Inside I can’t tell who I am anymore. Some days I feel at peace and others I am rampant within my soul. I am restless and full of worldly passions. I see everything I do as something original and genuine, but as I grow older I realize that this world is staining me from the inside out. I tell myself everything everyone else does is selfish and people pleasing.
This earth has planted its seed on my heart and its sprouts are tearing me apart. Monday-Saturday I rage day and night with a rebellious attitude. I want to think that there are good people and that there is such a thing as doing something for someone else without selfish desires, but then I help someone and realize even through that act I was just trying to seek the good feeling through their thankfulness. Even after doing that good I will go back home and Drink and de-purify my life.
Then Sunday comes and I decide I am saved just for today! God will forgive me and maybe I will be surprised in the end of days when God comes down on clouds and in white robes saying “come to me Good and faithful servant.” But the reality is I don’t deserve his love and I have done absolutely nothing for his kingdom except for what God has done through me in spite of my attitude.

“My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” “Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?” Why do I keep falling into my same old pile of vomit each week? Save me from myself Lord! I am so angry! I have an enemy I can’t see, and I don’t have any anger at anyone on earth. You say you will save me from my enemies, but where are my enemies? Everyone I meet, I see myself in their reflection. How can I hate my enemy when I know that I’ve done the same things they’ve done? How can I pray against them?

I am raging! I don’t have direction or a set course. Each day I waste in slumber and laziness. Even my rage has no vector! Some days I burn hot like a coal, and then other days I burn out and grow cold like ice. Give me passion! Give me direction and security! If you are for us than who can be against us? I am scared, but then I am bold enough to deny you and say “I can do this on my own” when all is going right.

This is my hearts line of best fit! I will never give up seeking your face! I fall and get back up again by your constant love. From my human, imperfect, and unworthy eyes I see chaos and misdirection. When I look back at how far I’ve come I see victories. I see how even in spite of who I am you have loved me. If I was truly lost I would never have been searching for genuine hearts that were more than selfish. Without your holy spirit I would not have felt the discomfort of being content and letting myself die.
Praise you God for your perfection and constant example. Psalm 23! You have been my Shepard! I do walk in the valley of death! You have leaded me by still waters! But out of my own weak human will I have strayed by the false security of the Evil one! I have made bad decisions that always bring me to my knees in a humbling fashion. Then the most glorious thing happens…. You bring more still waters and you put me back on your paths of righteousness. Sanctify and purify me Lord. Let me keep raging! I rage against sin! I rage at the things trying to keep my love from you! This is my Raging Teen Sprit!