Kissing was just an act to me. Not an act of love, but an action, just something I did because I knew that they wanted me to and I could go and tell my friends and they would gush about how they wished that it was them. People came to me for advice because I had kissed. Then as the year continued on everyone kissed, it was no big deal anymore. I could feel myself floating away from the social spectrum that I’ve always longed to be at the top of. So I made out before anyone else had. With a boy who was okay, he was sweet to me I guess that counts for something. Once everyone found out they came to me again with questions and comments. Again everyone had done what made me special, more advanced than others. So I went a step further, the cycle continued and I knew that there was only one thing left. But I was afraid, I was young, dumb, and I thought I knew what love was. He was nice, sweet, caring, funny, may a little too protective but he understood me. I knew him since we were young kids playing during recess as he stared at me with complete googly eyes as I looked at someone else with those type of big eyes. But one day I glanced at him and saw him as more than my kinda nerdy friend but someone I thought I could love. The relationship wasn’t long, only a few months, but I thought I knew everything, I thought I knew him. We decided to take the next step in our relationship. It was fine, it was even okay the couple others time that we did it before we ended. But when the word got out, I started to get different reactions. No one had come to be with curiosity like they had before. Instead, they had stopped coming to me and started going to others for their curiosity, not their curiosity for what I had done or for advice but about me. Girls would whisper as I walked passed while looking at me from my feet to the tippy top of my head analyzing my everything as if that would give them the answer they were searching for. I didn’t know what they would say until one day I walked passed a group of girls with their noses high in the air who had screamed out, “Hoe.” I continued walking like nothing happened while they giggled as if they had said something funny. That day I finally knew what girls would whisper about as I walked and why some people had left my life without a word. But what I didn’t understand was while I was being shamed, why was the boy I thought I loved being praised. When he walked boys would high five him, slap him on the back and do that weird bro shake that for some reason every guy knows. Then instead of losing friends, so many had entered and then continued to go to him for questions to satisfy their curiosity. That day when I had let the idea of being popular make decisions for me I had become labeled as a w**** and nothing more while he spent his time in the limelight enjoying every moment. To this day I am known as the girl who opened her legs before it was cool.
Before It Was Cool
March 27, 2018