Wandering in darkness where the only light around are burning flames. At every turn there is a horror to be seen; awful sights that had once been intentionally forgotten, shoved into the deepest part of the subconscious. Failures, mistakes, accidents taken to heart, insecurities. They all laid before me. That’s right, I am the demon in this hell. Why am I here in my own personal hell? Well, that is because I put myself here. I let others change me. I let them make me doubt and question who I am. In the end, I tried to be something I wasn’t, or at least I considered it. I never had the courage to really do it. I didn’t have the courage to do anything so I stayed quiet as an attempt to stay invisible, even though all I longed for was to be noticed. I wanted the real me to be seen and accepted, not wished to be something else. Of all the places that made me feel like I would end up here was church.Yep. Church. That place that is supposed to help you feel good and at peace and accepted and, eventually, get to heaven. Every Sunday for three years I felt like absolute crap, to say the least. On some Sundays I would even tell myself I was going to hell because I couldn’t do, or believe what they were saying. I was the one who questioned God. The one who didn’t see how he was so great. I don’t understand why he is the only one with the right to judge, not that people don’t do it anyway even if they say they don’t. I don’t see how he is so perfect. We are always told no one is perfect, so how can a God that created this imperfect world and this hell be so perfect? Maybe I will never understand. I shouldn’t really ever have to understand, right? Well I never felt like I had a choice. I had to understand. Everyone made me feel like I had to understand, yet not many people seemed to care enough to properly help me. I’d get the typical “it’s just a phase”, or even “read the bible”. That isn’t enough. That makes me feel like an error. As if how I am feeling and what I am going through is temporary even though it feels neverending and everlasting. It makes me feel like an outcast from everyone at church and in my family. It made me become insecure to be around religious people because I feared they would judge me, or see me differently once they found out my views, if they didn’t already know. Because of my family, people at my church actually expected me to already have faith in God and would be surprised when they found out otherwise. I felt like a failure for going through two years of a religious education class at my church and still not understanding anything, only feeling more self hatred and confusion. I felt I wasn’t what my family wanted, like I’d be a disappointment if I didn’t change. As much as I thought about how I needed to have faith to make them happy, that kind of faith isn’t something that can be faked. If it isn’t in the heart it just can’t happen until you get that click or calling to it. If you try, it hurts so much. Self acceptance is so hard. You have to be honest to yourself. One day it may click. That day may never come. Maybe it will click in a different religion or belief. Who knows? No one does. Ironically, you’d have to just take a leap of faith. Only time will tell. This isn’t just advice for those also struggling with religion. It can be for other things too. Self acceptance, in general, can be a struggle for people in this world. You aren’t alone. Just keep going and do little things to help your self acceptance level grow. Find that certain someone to give you a boost. Go to your favorite place. Do something you love, etc. Even I am still struggling with the religion thing and maybe even some insecurities I may be ignoring. It just takes time. Patience is key. Help yourself. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t let others beat you up.