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I Told No One

By , Mission Viejo, CA
To put it bluntly,

She was a cutter,

Running razors across

Her milky white wrists,

Blood dripping down, down,

And it soothed her.

She showed me

Her scars with

Frightened does’ eyes.

I told no one.

She called me in the early morning

To calm her down

Each time she

Slit her pretty skin to bits.

She covered up like it was

Going to snow in springtime

And sobbed into my shoulder,

Body heaving,

Horrible coughs escaping

From her exhausted body.

I carried her on my back,

I whispered words of solace:

I’m here.

I’m here.

I told no one.

She thought about death

Every day,

Telling me she was trapped.

And I could see her,

In a prison she built herself,

Iron bars locking her away

From all she loved.

She held the key in her hand

But she gripped it so tightly

It cut into her skin

To bleed around her feet.

And I, still, told no one.

She was wasting away

Like a maggot-covered skeleton

Of a body buried alive.

She smiled but her eyes were

Dead.

She talked but said

Nothing.

She saw but she was lost in her

Thoughts.

I told no one.

One day I gripped her sweaty palm

And led her into the office halls

To the door marked counselor.

I lied to her,

Telling her that

No one would find out

When I already knew

They had called her parents.

I, still, held her hand,

As she shook and wept

Before the woman who

Was paid to pretend she cared.

The woman explained she

Made a phone call,

Parents notified,

On their way.

She collapsed into me,

Gripping me tightly.

All I could do was hold her.

And then she changed.

Under a therapist’s guiding hand, she

Gulped down

Artificial happiness in

The form of a pill.

She smiled too wide

She talked too fast

She laughed too often

She skipped instead of walked

She told everyone who

Would listen

About what happened

She was too happy.

And I couldn’t handle

Her, this fake,

Pill-popping,

Skipping,

Giggling,

Monster of

Her former self.

I drew away

Unsure of why;

I couldn’t be around her.

She sickened me.

I told no one.

As I drifted away

More and more from

Her life, she,

Likewise,

Chased after me frantically

Scared she would lose me

As if, if I were gone,

She’d drown in the

Deep waters lapping at

Her floating body.

Being her life-boat meant

I couldn’t live myself;

All that I ever did was for

Her

All that I ever said was for

Her

I couldn’t handle anymore of

Her

So I broke apart from

Her.

She became obsessed with me.

Sent me constant texts

Hoping I’d respond.

I never did.

I stopped telling her that

“I loved her”

And it hurt her.

But, I,

I didn’t feel anything.

I told no one.

After that I started to feel very

Different and

Alone and

Maybe drowning, too

In darker waters

So much darker.

They consumed me from the inside out

They soaked my

Brain with

Thoughts of

Swallowing pills

And falling into

An eternal

Sleep.

And

I

Told

No

One.

I broke.

I realized that

I had always been pretending

That I was happy

So that others

Could be happy, too.

I tried to be

Strong,

But I broke and

My clothes were soaked in

Tear-stains and

The scent of

Death that

Followed me.

And I told no one

Until the day

It was too strong;

The monster in my brain

that dragged me into

the dark waters

left me

gasping

and gasping for

air and I

screamed at

the top of my

lungs and I

was beginning to

slip and then a

hand caught

me and

held me

and I told them

everything.





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