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I kept asking why when he said he couldn't go on any longer.
"Perhaps you're leaving me for someone else," I'd thought.
"You only want to take a break," I'd thought.
"Maybe it's just a test," I'd thought.
"It can't be over," I'd thought.
"You'll come back to me," I'd thought.
"I'm dreaming, it must be only a nightmare," I'd thought.
"Is it because I'm not good enough?" I'd thought.
"Oh please tell me you didn't cheat," I'd thought.
I had thought of thousands and thousands of reasons to explain it. I had thought of reasons to comfort myself. I had thought of reasons to trade back all the time I spent on the worthless cryings instead of sleeping. I had thought of reasons to ease the pain. I had thought of reasons to give myself hope - even just the slightest hope would be enough to mend my aching heart.
After all the desperation for millions of reasons, still, I knew deep inside that there was only one solid answer, true to the core, but hurt one-million-eight-thousand-three-hundred-and-forty-five times more than the sum of a slip-and-fall to the ground, a blade cutting through the skin, a bone crushing into powder and a knock right across the corner of the mouth that bloodied it:
He stopped loving me.
Just like that. Just this one reason was already more than enough to explain why he had been ignoring my texts, why he never picked up the phone, why he didn't look me in the eye anymore, why he couldn't say he loved me too, why he stopped smiling, why he no longer cared. With just this single reason, I completely broke down.
The reason torn me into pieces, let alone swirl in the middle of the air, with each piece of me floating elsewhere like a lost soul, or some would prefer to call them wander ghosts, then fell apart to the ground, which eventually been stepped on while people were all pacing toward each of their destination - God knows where they were headed.
I came to conclusion that humans, by means of people of all kinds: blind, deaf, pretty, ugly, disabled, talented, ignorant, young, old, homosexual, ordinary - eventually leave one another when they stopped loving. They leave because they stop caring. They stop caring because they stop loving.
When I was young, I never agreed on love would fade.
"What the f***... true love never fades," I'd thought.
"Love always stays, even if passion is no longer," I'd thought.
"What's fading is your faith in love, not love itself," I'd thought.
Now, I can be absolutely sure that Love is a b**** who does fade away. It fades when time goes by. It fades when you don't pay enough attention. It fades when hatred grows. It fades when virtue is no longer contained. What doesn't fade isn't love itself, because it is, love fades. What doesn't fade is the expectations and fantasies of love. Yes, I do mean that the ones who fantasize about love will never leave.
"It will only screw the whole thing up if expectations/fantasies don't meet reality," I'd thought.
"Imagination is abstract, it cannot last once reality intrudes," I'd thought.
"Thinking about something that's never going to happen will only damage everything," I'd thought.
But I've found out now, that fantasies are the only thing that can forever last, even if it never meets reality. That's the whole point. Not meeting the reality is what keeps people staying, because the results are always unexpected, unpredictable. Creativity is the new form of love. Fantasies are what we need in a relationship. Both parties fantasize about love, about making it big, then practice their ideas in reality, even if it isn't as it has been expected, it will still be a blissful surprise. This is what keeps people together - not just lovers, but also friends, family, colleagues, mates - everyone.
Now that I've found my own way, my thoughts have something to say.
"I won't ever be the one who leaves,"
"Now I know what I'm pacing towards,"
"Love does stop and fade away, but there's one thing that doesn't."