Farewell

December 24, 2012
By NarutosimG GOLD, Chicago, Illinois
NarutosimG GOLD, Chicago, Illinois
10 articles 2 photos 53 comments

I look at the world like a window feel distance and beyond my reach. In the real world I am mostly erase can't see my face nor hear me. I am invisible in this world you call reality.But I call it a living nightmare or a world that isn't there. Even thou I am here I feel like I don't belong, reality haven't really accept me as one of it own. There is only one world that will accept me for who I am you call it a dream but it real to me. It the only place were I can breath and feel alive for the first time. It doesn't cause pain either suffering and anyone is invite. You been there before. It were people fantasy and dream grow even more. All you need to do is go to sleep and you there once again. But you can live there forever you need to wake up! It sad I know but it isn't bye forever but see you next time at night farewell.



Similar Articles

JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 10 comments.


on Jul. 22 2013 at 8:42 pm
Kit-Kait BRONZE, Amherst, Virginia
1 article 0 photos 54 comments
I'm not sure what you wanted to go on about in this poem, and the format makes it fuzzy. You should insert verses, and stanzas. I will go over this with you, and I hope you will learn something so, henceforth I do not have to correct this for you. We will go with the verses first. You need to make them clear, and, in true poetry, we do not include paragraphs upon paragraphs to terrorize our victims. I will fix a few lines with you, and you can correct whatever you think I made wrong:   "I look at the world like a window, Feel distance beyond my reach. In the real world I am mostly likely erased; You cannot see my face or hear me."   Deal with that as you might. Let us go on to punctuation. You either add a comma, period, exclaimation mark, or question mark at the end, to end a thought. Although you do not always need it, it may be recommended. Again, I cannot focus on the subject, so make that a little more clear. The stanzas will help that, but you need to carefully assess your vocabulary, imagery, grammar, and punctuation. Your spelling is horrid, and it throws me off and makes me wish to not read it. I will now fix a few spelling errors, but you may have to find the rest yourself:   "Even though I am here" "One of its own" "It's the only place where I can breathe" "And anyone is invited" "It's where fantasy and dream grow even more" "And you'll be there again"   And that's all I am going to write out. Search for the rest as an exercise. Now, I am going to fix the poem and include all of the verses and stanzas:   "I look at the world like a window, And I feel distance is beyond my reach. In the real world, I am most likely erased; You cannot see my face or hear me. I am invisible in this world you call "reality", But I call it a living nightmare, Or a world that isn't there. Even though I am here, I feel that I do not belong; Reality hasn't accepted me as one of its own. There is only one world that will accept me for who I am. You call it a dream, But it is real to me. It is the only place I can breathe and feel alive for the first time. It does not cause pain or suffering, And anyone is invited. It is where fantasies and dreams collide, And where they grow even more. You have been there before, And all you need to do is go to sleep And you may be there again. You can't live there forever; You need to wake up. It is sad, I know, But it is not gone forever. All you have to do is sleep into your dreams and be gone."   The ending was horrid, because you cannot talk to the reader; you need to have a subtle way of ending. I changed a few lines for you, because, one) they were either way off topic, or two) it did not fit well. I hope that this is okay, but it still needs work... It needs structure, besides my critiquing. Find your own style, and show it off, so I do not have to fix a work ever again. -Kait[lyn]

on Jul. 22 2013 at 8:13 pm
NarutosimG GOLD, Chicago, Illinois
10 articles 2 photos 53 comments
here my  no gramer make sence poem below:I look at the world like a window, feel distance, and beyond my reach. In the real world I am mostly erase can't see my face nor hear me. I am invisible in this world you call reality.But I call it a living nightmare or a world that isn't there. Even thou I am here I feel like I don't belong, reality haven't really accept me as one of it own. There is only one world that will accept me for who I am you call it a dream but it real to me. It the only place where I can breath and feel alive for the first time. It doesn't cause pain neither suffering and anyone is invite. You been there before; it were people fantasy and dream grow even more. All you need to do is go to sleep and you there once again. But you can live there forever you need to wake up! It sad I know but it isn't bye forever, but see you next time at night farewell.  

on Jul. 22 2013 at 7:58 pm
Jade.I.Am ELITE, Fishers, Indiana
214 articles 14 photos 1163 comments

Favorite Quote:
“If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose”
― Charles Bukowski

I really like the concept, first of all. But I'm just gonna be blunt about the way it was executed—it could have been written better. The block formatting is confusing, and some sentences run on.....and the grammar isn't as good as it should be. I feel like it says the same thing the whole way through—you know? I wasn't surprised or challenged when reading it. I'd give this a 3/5. Keep it up, though! :)

HazelGrace said...
on Jun. 9 2013 at 11:36 pm
This is nice, but a few things: 1. Grammaer kind of messes up the flow 2. You need to try and make your line breaks more deliberate, so they have more effect 3. It's a little reptitive with the language, watch for using 'I" too much 4. Try to end and begin with more of a bang  Overall, nice job and nice poem

on Jan. 8 2013 at 1:32 pm
Sakuya PLATINUM, Richmond, Virginia
39 articles 12 photos 63 comments
I like the idea of this but you do have some spelling and other errors, which can take away from a great piece like this. I think if you connected your imagery together it could become even better

on Dec. 30 2012 at 2:32 pm
AhtmahKhalsa DIAMOND, Espanola, New Mexico
54 articles 1 photo 33 comments

Favorite Quote:
''Be Formless, Shapless, Like Water...When you put water in the cup, you become the cup, when you put water in the teapot, you become the teapot, be water my friend...'' -Bruce Lee

''The Only enemy we have to fight is ourselves''-Morihei Ueshiba

Very Good! Sad But Good! :)

B.C.S. BRONZE said...
on Dec. 30 2012 at 1:40 pm
B.C.S. BRONZE, Doylestown, Pennsylvania
2 articles 0 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
“When someone says you've changed, it's only because you stopped living your life their way.”

The theme was good, but i would check for typos and the tenses if your verbs, it will help things flow a little better, good job!

on Dec. 30 2012 at 11:16 am
Hamzawaseem GOLD, Lahore, Other
15 articles 1 photo 144 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The important thing is not to stop questioning." ~Einstein

good theme

Picus. said...
on Dec. 30 2012 at 8:35 am
Good Job. =D

on Dec. 29 2012 at 9:48 pm
Wordfreak1 BRONZE, Aurora, Colorado
2 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
"F*ck you." - Feli to this guy that made her mad.

Jeane this poem is beautiful. I'm glad i got to read it and I applaud it. Again. Beautiful. -Word


SciArc

MacMillan Books

Aspiring Writer? Take Our Online Course!