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Author's note: Warning triggering.
The Phoenix sun feel wonderful on my skin. Just another day in my life, sitting outside just talking with my dad. today we are talking about school.
"I want you to finish high school, don't drag it out like I did. I want you to go to college and have a good life."
"I will Daddy, I promise. I want to make you proud of me." I say, Punching him in the shoulder.
"I am proud of you, munchkin, I'm always proud of you. I'll never forget when I first met you, I was dating your aunt, and you wanted me to read you a book so you threw it at my crotch! Then you climbed into my lap; and while I was reading to you, you snatched my brand new Oakley sunglasses and broke it in half." he responded with a goofy grin on his face.
I smile and look over at the sun, and suddenly it gets really bright. Almost like the sun is about to explode. I look at Daddy to see if he was seeing the same thing, but he's not there.
"DADDY!!!!!!!!" I yell panicking. Where is he? I turn my head and I'm not sitting outside anymore. I'm in Banner Estrella Medical center. but Daddy hasn't been in the Hospital in a long time, I thought he was getting better.
"DADDY!!!!!" I freak out. Where is he? I run down the light green hallway where there was a lit room. I stop in the doorway.
"No it can't be! Just no! I'm only 16, I can't lose my Daddy! He's only 36! NO." I think all these things but no sound comes out of my mouth. I'm silent, as I look at nurses trying to revive Daddy. trying not to cry I look down I'm no longer wearing shorts and a tank top, I'm wearing my BDUs, Why am I in my uniform? I look up and I see Daddy!
Thank God!!!! he's still here! but why are we still at banner? I stand up and walk over to his bed and touch his arm... Why is it cold? Daddy is always warm. I look at his face, he needs to shave and shower cause he's really pale...
"Daddy?" no answer
"Daddy?!" I scream and the door opens and Its my mom and shes crying " Come here bug-a-bee"
"Mom? why is Daddy cold? Mom, why are you crying?"
"Your Daddy is gone baby girl, it's just you, your baby brother and me now"
I wake up in a cold sweat. What the hell? I haven’t had that dream since I moved to Arkansas.
I shake it off and get ready for school, after I get dressed I go down the hall and wake up Bobby.
“Hey buttmuch time to get up. I know you don’t want to go to school today but we have to.”
My little brother, now 9, rubs his sleep filled eyes and yawns. “Sissy? has it really been a year?”
“yeah… yes it has baby boy. Now come on, we don’t want that big ugly man child to get mad at us. get dressed and I’ll get us coco.”
I leave his room trying not to cry. Bobby was only 7 when Daddy died and he misses him just as much as I do. I walk into the kitchen and think about how much I miss Arizona. I miss the heat of summer and the sounds of the city. After Daddy died mom started to talk to an old friend of hers, and one thing led to another and now we live in Clarksville, Arkansas with him. Everything was fine until Geoff started to try and be our dad. Bobby and I hate him, and we have only been living with him for 3 months.
Bobby walks into the living room and sits down as I bring him some coco. “ How are you feeling bubba?” I asked, worried about him.
he looked at me with such sad eyes “ I miss Daddy.”
“ I know, me too. But try and have a good day today ok? I love you.”
“I love you too Sissy.”
As we left the house I slammed the door extra hard just to piss Geoff off and we started to walk to the bus stop. Bobby hates riding the bus, and I don’t blame him, kids make fun of him because he’s heavier than them. The only reason why he rides the bus is because I protect him, whenever someone teases him I stand up and gave them my meanest look and tell them to stop or I will.
At school it’s really hard for me to focus, all I can think about is Daddy and it kills me. I think about how he loved to fish, and when he would tickle the crap out of me. I think about how just sometimes I would put my head on his lap and watch t.v. with him.
before I knew it, it was time for lunch. I leave the classroom and walk to Kaycee’s class, she sees me and yells my name. I smile and say “Come on, let’s go eat.” As we stand in line she looks at me and looks concerned.
“ You ok? You seem a little down.” Her blue eyes worried.
“ It’s September 21.” I whisper.
Her eyes got big. “ Oh my god! Why are you here? You should be at home.”
I sigh,” Geoff wouldn’t let me… He told Bobby and I to grow up and go to school, I swear that ‘man’ is going to be the death of me.”
When I get home I give my mom a hug, because I know she needs it. she hugs me back and tells me that she loves me. I hear Geoff closing the door and I hug her even tighter.
“What are you doing?” he growls
“I’m hugging my mother, you f*** turd.” I say giving him a dirty look. I hate this man and everything he stands for.
“ Go do your chores missy.” he says rolling his eyes.
“F*** off Fat man! I wanna chill with MY mother, go crawl in your ‘bat’ cave and die.” I growl at him.
“It’s BATMAN! and you better do it or you will not have internet.” he growls back.
“OK YOU TOO, STOP IT! I mean it, stop!” my mom yells “Kayleena, go do the dishes please.” my mom says.
“ yes ma'am. but answer me this, WHY HIM?” I say stomping off. I always feel bad after fighting with Geoff, not for fighting with him but for making my mom feel bad. I love my mom, but I don’t understand how she can deal with that man. I hate him and so does Bobby.
Daddy, Bobby and I were laying on the floor out of breath, and sweating. Bobby went to stand up and Daddy pulled him back down and started tickling again, so I attacked his side. He started to roar with laughter and then laid on his back so he can reach both of us. We heard the car pull up and we hurried to sit on the couch and pretend that nothing happen.
“Ok, what did you three do?” my mom says with a half smile.
“Oh, nothing!” Daddy and say together.
“DADDY TICKLED US!!!!!!!” Bobby says, still out of breath, we give Bobby a ‘what the hell?’ look and then smile at mom. She giggles and goes to change her clothes, and Daddy starts cooking dinner.
“I love you Daddy” I tell him, leaning on the wall. As he opens his mouth to answer me, Everything starts to shake.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAYLEENA!!!!!!!”
I wake up with a bouncing mom on my bed. I look around and Bobby is sitting on the edge of my bed and the Jackass is in the doorway smelling horrible.
“Come on! wake up!!!!” my mom Smiles, it hits me that she’s so beautiful and that she loves me very much, I can see it in her smile. “ What do you want to do?”
“Can we get Kaycee? I wanna spend it with her too.” I ask hopeful.
“Why would we get her? She’s the Meg Griffin of Clarksville.” And the Jackass speaks…..
“I want to get her because she is my best friend and no one asked your smelly ass anything, I asked MY MOTHER! God, go take a shower.” I snap at him. God almighty do I hate him.
“ Tell your bum brother to shower, not me. He smells because he pisses the bed like the baby he is.” he says looking at Bobby. Bobby just looks at the bed not saying anything, but I know him, he wants to cry but not where Geoff can see it.
“GEOFF! stop it, you know he can’t help it, and yes Bug-A-Bee, we will get her later.” mom answers before I can say anything to that man child.
I love baking, but not when It’s my own birthday cake. Oh, sorry Geoff’s cake, I’m not allowed to have a cake. Mom, Bobby, Kaycee, and Geoff are all in the living room while I’m in the kitchen baking. Kaycee comes in and asks if I want help, I smile and say no. She leaves and goes and plays with Bobby, that girl has really become like my sister.
I put the cake in the oven to cook and I just stand in the kitchen staring at the knives. “NO!” I tell myself “You can’t do that again, no cutting! you’ve done so good these past few years, Don’t do it, Don’t do it for Daddy.” I tell myself this, but yet I’m still looking at them, thinking about how nice it would feel. About how good I’ll feel when I get that release.
“Yo! muffin! Earth to Kayleena!” Kaycee yells in the ear.
“Ow! what the f***?!”
“Dude the cake is done, your phone was been going off for like 2 minutes.” S***! I started to daydream and lost track of time. I pull the cake out and put it on the stove to cool. I pulled out the frosting and took the cake out of the pan. when it cooled I frosted it and put candles in it.
“Happy 18th to me” I whisper to myself. Why do I feel alone? I’ve felt alone ever since Daddy died and I just mostly hide in my room now. Back in Arizona, I hid in my room to avoid being reminded of Daddy, now I hide to be reminded of Daddy. Geoff refuses to have any pictures of Daddy around the house and I don’t really know why.
After dinner I lit the candles and everyone sang to me. then mom took Kaycee home, she was going to stay the night but her mom wanted her home. I just hid in my room for the rest of the night. I keep thinking about what happened in the kitchen, I was freaked out that after being almost 3 years clean, I wanted to cut again. I got up and went into the bathroom and picked up a razor, pulling it apart, I picked the little tiny blades out of it. I just stand there looking at it, what am I going to do now?
Next thing I knew, I was sitting on the floor with my shirt off. I look at my hands and they are covered in blood, MY blood. I have long lines cut into my rib cage, I start t cry and clean up. Never again, I swear never again……
Water hits my arms and I gasp. OW, I hate showering with fresh cuts. I wash my hair and step out of the shower and look at my naked reflection. Not even 5 months ago I had tanned, somewhat scarless skin, now I have pale scarred skin. There are cuts all over my forearms, chest, and hips. I lean against the bathroom door and slowly slide down to the floor. Daddy would not like how I’ve gone back to cutting.
“Every time you want to harm yourself, I want you to come and tell me, ok?” Daddy says holding my shoulders in both of his big hands.
“But what if I’m in school, or you're at work?” I ask ashamed of myself…
“Then I want you to write a poem about how you feel, you don’t have to show it to me, but if for some reason, I’m not there for you, I want you to write. Do you understand how much you mean to me?” He looks like he’s about to cry, his grip gets tighter as he says “ I love you, and your mother and I don’t want to lose you. You don’t have to be alone in this fight.”
“Sissy! I have to pee!!!!!!!!!” Bobby says as he bangs on the door. I shake off the flashback and grab a towel and open the door.
“Sorry bubba.” I say as he pushes past me into the bathroom. I turn the corner and open my door. Why is my ceiling fan on again? UGH that f*ing ahole! Geoff needs to stop coming into my room. I turn it off and get dressed in black pants and a long sleeve shirt and then leave my room to go into the living room where my now pregnant mother is sitting on the couch next to Kaycee.
“Happy New Years Kayleena!” Kaycee says as she jumps up and hugs me tight. I smile and hug her back.
“So whats the plan for tonight?” I ask mom,
“The plan is for you girls to cook me dinner.” Geoff says. I bite my tongue and it starts to bleed. instead of saying a smart comeback, I just turn around and go back to my room. Why does mom let him talk to us like that? I don’t understand why she’s with him, our lives have only gotten worse since he come into it. All he does to make everyone feel bad, he tells Bobby is that he smells, he’s fat, and that he’s dumb because he can’t read very well. He tells mom that she better give him a son or he’ll leave the baby at the hospital and if she goes back for her, he’ll leave her. As for me, we fight all the time and I let it be known that he can’t boss me around and he hates it.
For some reason, I sit under my desk where it is dark. I look up at the bottom of my desk and see the 6 blades I have under it. All in a neat row, 6 razors each for how i feel. I trace the first one, this one is the best for fast long cuts. The second is best for fast short cuts, the third is best for normal cuts. The fourth and fifth is best for numbing the skin with its chipped edges, and the last I’ve had since I was 13, when I first started to self harm. It has chipped edges and is dull as can be. I reach for the second blade, and place it on my leg.
What’s the point in this life without love? Daddy is gone, my boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me with my best friend and then left me. My mom hasn’t been my mom since my birthday, she’s been so busy with Geoff to even notice that her children aren’t happy. The only thing that makes me happy is this lifeless piece of metal. I roll up my sleeve and stare at my wrist. It would be so easy, so easy to just fade away. To fade away from all this pain and to be with Daddy again. It would only be painful for a minute and then pure blissfulness.
“KAYLEENA! Don’t you dare do this to your mom and brother! What did I tell you about writing?! Wake up and fight this!!!!!” I can barely hear daddy, his voice is soft. what? Daddy? I open my heavy eyes and look around, where am I? I think I’m still under my desk but everything is so bright. My arms feel so heavy, and I feel so tired. I try to stand up and fall on my bed. I’m so light headed, I try to stand up again and walk to my door and unlock it. I head to the bathroom and close the door behind me.
I look at my reflection and gasp. WHAT DID I DO TO MYSELF? I’m covered in blood, my hands, my wrists, my shirt, everything. “KAYCEE!” Where did my voice go?
“What?” she yells back at me.
“I need you” I croak back, I can hear her walking down the hallway and open my bedroom door.
“where are you?”
“I’m in the bathroom” I hear her close my door and she knock on the door. I open the door very slowly and she comes in.
“KAYLEENA!!!!!!!!!!!!” she gasps “What did you do?! MOM!!!!!! We need you in the bathroom now!” She yells. I start to cry and Kaycee just hugs me until mom comes into the small bathroom.
“Baby doll, what did you do?” she asks when she sees me “ Follow me.” she says as Kaycee and I follow her into her bathroom. Mom sits me on her toilet and gets to work. She has Kaycee run the bath water and cleans my wrist.
“Your ok baby, stop crying” mom whispers. The blood won’t stop spilling out until mom puts a huge cotton makeshift band aid on them. when she’s done she had me take my clothes off and when she sees my others cuts she just sighs and clean them too.
“Since these other ones aren't as deep as your new ones I won’t put band aids on them. Now get in the tub and I’ll put these in the wash. Kaycee, stay with her ok?” Mom says as she picks up my stuff and then pauses in the doorway. “I love you Kayleena.”
I just look at her, I’m too tired to answer her so I just nod. Kaycee sit next to me and she rubs my back and she starts to hum. I can tell she’s trying to calm me down and get me to stop crying. Mom comes back into the room and she has a towel and some clothes for me, Kaycee helps me get out of the bathtub and I dry myself off and get dressed. I still feel so numb, everything I’m doing I don’t really know that I’m doing it. As I walk into the living room I can hear Geoff say
“ Well looky here, it’s the walking dead!” I can hear the sticky grin on his face.
“Bobby? Will you please go to your room for a little bit?” Mom asks Bobby, he stands up and walks to his room and as soon as he closes his door, mom looks at me.
“We don’t tell or show Bobby anything OK? He don’t need to know.” She says softly “ Do you want to help us in the kitchen or do you want to sit in the living room?” I just shrugged my shoulders and follow my mom into the kitchen and sit on the floor out of the way and just watch.
Every once in a while Geoff would come into the kitchen and make a cutting joke. “ Oh look! a knife! I wonder if this will hurt!” “Oh no! I broke the egg yolk, I’m going to go kill myself now!”
I hate that man child….
As Bobby and I walk home from the bus stop, I decided to go across the street to our awesome neighbors house. I tell Bobby that if he wants he can join me, but he reminded me that he is grounded for peeing the bed again. I give him a kiss on his head and walk across the street.
“Hey Faith! Can I chill here for a bit? I really dont want to be around the Fat Man right now.” I ask Faith when she answers the door.
“Sure honey! you're always welcome here.” She says with a big smile on her face. I walk in the house and I’m surrounded by little kids around the age of 1 and 2. Faith runs a daycare inside her house, so there are always little kids here. I go and sit on the floor at the egde of the coffee table they have in their living room.
“So, what’s bothering you today?” Faith asks me. She looks a little bit worried. Sigh. SHe can always tell when I’m upset.
“It’s Geoff again… Why does he have to make everyone’s life hell?” I look at the little blonde haired boy sitting in my lap” Sorry, I mean bad. Like ever since I quit working at the shop, he’s been getting on my butt about everything. I’m sorry but I wasn’t going to work with that creep any longer.” Faith just sighs.
“well you can stay over here as long as you want.” I smile at her and then we watch some kiddy movies and before I know it, Faith is getting a call from my mom.
“Well honey, I guess you have to go home now, Wendy wants you back home.”
“Well it was fun while it lasted, thanks for letting me come over.” I say as I pick up my backpack and stand up. Faith has to help me leave by keeping the kiddos busy.
When I walk in the house I do a double take. Did I walk into the wrong house? No, mom is in her spot, then who is this person who is wearing way too much makeup.
“There you are, go do your dishes.” Ugh why do I hope that he’s not home when I walk in.
“Why should I? I never eat anything here in this hell hole. I stopped eating here when you said that everything is yours, even though you brought it with the money that is mine!?” God I hate him so much!
“Stop! Kayleena, why are you being so mean?” moms asks me.
“Why not? everyone else is a b**** so why not me? Why am I always the one who gets in trouble? Why should I even be on this earth anymore!” I say as I march very loudly into my room and slam the door to my room.
“Stop Slamming doors!” Geoff yells.
“F*** YOU!!!!!!!!!!!” I yell back. I put my backpack behind the door and lay on my bed. I’m getting so tired of fighting all the time, but I’m not about to give in. Oh hell no! I will fight him until I die. S***! I forgot the grab the phone… I’m an Idiot! I always call my Aunt Crystal.
I sigh and move my backpack and open my door. When I walk into the living room, Goeff says “Well are you going to act like a young lady?”
“Are you going to act like a jackass? Oh, no? well then I guess I’m going to act how ever I f*ing feel like!”
“Kayleena Chyann! Stop cussing! We have company over.” Mom say looking at the new comer. The new person is just sitting there with her mouth wide open like she’s trying to catch flies.
“HI! I’m the B**** of the family, how do you do? Is that better mother? I just want to get the phone to call Crystal.” I say really fast. I hate being out here with HIM in the room.
“ Not until you do your dishes missy.” HE says.
“Again, why should I when I didn’t dirty any of them? Go f*ing clean up your own mess, you pig. Oh wait that is an insult to pigs.” I say smiling.
“Then no phone for you.” HE says so smug. Fine if he wants to be like that then I’ll get the phone from the kitchen. I walk in to the kitchen and that phone is gone.
“I told you no phone until you clean up after this little piggy.”
“UGH! I’M NOT F*ING CLEANING UP AFTER YOU!” I scream at him.
Fine then I’ll get the one from his room. I walk out of the kitchen and though the living room giving HIM a dirty look the whole way. Instead of turning left in to my room, I went right into his room. it’s locked. No brother, I know how to pick the lock on this door, I pull a bobby pin from my hair and put it in the lock and turn to the right. HA! I think as I walk into the room, putting the bobby pin back in my hair. I grab the phone and leave his room, not bothering to close the door. I cross the hall to my room and close my door, lock it and place my bag in front of the door.
Finally! I can call my aunt. Before I can even hear the ringing, Geoff is on the phone.
“Get off the phone now and do your dishes!”
“NO! dear god! you do them!” I yell at him. OH he makes me so mad, I throw the phone on my bed and listen to what they are saying though the paper thin walls. All I hear is that asshole telling that random girl about how terrible I am and how I try to kill myself every week. LIER!!!! I have only tried twice!
Why does he do this? Why make me feel lower than mud? I just can’t do this anymore… I look around me and the only two things I see are the phone and my razors… Should I call Kaycee and tell her that I’m leaving to go spend the night with her, or do I kill myself?
I close my eyes and put my arm in front of me and take a deep breath. It’s up to fate now. I drop my arm and close my hand around the phone, guess I’m going to call Kaycee.
“Hello?” John asks, John is Kaycee’s step dad and he’s kind of an ass, but no where near as bad as Geoff.
“John, let me talk to mom please?”
“OK, hold on.” Why am I shaking? Mom loves me, and I know she’ll let me come over if I tell her everything.
“Hello?” Kendra says sleepily.
“Hey mom, it’s Kayleena, can I spend the night? Geoff is being a total ass to me.” I ask hopeful.
“Sure honey, when you coming over?” YES! I love this woman!
“Like in the next hour, I have to walk clear across town, but I’ll start packing an overnight bag and be right over, love you mom.” I say hanging up just in time for Geoff trying to open my door.
“Why is this door locked? Unlock it now.” He growls.
“F*** off! It’s not your house so you can’t come wandering into my room!” I yell at him. I hear him picking the lock and see him trying to open the door, but lucky my backpack is heavy, at least 30 pounds.
“Open this Goddamn door!” He yells
“It is open you dip s***!” I growl at him. He pushes the door really hard and comes into my room.
“God you pig. Clean your room.” Says the pig who hates cleaning and thinks that cleaning is straying everything with bleach.
When he left the room I slammed my door shut and locked it. I hurried to pack my stuff and leave this house before I did something bad. when I come into the living room mom looks at me funny.
“Where do you think your going?” She asks me.
“I’m going to Kaycee’s house, at least there I’m wanted.”
“You're not going anywhere until you do your dishes missy.” UGH! I hate the sound of his voice.
“ I’m going and you can’t stop me you f*ing asshole! Mom, I love you and please give Bobby his kiss goodnight from me.” I say as I leave the house, Slamming the door so hard I can hear the glass shake. I jog across the lawn and by the time I got to the street , Geoff is in the doorway yelling” DON'T SLAM THE DOOR!”
“F*** YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I yell back as I across the street. I walk up to Faith door and knock. When she answers I immediately broke down.
“ What’s wrong honey? What was all that yelling for?” Faith says as she pulls me in the house. I told her everything and she listened and shook her head.
“When you drop your kids off at the bus stop tomorrow can you watch Bobby? I don’t want him to be picked on, not when I’m not there.” I ask with tears in my eyes.
“Of course, now where are you going? if it’s too far, then my husband can drive you.” I told her when it was then they drove me over to Kaycee’s house.
When I showed up at Kaycee’s house, I didn’t walk in like I always do. I hesitated and then knocked. Kendra answered the door “Hey honey, come here.” She says as she pulls me in a hug. This is what I need, a mother to care for me. I just start to sob and don’t stop for a long time.
Kaycee, just holds me for what felt like hours until it was time to go to bed and I just stayed where I was on the couch.
“You know you can get in bed with me like you always do.” Kaycee says with her hand stretched out towards me. I just shake my head and fall to the side so my head is on the arm and pass out.
“My favorite memory of you is when you were about 4 or 5.” Daddy says smiling at me. “ We were at Woods Canyon Lake picking out a camp for your moms and I’s honeymoon spot. I decided that I wanted to walk down the lake and you wanted to come with. Do you know what happened next?” He asked bumping into me.
“No, I don’t; what happened?” I asked full of wonder.
“We walked out to the water and you start to whine and complain that your tummy hurts. I mean you're like about to cry and you keep complaining so much that your tummy hurts. I was about to pick you up and run back to camp and take you to the hospital, you were really scaring me.” Daddy paused.
“What?! What happened! Daddy tell me!” Now I’m really wondering what happened.
“You farted so loud I think you made the fish deaf, and all you said was ‘I feel better now’ with the biggest smile on your face. I about fell the the ground I was laughing so hard!” Daddy says laughing.
Next thing I know, I hear Kaycee and her mom deciding if I should go to school or not.
“I’m going to school, I just needed to get out of the house for the night. I can deal with them now… I think.” I say yawning.
“You sure honey? You can stay another night if you want.” Kendra asks, I love this woman so much.
“It’s fine, I need to tough it out.” I say smiling. When Kaycee and I get to school, we eat breakfast like we always do and our friend Chris noticed that I look really tried and before he can ask what’s up, the bell rang. I stand up and grab my backpack and hug Kaycee goodbye and walk down the hall to my first hour where I have a computer class. Luckily, we can get on Facebook in class, so that’s what I do. I have a message from my mom. Oh boy, here we go.
you need to call and get your check sent to where ever you are going to live... If you still get a check.. idk... but you need to call and tell them you dont live her anymore and give them your new address ... sorry it had to come down to this... but as you said.. im a b**** and Geoff is an ass hole and your not happy... so why make it worse... I already cry myself to sleep at night so whats a few months/years more not knowing where my child is... I cant force you to love me or even like me... And im really sick of watching you be so mean to your brother.. sick of seeing him cry because of things you say to him... just know... i will always be here for you... And I will always love you....
I had to ask the teacher if I can go to the bathroom. When I got to the bathroom, I just broke down and cried. I would have never thought that my mom would chose an abusive man over her daughter.
What am I going to do? Where am I going to go?