I don’t really know what’s going through your head when you see me. I’ve spent the month wondering if maybe you are just so incredibly sorry that you can’t even look at me. Or hoping that you just refuse to rest your eyes on me in fear of them meeting mine, just because you are afraid to face the victim behind what you did. I have wanted to confront you, wanted to scream at you until you regain your sense and look into your eyes until they water. I don’t just want you to say sorry I need you to say sorry. I cannot move on without an apology, I will not move on without an apology. At least I would not have, had I not met him. He will never know what a great thing he has done until the day I confess all my secrets. He will not know that he saved me from myself from living in fear, frustration, guilt, denial, doubt, and hate. I’ve thanked him for loving me in a way I could not accept or receive from anybody else. My hate for you has melted into pity for I feel sorry that you will be forever alone, that you will not have anybody to hold in your arms. That you will not have anybody’s number to dial late at night and talk to until you can talk no more. I pity you and your next victim. Because no matter where you go, no matter whom you meet, no matter the climax of any relationship you have you will always be alone at heart. The inability to feel the pain and love that others can feel is something I would not wish upon anybody. Since without the feeling of pain, you will not know why it is not okay to give such tremendous amounts to others. But for now, your soulless eyes are ones I no longer feel necessary or worthy of glaring into.
January 22, 2011