Diary Within a Person

March 19, 2012
By Nightlyowl SILVER, East Brunswick, New Jersey
Nightlyowl SILVER, East Brunswick, New Jersey
7 articles 9 photos 1 comment

When we met it was some time after Christmas, I was in eighth grade and he was in tenth. We had spoken a few times before that year, but not very often. You see I thought he was stuck up at first, until I later learned that he was just shy and awkward around new people. We spent the whole year goofing off and talking about school and classes and people and just having a grand old time in each other’s company. It wasn’t long before I gave him the pet name of Dollie. I liked him a lot; he listened to my random questions and actually answered them honestly not to mention he made me laugh easily with his sarcastic humor and his playful nature. We both started opening up to each other that year but we didn’t get real close until that summer. But during that short period of time, he learned fast what we called “Chrissy Logic”, and he was able to understand my twisted trains of thoughts as if they were being perfectly spoken of. That summer, Dollie got me into this video game called Vindictus, and after we finished some quests we’d always sit around a camp fire and talk about things. We bonded a lot over killing each other and then sitting around talking. It was easier to open up I guess in the video game, that way it wasn’t your problem it was the character you played’s problem.

That summer was hot, and as I worked with my father I’d get into fights with him a lot more than normal. It didn’t help that I was a know-it-all teenager who believed that anything and everything I did was right. I felt myself drifting farther away from my family and friends and just isolating myself more and more in general. As a teenager I believed that I had to be strong and do things on my own, that meant battling my own inner demons and staying silent about anything that was bothering me. That summer as I got closer to Dollie the rest of the world around me seemed to be falling apart. I felt solace in talking to him, letting his carefree and loveable nature surround me until I forgot all about the issues I was facing at home and in my social life and with myself.

When school started up again I remained as smiley and cheerful as I always had while I continuously battled with issues that I felt I couldn’t tell anyone about. That summer I had been busy working and doing things like field hockey that I spent no time with any of my other friends and when school started up again, I could feel that distance that was now between us. There were new ties between friends that hadn’t been there or hadn’t been that strong the year before and I felt like an outsider around the people I was supposed to feel the most comfortable around. But through all this I was determined to stay the happy person everyone knew and Dollie seemed to enjoy, and that’s what I did around others who also seemed to enjoy my happy self. During the school year I met four of Dollie’s closest friends who I gave pet names to. I played with them just as I played with Dollie on Vindictus and I was able to remain happy as long as I stayed with Dollie and his friends. It made sense that if I was feeling down during school or around my friends I could bring him up and make myself happy again. I talked about him a lot and it did the exact opposite of what I had hoped it would do; instead of giving us something to talk about it gave us a subject to avoid. None of my other friends wanted to hear anything about him, they refused to hear anything or talk about anything that had to do with him and I was inadvertently shoved into silence.

Throughout all of those issues with the fighting between me and my folks, and the distance between my friends, and my continuous silence, my inner demons kept growing. All of my problems kept growing and festering inside until my whole cheerful mood would crash and burn and I’d be stuck locking myself in my room to deal with my problems on my own. Pain only kept the numbness and everything else at bay for so long before I’d have to deal with it all again. One day though I couldn’t take the depression I would fall into and told Dollie, I had already told him many things I had never told anyone else and he had always accepted them without a problem. It gave me the courage to tell him that too.

But the depression was something I had never told anyone before and never wanted to even admit it to myself. When I tried to tell my friends, they’d treat me differently, they would avoid me whenever I fell into the depression as if it was contagious and they could catch it. Dollie never did that, he’d go out of his way to talk to me, to allow me to rant, and with gentle nudges he got me to spill my guts anytime something bothered me. He wasn’t all in my face about it either, he would let me change the subject and he’d go along with the subject change as if we had always been on that topic, he would back off when I started getting nervous or defensive and this made me realize just how much I trusted him. When I finally told him about my dark moods I’d fall into, he didn’t act like I was sick or mental, he treated me just as he always had, like his little squishy friend that he played games with and enjoyed the company of. He taught me that I didn’t have to go through life on my own, he showed me that I’d always have him to have my back and make sure I didn’t do anything I would regret later. And likewise, he knew that I’d have his back whenever he needed me.

The two of us constantly made each other smile and laugh and it was always so easy to hang around him. One day we could get all personal and the next it was as if we had never said anything that could and would change any other relationship. He has made a lifelong impression on me. He showed me that not all people are the same and not all people will turn their backs on you when you need them. Our relationship is one that I still treasure especially now that I have someone to always turn to and someone who I can trust with my deepest secrets. I have been happier than I ever have been and nothing seems to have a lasting effect on me as long as I can share it with him when the day is done.

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