Him & Him

January 15, 2010
By electrichearts SILVER, Franklin Lakes, New Jersey
electrichearts SILVER, Franklin Lakes, New Jersey
5 articles 0 photos 29 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It didn't matter in the end how old they had been, or that they were girls, but only that we had loved them, and that they hadn't heard us calling, still do not hear us, up here in the tree house with our thinning hair and soft bellies, calling them out of those rooms where they went to be alone for all time, alone in suicide, which is deeper than death, and where we will never find the pieces to put them back together. "


Commandments stone on slave-prince mountain maul
Less pay rebuke from quiet burdens pained
Thy new deems obsolete hath heaven call
Weeping doves cast crimson, edicts inane
Virtuous bride veneer exalting fifth
Wed tender beguil’d hands dearth commonplace
Forsake poor ills cherishing dev’lish sift
Abstract His binding ring; expunge thy grace
Hath said adoration shall relish flaws
Perhaps claimed forth heeding His hail and beck
Yet so accept tragedies, tender claws
Vehement joys s’rrounding thy face and neck?
Discern, breed sheep, elude, lest He appease
Exist no truer words abode of these

The author's comments:
This was written about a battered wife, who fears to leave her husband due to her commitment to God and religion, public scorn, and her husband. It does not take place in any specific place or time as such women have almost always and as long as partnerships have existed, suffered in silence. It tries to say that despite the Bible's intention to promote peace, love, and devotion in marriage, the social bind can also destroy when a spouse becomes abusive.

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This article has 111 comments.


CK310 BRONZE said...
on Sep. 6 2012 at 10:06 pm
CK310 BRONZE, Monsey, New York
4 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what your not" ~Kurt Cobain

I personally can't relate to it on any level because the old english is a little hard to understand, but nonetheless this is beautiful and well constructed! don't stop writitng~

evaj said...
on Aug. 28 2012 at 11:35 am
Your ignorance is astounding. First, you completely misintepret her work. Then, you question her religion. How dare you judge someone else's faith... and based on a 14-line poem! You should be more informed before you start writing comments that lie to people and stir trouble. And you need to learn what tolerance is. Try reading learning some manners.

on Jul. 2 2012 at 8:52 am
juukatika SILVER, Margate, Florida
5 articles 6 photos 2 comments
The Bible doesn't say that a woman can't leave her husband if he's abusive. That is the only way to divorce a person when you're married. You should be more informed before you start writing poems that lie to people and make them turn against God. And you need to learn who God is. Try reading the Bible.

on May. 16 2012 at 7:21 am
mindless_dreaming BRONZE, Wyckoff, New Jersey
1 article 0 photos 43 comments

Favorite Quote:
"May make my heart as a millstone, set my face as a flint, Cheat and be cheated, and die: who knows? We are ashes and we are dust." -Alfred, Lord Tennyson, 'Maud'

I, too, would disagree.  I think the different and expansive vocabulary makes the poem more interesting.

AnnaX PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 27 2012 at 7:21 pm
AnnaX PLATINUM, Boston, Massachusetts
20 articles 0 photos 28 comments

Favorite Quote:
“I write only because there is a voice within me that will not be still.”

Hi,

I love this sonnet. It is very raw and deep; heartwrenching, really. You did a splendid job.


NeVassa GOLD said...
on Apr. 27 2012 at 10:07 am
NeVassa GOLD, Ft. Belvoir, Virginia
18 articles 0 photos 50 comments

Favorite Quote:
Oh god I was a stupid twelve year old

This is beautiful! I loved it!

Tyler Phan said...
on Apr. 27 2012 at 9:37 am
Tyler Phan, Grandville, Michigan
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
sweeetttnesss

on Apr. 5 2012 at 8:14 pm
Shahiro PLATINUM, Johnston, Iowa
20 articles 2 photos 262 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Soon we must all choose between what is right and what is easy." - Dumbledore (Goblet of Fire)

Amazing!!!!!nice work, you've got some real talent!!!! Keep writing :) 5/5 Ps. Please read rate and comment on my works

JenCon said...
on Feb. 11 2012 at 2:41 pm
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful job. I had no idea you were this talented! Keep me posted on future poems, it's clear you have a gift. -J

on Jan. 25 2012 at 6:55 pm
all I can say is wow! just like shakespeare haha nice work

Carlino said...
on Jan. 25 2012 at 6:52 pm
I have to disagree with all three of you. I'm pretty sure the blend of old english words and modern words was intentional... she/he wrote that the sonnet was about abusive relationships, so (in my personal interpretation) the author is making an older issue come alive in new times. i thought (and again, my opinion) that this was really fantastic. abandoned soul, what does "visually unappealing" mean? It's a sonnet, it's not meant to be "visual," so i was a bit confused. and meals100, i thought this was just about as deep as you could get. i thought electric hearts did a stunning job, but again, my opinion

on Jan. 8 2012 at 4:17 pm
meals100 SILVER, Grafton, Massachusetts
6 articles 0 photos 19 comments

Favorite Quote:
"never take life seriously. no one gets out alive anyways."

totally agree The lightning dolt! the poem was too wordy and i felt it very shallow because of all the words and they didn't feel necessary or even rhythmic to me. just a little much, if you ask me.

on Dec. 24 2011 at 5:45 pm
AbandonedSoul BRONZE, Baldwin Park, California
3 articles 2 photos 10 comments

Favorite Quote:
"For it so falls out
That what we have we prize not to the worth,
Whiles we enjoy it, but being lack’d and lost,
Why, then we rack the value; then we find
The virtue, that possession would not show us
Whiles it was ours" - William Shakespeare

Agreed, the combination of pre-modern English and common modern words is quite awkward, and not nearly as efficient as a poem cosisted entirely of pre-modern words or modern words. The pre-modern grammar gave the poem a wrong rhythm and made it visually unappealing.

on Nov. 30 2011 at 4:54 pm

Constructive Criticism:

You obviously have talent, but please put away the thesaurus. Use the words that come naturally from within. It just feels like you're forcing uncommon words into places where their modern counterparts would work equally well (unless it was your objective to use pre-modern launguage and rhyme scheme, which if that was the case your poem is flawless).

Cheerio! 


Lexie96 GOLD said...
on Nov. 3 2011 at 8:54 pm
Lexie96 GOLD, Havana, Illinois
11 articles 0 photos 378 comments

Favorite Quote:
Now Cinderella don't you go to sleep, it's such a bitter form of refuge, oh don't you know the kingdom's under siege, and everbody needs you. - The Killers

Yeah, no kidding that's what I said!

on Nov. 3 2011 at 12:17 pm
purplebutterfly SILVER, Sweet Home, Oregon
8 articles 0 photos 11 comments
this is a very deep poem and I think that it was a wonderful choice to pick! good job and keep up the great work!

on Jul. 16 2011 at 10:26 pm
Z_Wendland BRONZE, Olathe, Kansas
4 articles 0 photos 5 comments
This is amazing. Favorite poem I have ever read. Honestly. 

on Jul. 16 2011 at 5:59 pm
Laura_Oliver GOLD, Manchester, Connecticut
12 articles 2 photos 122 comments

Oh wait...I checked your profile thingy and saw one of your favorite authors. I see where you got your inspiration!!!

I'm serious about the play.


on Jul. 16 2011 at 5:55 pm
Laura_Oliver GOLD, Manchester, Connecticut
12 articles 2 photos 122 comments

You should try to write an imitation Shakespeare poem or play. Honestly, it took me a while to decipher this (I appreciate your explanation).

Because you seem to have such a mature writing style, I would love it if you checked out my poem, "True Colors" that I wrote.


TAR11 SILVER said...
on Jul. 16 2011 at 5:05 pm
TAR11 SILVER, Allison Park, Pennsylvania
7 articles 0 photos 51 comments
Very cool.  Please check out my poems "From the Hilltop" and Anonymous' Inferno"  Thanks! 


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