He who gave me life, the one who was supposed to love me forever, he who broke my heart before any guy could, lied to me. The “I love you”s that meant so much to me, meant so little to him. He tore the last few strands that held me together apart. He pulled and tugged at me until I fell apart. He won. Now it is time for game two. I picked myself up and got better. The horrible days that came after. The sunny days turned into cold, rainy, and dark. The mask that hid my feelings so well that showed a simple smile on the outside. A fake smile. I can remember it like it was just a few seconds ago. “I hate you! I never loved you. When will you leave me alone?” The nights I spent crying. Thinking: when will this stop? I wonder: do you miss the hugs? The “I missed you so much! How was work?” I guess not. I still think if I didn’t leave, would it be the same? Would I ever know what you really felt? I will never know. “Sometimes to stay alive you got to kill your mind” sang a song I have heard millions of times. But what does it truly mean to me? That stranger is what is causing all this? That I have to get rid of what is hurting me and bring happiness into my life? This is yet another thing on my mind. I have no emotions toward Stranger. It is all trapped deep inside. I hope it never surfaces again for next time will be the last. For next time I will not put on a mask hiding my hurt. I will let it show. I will no longer be trapped within this cage of sadness. I am not 12 anymore. I am 15. I will not let you brake me. Cause more damage that has already been done. This is me. I am not your little girl anymore. He who gave me life, the one who was supposed to love me forever, finally got what he wanted. Thank you. For making me stronger. For changing me. You made me realize that not everything in life is simple and easy, but hard and frustrating. That not every day is going to be rainbows and sunshine. But cloudy and rainy. He is not my father, but a stranger I use to know.
May 22, 2017