August 10, 2013
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I couldn’t compete with what we had and what we didn’t have.
I lied when I said that I couldn’t handle the pain.
The truth is I can maybe I just didn’t want to for you.
I did love you and I know that I still do.
I’m just a mess right now and frankly so are you.
When you gave me an ultimatum I thank God that you did. In my head, I thought “this is my chance, my way out.” I felt so bad thinking that, I felt guilt and I hated myself for thinking that but at the same time I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to be happy.

When you asked me to marry you or leave you I didn’t doubt what I wanted to say but I showed you that what I had said was the hardest thing I had to do. It was the decent thing to do, I owe you that. I hoped that it would hurt a little less. Turns out that it didn’t make a difference, it hurt you the same way. My realization at that time is I do love you but just not enough to spend one more second with you. I wasn’t happy in our relationship and seeing that we lasted for a long time, I realized that I just settled with you because I felt like that was a better choice, the only choice. Back then I thought this is it, this is the best thing that will ever happen to me, you are as good as it gets. You loved me so much and that’s why I fell for you. It was easy loving you but as the time goes by it was getting harder to stay in love with you. You locked me in your life and gave me a little room to roam around in. And you know why I stayed there? It’s because I thought I needed that, I thought I deserved that. I thought that, that kind of love is the only love there is. There’s no person that made me realize all of this if that’s what you’re thinking. I didn’t leave you for another person.
If you want to blame someone then put it all on me, that would make me feel so much better because I’m really the one to blame. But I know you can’t blame me, and I’m begging you to not blame yourself.
Someday you’ll have someone in your life that will love you and won’t dare to hurt you. Someday that person will walk into your life and just make you genuinely happy. It won’t be hard and it won’t be painful, it will never be something like ours. And when that person comes you’ll realize that I gave you something that no one can ever give again.
The freedom you need to find the one true love you deserve.

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