My Little Soldier

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I wish I could write you a poem that would actually rhyme or sound nice
But I’m unable to think clearly right now and the words are just rushing through my fingertips
I’ll go back and read this later and wonder what I even meant to say but
I love you like the world that spins and I like your hair, dark and thin
I know you love me too but we both know you’re too strong to admit it
I don’t think it’s shameful to be in love, but then again we’ve disagreed plenty before
I’ll tell everyone in the world how much I wish you’d let me love you
You’d look at me at school and I just melt into the linoleum I am so ashamed now that I think about how stupid I was, how careless and free
I thought I could fly; I would’ve flown straight to you in the gym equipment room
I’m so glad you’re religious or I would’ve given you all of me, and I mean all of me
I would’ve had your baby and lived every day like a dream
But sometimes you’ve got to wake up
It’s not healthy for me to dream for long, I lose myself in my fantasies
I thought your walls would come down quicker than they really did
Every day I got a little chip out, but farther in there was more brick than expected
You introduced me to your friends and then you dared me to scream “I like boobies” in the gym and I did when everyone was filing in on the last day I ever saw you in person again
And your friends and I made jokes about your mom and it was so hilarious when you got mad and we all laughed while you pointed your finger and gave us a death glare
And you looked at me when I didn’t notice and I saw something in those big brown eyes that I know for sure was love
Because you looked at me differently than your girlfriend or even Megan Foxx
And even though I got bored from all your talk of the army, I listened for hours
I respected all of your opinions, even though I didn’t agree with most
We don’t need war in this world, unless you’re fighting for me
But I still love you and people say that means I’m in love, and I believe it because I’ve never felt like this
Everyone made all those jokes about us being married because we fought like a married couple
So I wear a ring on my finger to remind me of you
I loved you, more than you’ll know or care to ask
I know you loved me too, but to you that’s a sign of weakness
So I packed my things, and I told you goodbye
I didn’t even explain because I figured you’d know why
And even now when I’m done crying in my room all alone
I hear your laugh in my ear and that permanent sarcastic tone
and I hear you singing Bon Jovi’s “You give love a bad name” like you did that one day when you called me by accident and your phone was in your back pocket and you just sang until you heard me laughing and then there was an expletive and a dial tone
And I still have dreams where you’re not afraid to hold me
But I have to tell myself they’re not real
because if I let myself remember too much, I start to feel like I need you and I can’t breathe because I just want you, but nothing makes sense to me anymore
So I just stopped dreaming of you
And so this is all I can say without falling down to the floor
But this was from the heart, which scares you more than death
My little soldier





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