Kind of way

May 1, 2017

“Why do you hate her so much?”
“I don’t hate her.”
“Then why do you always say her name like that?”
“Like what?”
“Spitefully. Like it hurts you to say it. I don’t understand what she did to make you dislike her this much when you’ve never even met her.”
“Oh my god, there is no way you can actually be this f***ing dense.”
“What do you mean?”
“Seriously? I really need to spell it out for you?”
“Yes! I really don’t get-”
“Maybe because she took away the one thing that actually made me happy!”
Silence. We are both breathing hard. And then,
“You don’t know how badly I wish the fates had realigned to make it so you never met her because maybe then I’d still have a reason to get out of bed.
Because you know what? I love you. Yes, in the ‘you’re my best friend and I don’t want to lose you’ kind of way.
But also in the ‘I hate going a day without talking to you because it feels like something is missing’ kind of way
In the ‘it hurts seeing her name pop up on your phone because I know she means more to you than I ever did’ kind of way
In the ‘I still remember the feeling of your lips pressed against mine and wish with all my heart I could experience it just one last time’ kind of way
In the ‘I still just wanna fall asleep with your arms wrapped around me’ kind of way
In the ‘it still hurts to say your name’ kind of way
In the ‘it makes me want to cry everytime I see you because we’re not what we used to be, but I don’t want a life without you in it’ kind of way
I love you in the kind of way that an author loves their words
How a photographer loves their pictures
How a chef loves their food
How an artist loves their masterpieces
They are all an extension of the person, a piece of them they’ve displayed for the world to see
A part of their soul they’ve poured out, one they’de be lost without
It’s what completes them, what defines them
It’s what helps them be the best them they can be
I love you in the way that makes you the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep and the first thing when I wake up, and most of the seconds in between
And that means you are either the cause of my pain, or the cause of my happiness
And I love you in the kind of way where you are both.”
I am crying now, voice cracking, breathing ragged.
“And I say her name like that because that’s how you love her.”

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