6 2010 at 11:44 pm
Rainbowmadhatter, Reno, Nevada
0 articles 0 photos 81 comments
YES thank u very much for that....i hav heard is totally true and i feel horrible for the ppl(especiall the girls who have a harder time woith this and have an aful time overcoming this horrible faite)...anyways... i feel awful and together lets all stop or at least help stop these violent acts in a relationship...i belive if we all work together we can impact the world and make it a better place....defently.....SO LETS DO THAT

on Nov. 1 2010 at 11:24 pm
SerenityMine BRONZE, Not Saying, California
2 articles 0 photos 156 comments
Did I say something? :/  I mean, why is that in response to my comment?

on Oct. 15 2010 at 12:53 pm



on Oct. 15 2010 at 12:51 pm
This is a really great and inspiring story that let's teens like me know that when you are in a situation like this you are able to go to someone. I've never been in a situation like this, but im kind of scared that my guy friend is going to become abusive bacause he sometimes pushes me and now I know that we must have a serious talk before this gets out of hand.

on Jun. 27 2010 at 2:04 am
SerenityMine BRONZE, Not Saying, California
2 articles 0 photos 156 comments
This was a really great article; it was inspiring and made me think.  I love how you mixed the facts and advice with a story to illustrate your point.  You are a very talented author.  Thank you for writing this.

on Mar. 31 2010 at 6:41 pm
magic-esi PLATINUM, Hyde Park, New York
27 articles 0 photos 231 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one."
"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light."

This is really well written and definitely an issue that people should be more aware of. I like how you involved a fictional situation in your article. It was really good and it captured my attention.

crazy123 GOLD said...
on Jan. 31 2010 at 6:13 pm
crazy123 GOLD, Gibsonia, Pennsylvania
11 articles 0 photos 22 comments

Favorite Quote:
when life gives you lemons.. make applejuice to avoid the situation!

Wow, this is one of the most amazing articles on Teen Ink. You don't know how much i loved it. Also i loved how you told a story and gave facts! i wished more people wrote like you.

on Jan. 28 2010 at 8:26 pm
AzizaManga BRONZE, Can&#39t Say, Oklahoma
4 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It's true what they say, you can't go wrong with pudding."

Thanks for agreeing with me. Sorry for super late reply.

loveyourself said...
on Jan. 25 2010 at 1:33 pm
i loved it

on Jan. 8 2010 at 1:32 pm
Your are right that guy is a jerk for doing that to Alice.

on Jan. 8 2010 at 1:31 pm
I really loved your article it was excellent!!!!! but i would like to know what got you to write that article?? Keep writting thimgs that can change someones lives 4ever :)

AzizaManga said...
on Jan. 7 2010 at 8:27 pm
Wow, this was very realistic. That guy is such a jerk!

AmnyR BRONZE said...
on Jan. 6 2010 at 6:56 pm
AmnyR BRONZE, Clifton, Texas
4 articles 0 photos 134 comments

Favorite Quote:
To the world, you may be just one person, but to one person, you may be the whole world. ~unknown

this is amazing, everyone should read this. i love how you combine a story about a person and the straight up facts at the same time, it makes it so much more interesting. wonderful work