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Him & Him


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Commandments stone on slave-prince mountain maul
Less pay rebuke from quiet burdens pained
Thy new deems obsolete hath heaven call
Weeping doves cast crimson, edicts inane
Virtuous bride veneer exalting fifth
Wed tender beguil’d hands dearth commonplace
Forsake poor ills cherishing dev’lish sift
Abstract His binding ring; expunge thy grace
Hath said adoration shall relish flaws
Perhaps claimed forth heeding His hail and beck
Yet so accept tragedies, tender claws
Vehement joys s’rrounding thy face and neck?
Discern, breed sheep, elude, lest He appease
Exist no truer words abode of these



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Kyra_McNThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
May 16 at 7:21 am:
I, too, would disagree.  I think the different and expansive vocabulary makes the poem more interesting.
 
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AnnaXThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Apr. 27 at 7:21 pm:

Hi,

I love this sonnet. It is very raw and deep; heartwrenching, really. You did a splendid job.

 
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NeVassaThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Apr. 27 at 10:07 am:
This is beautiful! I loved it!
 
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Tyler P. said...
Apr. 27 at 9:37 am:
sweeetttnesss
 
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IMAdreamerThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Apr. 5 at 8:14 pm:
Amazing!!!!!nice work, you've got some real talent!!!! Keep writing :) 5/5 Ps. Please read rate and comment on my works
 
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JenCon said...
Feb. 11 at 2:41 pm:
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful job. I had no idea you were this talented! Keep me posted on future poems, it's clear you have a gift. -J
 
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shakespeare1995 said...
Jan. 25 at 6:55 pm:
all I can say is wow! just like shakespeare haha nice work
 
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The Lightning Dolt said...
Nov. 30, 2011 at 4:54 pm:

Constructive Criticism:

You obviously have talent, but please put away the thesaurus. Use the words that come naturally from within. It just feels like you're forcing uncommon words into places where their modern counterparts would work equally well (unless it was your objective to use pre-modern launguage and rhyme scheme, which if that was the case your poem is flawless).

Cheerio! 

 
AbandonedSoulThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 24, 2011 at 5:45 pm :
Agreed, the combination of pre-modern English and common modern words is quite awkward, and not nearly as efficient as a poem cosisted entirely of pre-modern words or modern words. The pre-modern grammar gave the poem a wrong rhythm and made it visually unappealing.
 
meals100This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jan. 8 at 4:17 pm :
totally agree The lightning dolt! the poem was too wordy and i felt it very shallow because of all the words and they didn't feel necessary or even rhythmic to me. just a little much, if you ask me.
 
Carlino replied...
Jan. 25 at 6:52 pm :
I have to disagree with all three of you. I'm pretty sure the blend of old english words and modern words was intentional... she/he wrote that the sonnet was about abusive relationships, so (in my personal interpretation) the author is making an older issue come alive in new times. i thought (and again, my opinion) that this was really fantastic. abandoned soul, what does "visually unappealing" mean? It's a sonnet, it's not meant to be "visual," so i was a bit confused. and meals100, i thought t... (more »)
 
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purplebutterfly said...
Nov. 3, 2011 at 12:17 pm:
this is a very deep poem and I think that it was a wonderful choice to pick! good job and keep up the great work!
 
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Z_Wendland said...
Jul. 16, 2011 at 10:26 pm:
This is amazing. Favorite poem I have ever read. Honestly. 
 
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Laura_OliverThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jul. 16, 2011 at 5:59 pm:

Oh wait...I checked your profile thingy and saw one of your favorite authors. I see where you got your inspiration!!!

I'm serious about the play.

 
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Laura_OliverThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jul. 16, 2011 at 5:55 pm:

You should try to write an imitation Shakespeare poem or play. Honestly, it took me a while to decipher this (I appreciate your explanation).

Because you seem to have such a mature writing style, I would love it if you checked out my poem, "True Colors" that I wrote.

 
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TAR11This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jul. 16, 2011 at 5:05 pm:
Very cool.  Please check out my poems "From the Hilltop" and Anonymous' Inferno"  Thanks! 
 
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writerfreak21231This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jul. 14, 2011 at 2:33 pm:
It was an awesome poem!!! Great job! i just wrote two stories called nightstalker and the beast. If any of u read them please post comments if u liked them or not or if i should change anything. Thanks! :D
 
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Antoinette16This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jun. 30, 2011 at 5:54 pm:
This is great, I had to read it a couple of times to understand it, but it's amazing.
 
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Lola_BlackThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jun. 24, 2011 at 4:22 pm:
I feel kind-of dumb, since I had to read it a few times to get it. And even then, I still needed the side caption or I would still be confused. But, it's beautiful. The words just flow together, you know? Whether you know what it's saying or not, it still sounds right.
 
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Emmaxoxo said...
Jun. 24, 2011 at 1:58 pm:
Wait a sec, this isn't in the print magazine?!
 
Lexie96This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Nov. 3, 2011 at 8:54 pm :
Yeah, no kidding that's what I said!
 
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Emmaxoxo said...
Jun. 24, 2011 at 1:54 pm:
You are gifted, my friend.
 
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breathingjellyfish said...
May 30, 2011 at 11:23 pm:

This left me absolutely speechless. You have an amazing talent. Don't give it up. 

 

 
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kdtodd said...
May 19, 2011 at 12:17 pm:
I really love this poem! It is really good!
 
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madbunnymoniqueThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
May 10, 2011 at 8:10 pm:

Some of the words were BIG but it was good

 

 
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Dominicano_Loco said...
Mar. 28, 2011 at 1:18 pm:
Sorry to say but the wording is very complicated. It appears to have a story and some meaning behind it, but the complicated wording takes alot away from readers such as myself.
 
The~Watcher replied...
Jun. 2, 2011 at 9:54 am :
Mmm... I'm not quite sure that the author understands all the words. I mean, maybe she has a general idea, but doesn't quite get what part of speech they are or typical connotations. I knew what all the words meant, but they were strung together in a way that didn't make much sense.
 
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marlina said...
Dec. 17, 2010 at 6:51 pm:
so touching! this belongs in the magazine
 
* Lovin Sbeeee replied...
Feb. 3, 2011 at 4:20 pm :
I have no idea what any of that says. Umm. Dictionary Pleaase>?
 
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MarlyreThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 10, 2010 at 9:37 pm:
WOW, diction so elaborate and language woven to suit the times of biblical birth, great! i have a sonnett in pending, but could you read some of my stuff?
 
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Anima A. said...
May 15, 2010 at 7:28 pm:
I WISH I COULD HAVE SUCH PASSION IN MY WRITTING
 
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CreativeScript said...
May 8, 2010 at 4:07 pm:

This is really good! I liked how professionally and well written this is.

CHECK OUT MY STORIES: Driving Drunk & Ouiji Board if you like HORROR & PERSONAL LIFE EXPERIENCES!

 
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the.stillness.is.the.moveThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 6, 2010 at 11:57 pm:
thank the lord, a sonnet in the sonnet section!! and a darn good one that that... i can never get my words to work out this way. You've definitely mastered the art of language, and your message is amazing. this needs to be in the printed magazine!
 
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gelpen94 said...
Apr. 26, 2010 at 8:45 am:

Shakespeare  sonnets were meant to be interpreted in various ways. One of them may have used metaphors. But this poem is undeniably AMAZING! I always have trouble using the rhyme schemes withoutloosing the overall meaning. ITS INSPIRING!

 

 
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Milo! said...
Apr. 3, 2010 at 10:46 pm:
There's no extended metaphor in the second quatrain. There should be one since I'm assuming you're writing a shaekspearean sonnet
 
electrichearts replied...
Apr. 21, 2010 at 6:45 pm :
An extended metaphor is not a characteristic of a Shakespearean sonnet. ;)
 
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electrichearts said...
Mar. 8, 2010 at 4:53 pm:
haha you're very kind :)
 
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electrichearts said...
Mar. 8, 2010 at 4:53 pm:
thank you!
 
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noelleism said...
Mar. 1, 2010 at 8:28 pm:
I would very highly regard your opinion on my work, This way may be hard, And, In this world, in this life.
 
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flyinghigh said...
Feb. 27, 2010 at 2:59 pm:
you are truly a fantastic writer. at first, i was a bit lost with the message, but during the second & third readings, it clicked. this does not sound like a teen's writing... you are clearly wise beyond your years. beautiful!
 
electrichearts replied...
Feb. 27, 2010 at 3:16 pm :
Thank you for your feedback.
 
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breakfree said...
Feb. 27, 2010 at 11:52 am:
awesome sonnet I realy did'nt get it at first but then I read your side post and it all fell into place.
 
electrichearts replied...
Feb. 27, 2010 at 3:06 pm :
Thanks! I tried to clarify as it I figured the message could be a little tricky.
 
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noelleism said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 8:55 am:
Um...There's two Hims', Is the second God?
 
electrichearts replied...
Feb. 27, 2010 at 3:04 pm :
The first 'him' is the husband and the second is God.
 
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noelleism said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 8:52 am:
By the way, you really know what a sonnet is. Your the fist sonnet I've read in the sonnet section
 
electrichearts replied...
Feb. 27, 2010 at 3:05 pm :
Haha, I know. 95% of pieces in the sonnets section are not sonnets. lol
 
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noelleism said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 8:48 am:
Do you believe in God?
Is this truely your original work?
How old are you?
Your work is just so good.
 
electrichearts replied...
Feb. 27, 2010 at 3:03 pm :
1. Yes, I do believe in God (I'm Episcopalian).
2. Yes, this is my original work.
3. I am 15.
& Thank you! <3
 
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noelleism said...
Feb. 23, 2010 at 8:32 am:
Are you a guy? well...awesome poetry. I've been on teen ink for a While and I've never read anything like this. Your way of wording...O.M.G. Your Incredible. How long did it take you to right this? I can totaly tell you've read Shakespeare. Love your effect. deffinatly keep writeing and don't ever let anyone disscourage you. :)
 
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