Doubt

I will try to approach this extremely sensitive subject as cautiously and unbiased as possible for someone who is entirely too uncautious and very, very biased. I was raised in an extremely religious home, and my family are all excellent Christians. I highly respect them for their faith, because they seem to be doing something which is seemingly impossible for me. I first started doubting my faith when I was nine years old, and I distinctly remember a voice creeping in the back of my head that repeatedly whispered “There is no God.” It grew and grew, and frankly, it was terrifying. I remember weeping on my bed because I knew, without a doubt, that I had no faith. I was (and still am) terrified of the idea of @#!*% , as everyone is. From then on I observed Christians, and from then on I realized something. I did not like the majority of Christians, and unfairly dumped them into two piles. The arrogant, highly hypocritical Christians, and the Christians who were completely fake. The arrogant, hypocritical ones seemed to think they were better than everyone else. Muslims? They were all idiots, of course, because they failed to see the one true God! Mormons? Buddhists? Equally ignorant and stupid. I cannot help but wonder what they would be saying about Christianity if they were raised under a different culture or religion. Anyways, for years I hid under a mask of terror. In Midland, Texas for someone to not believe in God was like walking around with a singing duck surgically sewn to your rear end. In other words, you were a freak. Although there are multiple stumbling blocks I have confronted in my faith, I struggle with two basic (probably even juvenile) problems I have when faced with Christianity, and religion in general.

The first and foremost , and the one that torments me the most mentally, is the idea of @#!*% . Me and my infinite stubbornness and stupidity cannot help but see the entire idea of @#!*% as something cruel, unjust, and ultimately, manipulative. Speaking hypothetically here, lets create a fake life for a young man. This young man (we’ll call him Alfred from now on) is raised in a severely Islamic home. Alfred was born in the Middle East, and is taught that the Quran is the complete and utter truth. If he defies, even questions the Islamic religion he has a serious chance of being executed. The few time Christianity is mentioned in his life, it is automatically dismissed as obsolete and ridiculous, just how we dismiss their religion the same way. He is brainwashed by the culture around him, and goes and gets himself blown up because he truly believes that if he does so he will be strongly rewarded in Paradise. But, according to the Christian religion, Alfred will suffer and burn eternally in our @#!*% . No matter how many different angles I look at this situation (which happens quite a bit, I think), it always ends up being completely and entirely unfair in my eyes. Did Alfred ever get a REAL chance to believe in the God of the Bible? Did he get the oppurtunity that us in America (especially Midland) get every single day? The answer is a clear and unarguable “no” in my eyes. Sure, people can make up this crap about how “everyone gets a genuine chance to believe in Christianity”, but if you look at the cultural differences of the world around you then I personally believe that statement would be verging on naive, if not completely ridiculous. I have several secular friends who have more moral values than most of the Christians I confront, and is it fair that they should have to suffer eternal damnation in the afterlife just because of their upbringings? Scripture tells us countless times that God loves us all unendurably, yet if He exists then He seems to put other people at a 1000000000000 light year disadvantage. Us privileged white people in private school who are all born in a Christian home get to chill in heaven with God eternally, while thousands of kind, generous, and loving people are getting damned to @#!*% every day simply because they didn’t worship Him and His awesomeness? I realize at this point I’m sounding very bitter and should probably stop, I just can’t help going on this rant I’ve told to myself hund
The second stumbling block I have is the idea of a personal God. Call me ignorant, call me whatever you want, but I am simply not seeing this whole “Jesus is my best friend” and “God is the person I love the most” thing. I still pray almost every night and is there an answer? Nope. Does He speak to me in “mysterious ways”? Nope. If there was a God, and He truly loved us all then I cannot see any reason why He would not communicate with us. I hate myself for saying this, I really do, but it’s the truth. I am a human being that feels horrible because the Bible is not enough evidence of God for me. I need more. I need Him to talk to me. I need Him to prove that He loves me with all His heart like I says. I cannot even begin to comprehend a God who rewards and punishes the subjects of his creation soully on the basis that they do not worship Him. I feel satisfied with the beautiful, infinitely complex world around me. I feel satisfied with music and literature and art and beauty. I feel satisfied with the love for my family and (am I verging on girly here?) friends. I feel ultimately satisfied with the relationships I have created in the world around me, and I am excited about he prospect of being able to experience new things and new cultures and new people in the life to come. Yes, I am often scared of the prospect of @#!*% and the unkown. I am scared at the prospect of my world ultimately ending after death, but for now, I am looking at the world and not seeing a creator. As Albert Enstein so perfectly puts it “Strange is our situation here on Earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to divine a purpose. From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: that man is here for the sake of other men-above all for those whose smiles and well-being our own happiness depends.” I see it like he sees it. There are some things I do not know, and God is certainly one of them, but I do, however, know that I am here with man, and that I should not take advantage of life.

I hope to God that I am not coming across as a trouble, rebellious, and bitter teen (I was waiting for the moment to make an ironic sentence like this, because I’m a loser like that) who approaches the world and the people and the world around me in a negative light. I hope that you understand where I am coming from, and can help me with that, because truly, I want to spend eternal life with Jesus.





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Inspiration said...
Feb. 25, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Hey JohnBosworth, how long ago did you publish this article? I'm surprised it hasn't been commented on yet.

I really feel that you could be an amazing writer with a little more care. While reading this article, i felt the sincere DOUBT you must've been feeling. 

I'm sort of in the same place as you, though I'm a little more trusting in a God. I simply feel that all non-harming religion is right and God is evident in all religions. 

Take care and keep writing,&nb... (more »)

 
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