hate.

February 3, 2011
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I don’t hate you. But I hate everything you’ve done to me. You lied to me, played with my emotions, and used me. I don’t like being serious all the time, but you took nothing I said seriously. I told you how I felt. Was that not enough? Or were you completely repulsed by me? I want an answer, but how do I know you just won’t be lying to me again? You were my best friends. Four years. We shared everything, and I told you things I thought even God didn’t know. But now I ask myself, did you just take it all for granted? Did you not consider me as a person? Sure, all this time I’ve held back my tears, choked on my words, forgotten the thoughts that could make our relationship even slightly awkward, but I was being a thespian. I was playing a role. I was being the ‘best friend’, when really, I was in love. With you. I lied constantly. I claimed to crush on your best guy friend. I laughed to myself that you really bought it, as I talked to God about how lucky I was to have you in my life, even as a friend. Two years later, I finally get the courage to tell you how I’ve felt, these past years. Sure, i may have had a crush, here and there, but I’ve always wanted you. You tell me ‘not now, I’m not looking for anyone.’ I understand, completely, and take it positively, with hope that one day our chance will be. Two days later, two days it took. You ask me who you should date, and you give me two options. One of them isn’t me. I choke back the tears, and say ‘Who ever you like best.’
Who was wrong In this? was it me, for holding a secret and feeding you lies because I was to embarrassed? Or was it you, the boy who I dedicated my past three years, to find that you were a waste. I hope she, your decision, treats you like an elderly wife would treat her sick and dying husband. I hope she gives you everything you want and love, and expects nothing in return. Because although I am broken because of you, you’re still my best friend.





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