Him & Him

January 15, 2010
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Commandments stone on slave-prince mountain maul
Less pay rebuke from quiet burdens pained
Thy new deems obsolete hath heaven call
Weeping doves cast crimson, edicts inane
Virtuous bride veneer exalting fifth
Wed tender beguil’d hands dearth commonplace
Forsake poor ills cherishing dev’lish sift
Abstract His binding ring; expunge thy grace
Hath said adoration shall relish flaws
Perhaps claimed forth heeding His hail and beck
Yet so accept tragedies, tender claws
Vehement joys s’rrounding thy face and neck?
Discern, breed sheep, elude, lest He appease
Exist no truer words abode of these

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This article has 111 comments. Post your own now!

juukatika said...
Jul. 2, 2012 at 8:52 am
The Bible doesn't say that a woman can't leave her husband if he's abusive. That is the only way to divorce a person when you're married. You should be more informed before you start writing poems that lie to people and make them turn against God. And you need to learn who God is. Try reading the Bible.
evaj replied...
Aug. 28, 2012 at 11:35 am
Your ignorance is astounding. First, you completely misintepret her work. Then, you question her religion. How dare you judge someone else's faith... and based on a 14-line poem! You should be more informed before you start writing comments that lie to people and stir trouble. And you need to learn what tolerance is. Try reading learning some manners.
Kyra_McN said...
May 16, 2012 at 7:21 am
I, too, would disagree.  I think the different and expansive vocabulary makes the poem more interesting.
AnnaX This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 27, 2012 at 7:21 pm


I love this sonnet. It is very raw and deep; heartwrenching, really. You did a splendid job.

NeVassa said...
Apr. 27, 2012 at 10:07 am
This is beautiful! I loved it!
Tyler P. said...
Apr. 27, 2012 at 9:37 am
IMAdreamerThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Apr. 5, 2012 at 8:14 pm
Amazing!!!!!nice work, you've got some real talent!!!! Keep writing :) 5/5 Ps. Please read rate and comment on my works
JenCon said...
Feb. 11, 2012 at 2:41 pm
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful job. I had no idea you were this talented! Keep me posted on future poems, it's clear you have a gift. -J
shakespeare1995 said...
Jan. 25, 2012 at 6:55 pm
all I can say is wow! just like shakespeare haha nice work
The Lightning Dolt said...
Nov. 30, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Constructive Criticism:

You obviously have talent, but please put away the thesaurus. Use the words that come naturally from within. It just feels like you're forcing uncommon words into places where their modern counterparts would work equally well (unless it was your objective to use pre-modern launguage and rhyme scheme, which if that was the case your poem is flawless).


AbandonedSoul replied...
Dec. 24, 2011 at 5:45 pm
Agreed, the combination of pre-modern English and common modern words is quite awkward, and not nearly as efficient as a poem cosisted entirely of pre-modern words or modern words. The pre-modern grammar gave the poem a wrong rhythm and made it visually unappealing.
meals100 replied...
Jan. 8, 2012 at 4:17 pm
totally agree The lightning dolt! the poem was too wordy and i felt it very shallow because of all the words and they didn't feel necessary or even rhythmic to me. just a little much, if you ask me.
Carlino replied...
Jan. 25, 2012 at 6:52 pm
I have to disagree with all three of you. I'm pretty sure the blend of old english words and modern words was intentional... she/he wrote that the sonnet was about abusive relationships, so (in my personal interpretation) the author is making an older issue come alive in new times. i thought (and again, my opinion) that this was really fantastic. abandoned soul, what does "visually unappealing" mean? It's a sonnet, it's not meant to be "visual," so i was a bit confused. and meals100, i thought t... (more »)
purplebutterfly said...
Nov. 3, 2011 at 12:17 pm
this is a very deep poem and I think that it was a wonderful choice to pick! good job and keep up the great work!
Z_Wendland said...
Jul. 16, 2011 at 10:26 pm
This is amazing. Favorite poem I have ever read. Honestly. 
Laura_Oliver said...
Jul. 16, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Oh wait...I checked your profile thingy and saw one of your favorite authors. I see where you got your inspiration!!!

I'm serious about the play.

Laura_Oliver said...
Jul. 16, 2011 at 5:55 pm

You should try to write an imitation Shakespeare poem or play. Honestly, it took me a while to decipher this (I appreciate your explanation).

Because you seem to have such a mature writing style, I would love it if you checked out my poem, "True Colors" that I wrote.

TAR11 said...
Jul. 16, 2011 at 5:05 pm
Very cool.  Please check out my poems "From the Hilltop" and Anonymous' Inferno"  Thanks! 
writerfreak21231This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jul. 14, 2011 at 2:33 pm
It was an awesome poem!!! Great job! i just wrote two stories called nightstalker and the beast. If any of u read them please post comments if u liked them or not or if i should change anything. Thanks! :D
Antoinette16 said...
Jun. 30, 2011 at 5:54 pm
This is great, I had to read it a couple of times to understand it, but it's amazing.
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