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I wish there was a single pin pointing reason why I’m depressed. But there’s not . I wasn’t abused by my dad. I received as much attention from my parents, as my triplet sisters did. No one important died in my family. There’s no violence in my family. And life is pretty stress free. So why am I depressed? Could just be it was my destiny to be depressed, and suicidal all the time. But no, that would be stupid. That would be unethical. Which I intend not to be. But all my troubles really start when I don’t think. When I don’t think of consequences, inparticular. Consequences can be a very bad thing, and in my case very life-ruining.
Today was my last day at my school. Ever. I’m suspended until further notice, (45 days). I’m going to a therapeutic day school, whatever that is, then maybe I can go back to my old school. But probably not. Why did I bring knives to school? Why did I cut myself in school? It was just stupid.
Went to gymnastics and no one asked about my wrist, surprising actually, I wonder what everyone’s gonna think. No one knows that’s for sure, but I’m gonna miss all my friends. I will also miss the teachers, the activities, the play, student ambassadors, volleyball, everything really. My back hurts, I’m tired and I’m never going back to Old Orchard Jr. High ever again. Very sad. ☹.
Really tired today. Ran a mile outside today, got blood drawn, and did something to my back today in gymnastics. It really hurts. Went to school today awesome time. I really want to go back, but I can’t. I’m back in inpatient at Northshore Mental Health Ward. Again I’m really unsure if I want to go, but I know I need to. I do, after all, want to kill myself.
I’ve been really depressed and suicidal lately, and Julia wasn’t helping with all her worksheets and homework crap. I got to the E.R. today at 7 and went to the unit, (psych ward) at 2. It took 7 hours to get up here. Fell asleep at 3 and woke up at 6. That’s three hours. I’ve never been so tired in my life. Night.
So tired, not gonna make it through lunch, probably purge it up. So bored. Didn’t remember this being to boring. I forgot how awful process group was. We talk and talk and there are so many awkward moments. Going to lunch. Going to drink only water. My bagel that I ordered for breakfast 4 hours ago still isn’t here. What good service. I just had a family therapy session. Pretty shitty mood. Overall pretty depressed. Just staring at my bagel.
Going to talk to Elona about family therapy. I left feeling crappy. But I talked with rabbi. Just about stuff, nothing important to write down. Bill, the crazy psychopath is freaking out. I feel bad for him. My stomach kills, I’ll probably not have a visitor tonight, that’s good though. Need more water. I’m going to kill my insides.
I need to see my dietitian so bad I need to talk to her. So frustrated not going to have dinner, but I did have part of my cold bagel. I’m super bored because I’m not attending groups. I wonder what there doing in the day room. I haven’t written this much in a while. Like my very first day in the hospital, I wrote four pages worth of stuff. It’s 4:43 and I think ill sleep some more. Maybe I’ll write, either way I’m still bored.
Went to showers and dinner, didn’t eat much but I’m starving and my stomach feels like it being ripped up inside. They wont give me anything for it. It completely sucks. I need some warm milk or something, something to help me fall asleep. Good night.
Got my vitals so now I’m awake. Slept really well actually. I brushed my teeth with stuff they gave me. It was like rubber cement. Not good for braces. ☺ I just drank 3 big water bottles so I wont have to be hunger for breakfast. Today I think I’ll write a story but I don’t know what to write about. I’ll figure it out. I always do.
Lynn, the schoolteacher, brought me my schoolwork, thanks. I did most of it. Mostly social studies, stuff on the Constitution. I just talked to one of the best social workers here. Wallace id the best. He makes you feel a lot better, and he did.
Monday’s valentines day, gonna be in here rotting away, but the weekend’s almost here. That’ll be fun. I have 42 pages left in the journal, but I’ll start another one. Might get a visitor today if not, I’ll sleep. I’ll probably fill this journal with mindless thoughts and crazy sayings. Wonder when group starts hopefully soon, my pencil’s going dull. I’m full of water. See mindless thoughts filling up this paper space. I haven’t counted anything today but I’ve been cold. TOO MANY THOUGHTS. It just got really cold in my room. Today’s topic is relapse prevention, which I need, being my second time here.
It’s not that exciting in-group today. Usually someone tried to kill someone else. THOUGHTS. That group was as boring as hell. Had 5% of my lunch and talked to rabbi again. Gonna watch a movie tonight and talk to Sam. She’s new but not for long we got a new admit right after her. Wondering why she’s here. Good night.
Had breakfast and I feel like purging. My bathroom is unlocked so I should go in there. I’ll talk to Erika about it later. She’ll have to lock it. I’ve never eaten so much in my life. I didn’t even eat that much when I wasn’t anorexic. I’m bored and it’s not even 12 yet.
We have 10 minutes for phone time here. So fucking bored. I though we were suppose to be doing something every second. Erika hasn’t seen me yet. She’s probably still working with Bill. Counting to 1000. Well that was boring, just talked to the family. They’re finally bringing me some clothes. There’s construction going on in the unit. They have drills and nails. Do you know how badly do I want to steal them to cut myself. I’ve never gone this long with out cutting, I know it’s only a couple of days but in here it feels like a couple of weeks.
I need to get out of this fucking place but I know I can’t. I’m not safe and I’m still suicidal.I’ve been counting again my mind is on the fritz. I’m losing IQ points every hour. All these negative thought make me wonder if I’ll ever get better and if I’ll ever get out of here. Probably not, and that’s what I’m feeling. Suicidal, depressed, urge to purge. What’s new?
At dinner, feel like crap, ate almost everything except the cake. I put that on Sam’s plate, she told me to. Ate the carrots, lettuce, and the burger was disgusting. I’d be purging if I was at home. But my bathrooms locked. It’s crazy here.
So bored waiting for group. I feel like the schedule here are wake up, food, group, food, group, group ,and sleep. So why an I so bored it it’s group time. We need to find a cure for chronic boredom. Writing in the dark, fun. I found a lady bug in my bed so it’s in a cup I asked the nurses station for a piece of lettuce I told them so I could paint it blue, I love messing with them,
Still have my ladybug, really bored and tired, forgot about my ladybug for like 2 hours. But I’ll let him go. And let him free, wish I could be free. Good night.
Woke up at 3:30 to pee. Had to get my bathroom unlocked. Pain. Fell asleep afterwards, maybe got like 3-4 hours. Told Dan (counselor) I wasn’t suicidal. Which is true, until I eat. Then I totally want to die. I’d be waking up to go to Sunday school right about now. My stomach hurts, again, wonder when phone time is. Probably soon. This place is scary at night. There’s huge bangs and slamming of doors. My back hurts from sleeping on the floor. Bad idea I know. So tired feeling pretty anxious. I want to see the doctor today, Galstone or something. It looked like gallstone, which might I add is a horrible name, I really need to take a shower. Either tonight or right now. Probably tonight. Talked to Sam in the hallway. Just sitting outside our doors, pretty relaxing actually.
Just took my pills wonder when breakfast is, hoping it never comes. I don’t even remember what I ordered for breakfast, but when I did I didn’t eat it. Eggs with bacon, yogurt, milk, and cake.
So major bored I’m writing too big, who cares anyway. I have a feeling I’ll be sent upstairs to the Eating Disorder Unit (EDU), which is not fun. Or I’ll have a tube shoved down my throat and they’ll force feed me. What time is it? When do we have free time? When do I get out of here? So many questions. No answers. Good night.
Happy Valentines Day. NOT! Still in here and not getting out anytime soon. It’s around one. Had a calm family therapy session, now in “productive solitude”. We do this everyday after lunch. Why do we do this? I have no idea. I wish we could go outside. Yesterday it was 45° outside. How awesome right, wrong, because I’m in here, not enjoying it. In music therapy not fun, we just bang on drums. I’m suppose to write about my feelings. But I don’t want to so I’ll just write nonsense.
Depressed now, and have no idea why. I haven’t been getting nay better since I’ve been here and I’m still suicidal, and not getting any better. Why is this happening? I don’t want to go to dinner. I swear if my bathrooms weren’t locked after every meal, I’d purge it up. And that’s how I feel. Fucking sad. Can’t do anything about it.
So bored. I feel like I’ve said that like 40 times. Watching MTV with everyone in the day room, but not doing much more. Still depressed and I don’t and I STILL don’t know why. Had numerous groups today, watching Skins. Really tired, going to bed. Good Night.
So tired. Not going to write much today maybe half a page worth, or not, it doesn’t matter anymore. Fucking want to kill myself. Stupid solitude. Been in here for like ever. Need to get out now, talked to Ospina, my dietitian. Still in solitude and someone’s crying. I don’t know who, but I will find out. So fucking depressed. I’ll write poems.
Yellow does not belong in here
I don’t belong in here
No one does
Why would anyone want to be here
It’s not the place to get better
It’ s a place to get annoyed
And more depressed
Over and over again
That’s my poem. It’s pretty good. If you didn’t guess, it’s about the physch ward. Tired again. Good night.
Woke up today and Carolyn, my therapist wanted to talk to me. Probably about lying to Katie yesterday. Real anxious. Someone’s crying on the phone. it sounds bad. Talking with Katie today, but really I talked to Wallace. There are so many counselors and social workers here. I guess you could say I’ve worked with all of them. Which is fine. Had a family therapy session, which was awkward, and not too pleasing.
I’m actually really bored tonight, and should probably go to sleep, but I have to pee. Again. I’m running out of room in this journal, gonna need a new one. It’s probably around 11:00 or so. New staff comes at 11:30, I need a Benadryl, but I don’t think they’ll give it to me. I have 18 pages left in my current journal. Oh well. Going to bed.
Finally out of the hospital, really don’t want to be though, I don’t think I’m safe. But I do get to go to school tomorrow so I’m excited about that. But really anxious about being home. Just the whole environment scares me. Very short day/ entry. Good night.
Went to Plato’s Closet. Bought a cute dress, a belt, 7 shirts, and 3 pairs of jeans for only 10 dollars what a sale.
So tired, almost going to pass out. I went to gymnastics so I’m gonna sleep good tonight. Haven’t eaten since Friday so it’s not too long. It’s only Saturday. Think I’ll write.
Rain on the window
Lightning in the sky
Thunder in the air
Why did you leave
Why did you even care
How could you know
How I was feeling low
You never dared
To ever care
Pretty deep I know. But it’s about the adults in my life, well most of them any way. Like the unsignificant ones. Going to bed. Good night.
I cut, but so what. I’m not doing another safety plan. It’s just a piece of paper. Go ahead tell my mom. I don’t care. Go ahead wrap my wrist, kick me out of the school, I really don’t care. I really don’t care about anything anymore. It’s actually pretty sad to tell you the truth.
I bet Dr. Hunt will never read this, then I’ll never get my 12 cuts wrapped. So to make it clear to Dr. Hunt, I CUT. That’ll work. That will deffinatally get Dr. Hunt’s attention. Crying now im the taxi. don’t know why, probably my hormones acting up again. I’m trying to hide it from the taxi driver, but he jut gave me a tissue so it didn’t work. Why do I feel this way, I’m suppose to be getting better. I was suppose to get better in in the hospitail. But this week and last week have been painfully awful.
So many billboards on the highway. Buy houses, Kohl’s Children’s Museum, Grand Casino, everytime I look up from my journal theirs another one. At school ready for a day of hell.
Your not going to give up are you? We’re not going to kick you out. We will work through the tough stuff to get you back where you need/want to be.
Dr. Hunt ☺
Going back to public school
Not being depressed
Not going to the hospitail
ASK: Am I working agnest myself/my goals
Totally bitching out. Don’t know why, just am. Really depressed. Suckish end t the day. I always hate going home and leaving South Campus. I hate South Campus in general, but either way I need to cool down in the taxi. Going to gymnastics. Really don’t want to go beacasue I’ve lost intrerest in the whole sport. How can I possibly do a sport I don’t have interest in.
I am proably working agnest myself. To tell you the truth I don’t really want to get better. I kind of want to stay sad. It; the only think I have little control over. Becides eating, but I still have bearly any control over my life.
Depressed and suicidal, what the hell do I do. I’m constantly suicidal but don’t act on those thoughts, only becase I want to go back to my old school and actually graduate. I don’t think I really want to die. At times I do, like when I had to go to the hospitail. I’m suicidal and not loving the feeling. Bored tired and I think I’m sick. 1:00 exactaly.
I want to understand your goals. You said you want to be sad, but it makes you uncomfortable, what would make you comfortable?
Dr. Hunt ☺
12:03-why even try
12:04-giving up-going to sleep
Not very positive. In the taxi. More billborards. So bored, but not suicidal. Having a test in science today, probably pass it, or not. Reviewing sociology and social studies. I know nothing about sociology and the test is on Friday, it’s so unfair.
I have some stuff to talk about with Dr. Hunt. Like drinking. I was feeling pretty shitty yesterday , and I wanted a drink. Just to try it, thinking it would make me feel better, then realizing is was a deepresent, I took it anyways. I had 3 shots of vodka. I can’t believe I did it.
It’s snowing, I love the snow, it’s so peaceful. It’s like a white blanket of forgivness covering Chicago. I have a weird imagination.
Domnick is on his cell phone and it’s so annoying. Just looking out the window for the past 10 minutes. Outside just fasinates me. There’s always something new and exciting.
I just saw a women in a car I looked at over at her a smiled, she smiled back. But then I looked down to write something and felt eyes upon my back, like someone was deffentially watching me. She was still staring. We then stopped at a red light and she was 3 cars back. We pulled forward and she seamed to be right next to us. Staring. The she drove forward and kept looking back. It was a little cool and a lot weird.
At school, so not ready for the science test. Did okay on my science test. Used my book, so I get 10% off but we can make corrections. I think I didi good on balancing equations and even better on all the other parts. Having group tomorrow so not looking forward to it. No offence to Dr. Hunt, who leads the group.
Went to gymnastics really tired. Jason, one of my coaches, made us do drill after drill after drill. It was so boring but mostly exausting. We did drills involving backhandsprings, back tucks, flips, and fronts handsprings. It hurts so much. Going to bed. Good night.
Really shitty mood right now. I got really mad in social studies. We had to take 2 constitution pre-tests. Mr. Smith, my social studies teacher, cam over when I was odne and said “I think you should check over your problems again.” I was fine with what I put down, I ended up getting all the ones I changed, wrong.
I don’t know what I’m going to do today about my physical . I had a slice of pizza for breakfast and I didn’t have a snakc, and I don’t know if I’m going to have lunch. I’ll probably sit in the hallway.
In English. Still mad. Trying to calm down but everyone keeps talking. And making me madder. The phone keeps ringing eery 7 minutes literately. Getting bored. It’s like a free period. 2 people are in the hall, 4 people are in the classromm talking , 1 persons crumpling paper. And me, well I’m getting mad and depressed as this period goes on.
In the taxi really early actually. Going to my physical. I weigh 115.6. I dropped a couple. Had Spanish and got a lot of homework. Going to bed, good night.
Went to help out at the Purim Carnival, really tired from that. Had a hot dog and skittles, that’s all I’m eating today.
I remembered something today, when I was little my mom would always complain about having triplets. She said it’d be a big pain when we get to be teenagers. I used to say “don’t worry mommy, I’ll be the best teenager ever.” Look at me now. I’m costing my parents hundreds of dollars for hospitail stays and therapy. Here I am making them worry every time I cry, and giving them heart attacks when I get suicidal. I am not the best teenager.
Writing that really hits me. Hard like a cement brick to the face. Makes me realize how bad I have it on my parents. Why did I make them go through so much suffering.
Having Spanish at 3. Not looking forward to it. Since this week’s Spring Break, I’m going to Ohio to see the rest of my family. So today I have an extra hour of Spanish. I don’t have the will, attention spand, or energy to do that.
Feelign depressed because of Spanish. It makes me feel like a failure, I can’t speak it, write it, or even learn a single word other that el perro, and los jeans/ and it only gets harder. Spanish was super long. And now , for no apperent reason, I’m crying. Balling is more like it. I have no idea why. Nothing happened to even trigger it. And now I’m fucking depressed.
Not depressed anymore, I thought I was going to get suicidal. I was really that depressed. Looking back I have no idea why I felt that way.
It’s been a long day. From the Purim Carnival, to Spanish, to my face burning from my new acne medicine, to watching 4 hurs of Scrubs, I’m not looking forward to break. I’m going to be so bored on my break. All I have to do is load the car and pack a suitcase. Boring day tomorrow. Good night at 9:46.
I cant believe I’ve resorted to a substance to “feel better”. To only get a “buzz” for an hour, an hour and a half tops. Then only to throw up, get tired, have a massive headache that last all day.
I cant believe I drink alchol. I’m 13. It’s going to mess my body up. it’ll ruin my insides, my liver will be dead by the end of my drinking days.
What will my family think when I have to go to the hospital to get my stomach pumped, because I had one too many glasses of alchol. What will my dad think when he fins out I’ve been drinking HIS stuff. He’ll get so mad.
Why did I start this. Curiosity took over, but if I change today it’ll get better, right? I sure hope it does. Becasu ei had a few sots yesterday, because I couldn’t find a ny alchol at my grandmothers house. Except the wine we had on shabba, which was only a shot.
Start school again today. Spring Break should be longer, I really don’t want to go back. I had to spend Break in Ohio. I’m not complaining though, I’m jus saying that Ohio is not my favorite place when it comes to vacation, becasu enow I know all m y family know s about my situation.
I was shocked to know that everone knew what was going on in my life. Even my grandmothe knew, she must of died inside.
On the highway, in the taxi. Wearing my new plaid jeans. They’re pink and black, really cool actually. I slept pretty good in the taxi. I’m so not ready to go back to school. To deal with Danielle, and the whoel class in general. Oh God. Gonna be an interesting day.
Nothing too major happened. Nothignotuof the ornidary. Good night.
I’m giving you a few prompts to write about.
What are things you have been dishonest about?
Cutting, being depressed, lying, my mood, everything, being bored, grades, drinking, bad habits, talking, physical mood, a lot, everything really.
To tell you the truth, I;m dishonest about a lot, most everything I say is a lie. Except for wht I write. I write what I feel, what I feel is the truth. Bored in art class. Why can’t I leave.
Who are people that you would like to trust you? Why do you feel they lost trust in you? What can you do to build their trust?
I would like to trust my parents, my teaahcers, and anyone important in my life. They lost rust in my because oi lost trust in them. Also because I lied. In can stop lying to gain their trust.
In art class still. Just did talent show rehearsal, I’m doing gymnastics. I’m really not feeling goo fd emotionally or physically.
Talked to Dr. Hunt today about trust issues and stuff. Really not up to doing art today. I’m not up to do anything anymore. Really depressed, really cold. Seeing Julia today, not eating dinner, not having a good life right now. Good night.
I’m still very, very, very much suicidal. If I had a gun, pills, rope, or knife, I’d be killing myself. Why is this happening over and over again? I want ot get better but soemthigns getting in the way of it all. Like suicidal thoguhs, cutting and drinking, which might I add I haven’t done in a week.
Why can’t I just shake this feeling of depression. It’s hanging over me constantly. Like that one Abilify commercial with the black cloud hanging over the head of the cartoon character. Mine’s just waiting over my head waiting for the rain t come down. In those rain drops are depressive moods, actions, and suicidal thoughts. Those rain drops, they fall hard most times and drizzle every so often, occasionally there are thunderstorm. Which comes with thunder full of anger and lightning full of remorse.
It’s a big metaphor, I know. But it’s a true metaphor. Because now I’m getting drenched in a depressive/suicidal thunderstorm. I should of brought a coat.
It’s Friday, meaning I’m going to Shabbat at temple with Mason. He called yesterday at like 7:00, he sounded worried. Arriving at school and still emensely suicidal. It’s gonna be a rainy day.
I got home very suicidal and called Julia. We talked for like and hour, but she did nothing to help me. Becides talking to my mom and telling her I was suicidal. My mom then watched me constantly. It’s raining hard, I hear a thunderstorm. Good Night.
Good choice buy not drinking. I’m proud of you. The depression cloud is following you, or are you standing under it not moving? Just somthign to think about. Also continue with the metaphor what would serve as the coat if depression s the rain. You’re making predictions when you said “it’s going to be rainy day”. Have a good weekend.
Went to The Uptown Café to serve food to the hungery people in Chicago. Then I went to play mini golf with my youth group, then I had Spanish with Steve.
I can tell when it’s a weekend because I don’t write that much. I write what I did, how I feel, if I’m bored or not, if I’m suicidal or not, and that I’m tired. Then I wrote good night. So, I feel suicidal and depressed, still like the same as Friday. I am in fact bored and I am very very tired. Sadely I can’t fall asleep at 3:15. Getting drenched in depression. So good night.
In the taxi, counting. Counting cars, signs, thigns in the taxi, tires, streets and lines, everuthing its never been this bad. It’s weird, really weird.
Probably going to be late considering the fact wwwe have 20 minutes to go anf it’s 8:27, so we’re already late. Whata good way to start out the day.
Last night my 89 year old grandmother died from blood clots in her lungs. Today is the funeral. It still hasn’t sunk in yet, the whole death thing. We had a service in the synagogue. I then cried my eyes out as we we’re driving in the funeral precession.
During the funeral I wanted to jump into the grave, open the casket and see her one last time. But I was wearing a skirt, it was muddy, and that, that’s not socially acceptable. I don’t want to be known as the girl who jumps into graves. NO WAY.
Feeling pretty shitty, and I’m pretty sure one of my cousins is either drunk or hi. So am I, only not to think about the funeral.
I’m feeling like if my grandmah can’t be alive then I shouldn’t be either. Negative I know. So I’m cutting my neck, to puncture my jugular.
Today I went to a party. A very… ummmm non-talking-about-in-school-party. So kinda like a rave, but less sketchy. No Roofies or anything. Still pretty messed up six hours later. There was drinking smoking, of all kind, and bongs. Lots and lots of bongs.
Happy stinkin’ birthday to me. Yeah it’s pretty suckish.
I’m still messed up from trying to drink myself to death, I went to school drunk. They obvisely kicked me out and I have to get assessed by my physiatrist. But since we couldn’t get the appotiment yesterday, I have to be out of school on my birthday and go to my physiatrist. Fun.
Today something good happened. Kurt Romano, this guy in my class, likes me. And I sorta like hime too. I think he’s gonna ask me out.
And to no prevail he did. I have kurt as my boyfriend. Good things come to those hwo are sober for a little less than a month.
Got burned by fireworks for the 5th time today. Not on purpose of course. I was just being stupid and playing around with FIREworks. Yeah, they hurt.
Today is my last day at South Campus, FOREVER. Today is also the last day I’ll see Kurt, well occording to his parents. His dad says he doesn’t need me. His my thinks I’m a bad influence, but I’ve been sober for at least 2 months or something like that. Well anyway this is my last entry until I go to camp, and all I can say is that I’m a much better because of one very stupid mistake. But we all make mistakes, so come on. Night.
To all my friends, family, educators, and therapists; I love you all and there is a special place in my heart for each and everyone of you. I know, cheesy right, but I speak the truth. In most cases. But wither way this was fun, and quite rewarding. <3