Pure Hearted

May 31, 2017
By KittyKoala, Norfolk, Other
KittyKoala, Norfolk, Other
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Summary:

Lila's life takes a drastic turn when she comes into abilities she never knew existed.


Alexa J.

Pure Hearted


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This book has 6 comments.


KittyKoala said...
on Jun. 9 2017 at 10:09 pm
KittyKoala, Norfolk, Other
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
That's Weird :/

KittyKoala said...
on Jun. 9 2017 at 10:08 pm
KittyKoala, Norfolk, Other
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
Thank you o much for your feedback, you've been very helpful! :)

on Jun. 9 2017 at 9:42 pm
valkyrie1212 BRONZE, Adelaide, Other
2 articles 0 photos 34 comments
Chapter 3: 'my mind wondered' should be 'my mind wandered'. There are also a few commas missing in this one. Make sure you skip a line every time a new person is speaking - there's a part in this chapter and one of the first two chapters where you didn't do that. Other than that, this was pretty cool! Can't wait to see what happens next :)

on Jun. 9 2017 at 9:36 pm
valkyrie1212 BRONZE, Adelaide, Other
2 articles 0 photos 34 comments
Chapter 2: love the ending! It made me want to read more. With the pacing, I feel it's a little too fast once again. Try adding more imagery - what does Lila look like? What are some of her unique traits eg her fashion sense, her actions (maybe she always fumbles with her clothes etc). This will help give readers a mental image of Lila and help with pacing. Also, are you trying to address the reader with this story? Sometimes, in this chapter and the first one, you seem to do so. For example, in this one, you wrote this line: "My luck was going to be the death of me I swear". By saying that, it seems like you're talking to readers ie swearing to readers. This makes the story really awkward and I think it would be better if those types of senteces were altered.

on Jun. 9 2017 at 9:26 pm
valkyrie1212 BRONZE, Adelaide, Other
2 articles 0 photos 34 comments
This comment is about Chapter 1 btw...I didn't realise comments on each separate chapter would show up on every other chapter, if that made sense :)

on Jun. 9 2017 at 9:24 pm
valkyrie1212 BRONZE, Adelaide, Other
2 articles 0 photos 34 comments
Cool idea, and cool start! Here are a few things to look out for: firstly, there are a few spelling and grammatical errors. For example, 'eying' shoud be 'eyeing', and 'aloud' should be 'allowed'. You've also missed a few commas here and there. Secondly, with the actual story itself, it reads a little awkwardly. I think the pacing and characterisation needs a bit more work...it seems a bit rushed and readers don't really know the character. Maybe try adding the last part where you're talking about the parents to the middle of the story, or add little bits and pieces of that last part throughout the story. That will help with pacing and characterisation. I'll keep reading now and give you my thoughts on the other chapters :)




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