Pass It On

August 9, 2017
By bo_olsen PLATINUM, St george, Utah
bo_olsen PLATINUM, St George, Utah
26 articles 0 photos 65 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good"


Summary:

Lilith and her little brother Brandon are exploring the attic when they find a DVD labeled "Do Not Watch."

When Lilith watches it, she starts recieving messages telling her to "pass it on." When she doesn't, a week later, she dies.

Brandon's mom, Millie, watches the DVD and starts acting weird. Brandon knows it's the disc's fault. Now it's up to him to stop it.


bo_olsen

Pass It On


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This book has 2 comments.


on Aug. 21 2017 at 12:33 am
Kestrel135 PLATINUM, Waterford, Connecticut
43 articles 0 photos 256 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Respect existence or expect resistance"

Hello! I saw your forum and figured I ought to take a look. You have a great story built into this; there's tension, suspense, and enough eerie action to make it a good thriller. That said, I don't think I every felt scared or even mildly disturbed while reading this, and the reason for that was likely a lack of detail. Like SpeakerofWolves had said, I think you can bring this story to life by adding more details. First off, the scene in the attic. Why are they there? Are they cleaning? They said their grandma keeps everything neatly boxed, so did she store everything up there? Not all these questions have to be answered - in a short thriller like this, it's okay to have some loose ends. But give your characters a reason to be doing what they're doing. In just this scene alone, you can add more details. Think senses; is it hot and humid from the summer air? Do they run into cobwebs? Is it night, only lit from a flickering light bulb circled by moths and their own flashlights? You can set the scene up (this and the others) to be more creepy, more suspenseful, and just more realistic by adding in these details. But even more important, make the movie creepier. It's a major plot device. Even the case the disc is in could have more description - does it look newly packaged, or is it labelled with peeling tape stained suspiciously crimson? Also, it shows death scenes. Are they gory, shadowy, the images hard to make out? Does the audio turn to static before moments of crystal clarity? How do the characters feel when watching that? I know it's a lot of questions to pose, but if you add more detail (senses, character's reactions and emotions, maybe changes in character appearances and personal upkeep as the disc affects them) this story can really come to life. I also think you could follow the sister longer. It takes a week for Rachel to kill them, right? So maybe follow her day by day as the week goes on, as she tries to go through normal life only to be haunted and eventually murdered by this disc. Speaking of her murder, describing it (or implying it just as it is about to happen before cutting to Brandon's chapter) could add to the suspense and tension of the situation. Plus, I felt like the other characters didn't really react appropriately to her death, and there were some missing pieces (funeral, services, grieving in general). Really though, you have a great story built in here. I hope at least some of this advice helps - take it or leave it as you see fit. If you don't use it for this story, maybe try applying some of it to your other works. Detail is key, and it's what makes the reader care about the characters, events, plot, and the story in general. Keep writing!

on Aug. 18 2017 at 9:48 pm
WolfWhisperer0911 DIAMOND, Crosby, Texas
51 articles 0 photos 782 comments

Favorite Quote:
"For I command you, be brave and steadfast! For the Lord your God will be with you whenever you go."
-Joshua 1:9

"Throw me to the wolves, and I'll return leading the pack."- Unknown

"Never moon a werewolf." -Mike Binder

@bo_olsen Hello bo_olsen! I had read your forum and I am more than happy to help you with your story. First of all, I like the idea that you are trying to make. Second, the plot line is ok which I highly recommend that you add some more events or places. Third, when the movie started, I would like to suggest to be descriptive as you can, or to simply say that at the beginning of the movie he immediately passed out by fear, whatever you choose. Fourth, when the ghost comes into the scenes, I would like to say that in the story to be sure to have more background information so that the reader could understand what caused this event that is in the books now. Lastly, when you had the ending, I am quite confused and shocked at the same time, among go like, "What?" So, what I would suggest is to have some more detail on the 4-year later Brandon like what is he doing now, what is his passion, etc. and then hit the reader with the cliffhanger that you made. I hope you take some time to read this and I hope you will consider my advice on your next story/ novel. I would love to read it and give more advice!


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