Let me start out by saying that being gay and being a Christian is a terrible combination. It's hard, it seems impossible, but is a reality for me. If I had any say in the matter, I would rid myself of either Christianity or homosexuality, or both. But I can't. They're both an important part of me and my sense of self. I am proud to call myself a Christian, and I am confident in my sexuality. Most of the time.

Being what I am doesn't come without it's hardships or difficulties. My dad's homophobic and my entire family -excluding my mom's sister's family - is Christian. Devout Christians. Conservative Christians. Christians who wouldn't know what to do if they knew they had a gay daughter - who claimed to be a Christian. They might send me to a therapist, or pull their support. They might even call in an exorcist... Just kidding. Even so, everyday is a battle within my mind between what I've been taught through all my years of going to church, and what I am. Whether I was born gay or choose to be gay, I don't know. It's a little too philosophical for me to really confidently debate. What I do know, is that my Christian beliefs tend to win.

I started cutting about a year and a half ago. It's about that time that I became a little more introspective and aware of myself and my surroundings. I "became aware of my sexuality", for lack of a better way to phrase it. It didn't sit well with me. I spent a few months trying to convince myself it was just a phase I would grow out of and that it was just a mistake. But it wasn't. And with that realization, came feelings of disgust, disappointment, and confusion. How could I claim to be Christian and gay? So I kept quiet about it - and I still do. But not without me going through everyday hating what I am. Cutting for me, is a form of self-issued punishment. Punishment for being gay. Punishment for being a hypocrite. Punishment for living a life of sin - in both my consistent lying and homosexuality.

I'm in no way supporting self-harm. It's not something that I'm proud of. But something that I currently view as a necessity. It keeps me going. Nor am I proud of being gay and being a Christian. I am confident in my faith and I am confident in my sexuality, but I cannot be proud of what I am when you put those two things together. I am a hypocrite. Someone who is put together on the outside, but is fighting an eternal war inside my mind.