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Can you hear me, God?
I don't know where I've been, I don't know where I'm going.
I don't pray very often, and I know I haven't been good to you.
I'm sorry that I told him I don't believe in you
Just so that we could have something in common.
I know that you know about our first kiss and
How I felt mortified because it was in a church
And how I prayed that you wouldn't boil my heart
And turn me to ashes.
I know you aren't going to forget the time we took it too far,
And how I felt ashamed and pretended to not know why,
And how it perturbed me that he was so childlike,
But so wanton that the word paradox burst into tears
And vomited lessons from the Bible.
I know you know why I was ready for heartbreak
And how much I wanted the shame to end,
Why I was ready for him to say that he hated me,
And why I cried so much when he said, "I love you" instead.
I know that you know about the time
I realized his eyes weren't stained-glass mirrors,
How the fact that it might work out didn't matter
and why I decided that a hollow heart was free and weightless and better.
I'm sure you know why the guilt, though different, is still here,
though it is beyond me and I am wedged between the question
and the answer, not knowing what's on either side
And not being able to move past either.
Tell me where I'm headed, show me where I am.
I still believe in you.