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Him & Him

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Commandments stone on slave-prince mountain maul
Less pay rebuke from quiet burdens pained
Thy new deems obsolete hath heaven call
Weeping doves cast crimson, edicts inane
Virtuous bride veneer exalting fifth
Wed tender beguil’d hands dearth commonplace
Forsake poor ills cherishing dev’lish sift
Abstract His binding ring; expunge thy grace
Hath said adoration shall relish flaws
Perhaps claimed forth heeding His hail and beck
Yet so accept tragedies, tender claws
Vehement joys s’rrounding thy face and neck?
Discern, breed sheep, elude, lest He appease
Exist no truer words abode of these



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Lola_Black said...
Jun. 24, 2011 at 4:22 pm
I feel kind-of dumb, since I had to read it a few times to get it. And even then, I still needed the side caption or I would still be confused. But, it's beautiful. The words just flow together, you know? Whether you know what it's saying or not, it still sounds right.
 
Emmaxoxo said...
Jun. 24, 2011 at 1:58 pm
Wait a sec, this isn't in the print magazine?!
 
Lexie96 replied...
Nov. 3, 2011 at 8:54 pm
Yeah, no kidding that's what I said!
 
Emmaxoxo said...
Jun. 24, 2011 at 1:54 pm
You are gifted, my friend.
 
breathingjellyfish said...
May 30, 2011 at 11:23 pm

This left me absolutely speechless. You have an amazing talent. Don't give it up. 

 

 
kdtodd said...
May 19, 2011 at 12:17 pm
I really love this poem! It is really good!
 
madbunnymonique said...
May 10, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Some of the words were BIG but it was good

 

 
Dominicano_Loco said...
Mar. 28, 2011 at 1:18 pm
Sorry to say but the wording is very complicated. It appears to have a story and some meaning behind it, but the complicated wording takes alot away from readers such as myself.
 
The~Watcher replied...
Jun. 2, 2011 at 9:54 am
Mmm... I'm not quite sure that the author understands all the words. I mean, maybe she has a general idea, but doesn't quite get what part of speech they are or typical connotations. I knew what all the words meant, but they were strung together in a way that didn't make much sense.
 
marlina said...
Dec. 17, 2010 at 6:51 pm
so touching! this belongs in the magazine
 
* Lovin Sbeeee replied...
Feb. 3, 2011 at 4:20 pm
I have no idea what any of that says. Umm. Dictionary Pleaase>?
 
Marlyre This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 10, 2010 at 9:37 pm
WOW, diction so elaborate and language woven to suit the times of biblical birth, great! i have a sonnett in pending, but could you read some of my stuff?
 
Anima A. said...
May 15, 2010 at 7:28 pm
I WISH I COULD HAVE SUCH PASSION IN MY WRITTING
 
CreativeScript said...
May 8, 2010 at 4:07 pm

This is really good! I liked how professionally and well written this is.

CHECK OUT MY STORIES: Driving Drunk & Ouiji Board if you like HORROR & PERSONAL LIFE EXPERIENCES!

 
the.stillness.is.the.move This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 6, 2010 at 11:57 pm
thank the lord, a sonnet in the sonnet section!! and a darn good one that that... i can never get my words to work out this way. You've definitely mastered the art of language, and your message is amazing. this needs to be in the printed magazine!
 
gelpen94 said...
Apr. 26, 2010 at 8:45 am

Shakespeare  sonnets were meant to be interpreted in various ways. One of them may have used metaphors. But this poem is undeniably AMAZING! I always have trouble using the rhyme schemes withoutloosing the overall meaning. ITS INSPIRING!

 

 
Milo! said...
Apr. 3, 2010 at 10:46 pm
There's no extended metaphor in the second quatrain. There should be one since I'm assuming you're writing a shaekspearean sonnet
 
electrichearts replied...
Apr. 21, 2010 at 6:45 pm
An extended metaphor is not a characteristic of a Shakespearean sonnet. ;)
 
electrichearts said...
Mar. 8, 2010 at 4:53 pm
haha you're very kind :)
 
electrichearts said...
Mar. 8, 2010 at 4:53 pm
thank you!
 
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