Without A Word

September 20, 2010
By Anonymous

It was a mistake. Completely my fault, but only small. Or so I thought. I never knew how much of an impact my decision would have or how much I would hurt the one person who had always meant so much to me.

After a few years of friendships and rocky relationships, things were finally going strong for us. They were finally good for us – until I screwed up. It was the beginning again with us, Phalen and Cierra were back. We had just started talking again after a month of fights and anger.

I had a few people to my house on a Friday night. There were six of us, just one other girl besides me. Only bad things can come from that combination when alcohol is involved, and oh, it was. It got later, and we got drunker.

I was upstairs, alone, waiting for the bathroom, when one of the guys came up to me and kissed me. No thoughts were going through my mind when I kissed him back. I wasn't doing anything wrong. No one knew; it was our little secret.

Until Phalen found out. I was the one who let it slip, and a disaster ensued. There was an awkward silence that lasted for what felt like hours, and then finally, he got up and without a word, he left. Left my house, and left me.

I had felt heartbreak before, once, but never could I have imagined the pain I felt from losing him. I went upstairs to my room, with not a word to anyone, and collapsed in tears on my bed. Something came over me that night, a familiar friend to some but not to me. I wouldn't go so far as to call it depression, but it was close. A hurt that couldn't be washed away with chocolate ice cream and sappy movies. It followed me around in the weeks to come, and took over when I saw him in the hall at school.

It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, the less he cared – and the harder it got to ignore the pain. All I wanted was for it to go away and for him to come back to me, forgive me and start over. But that only happened in my dreams. I started to wish that I could stay asleep forever, never having to wake up to the affliction my body felt.

It was no longer just my heart that hurt, it had spread to every part of my body. My head ached, tension knotted my back, and my stomach cramped just at the thought of him. I had never felt this kind of agony before, but knowing it was completely my fault, hurt me more. I felt such remorse but he wouldn't let me tell him how I felt.

He had given me strength and courage. Without him, I didn't think I could be that person, and I sank farther away from him and closer to my new-found friend. Lucky for me though, I realized this soon enough to get away from the pain. I started to ignore that little friend who liked to sit on my shoulder and whisper in my ear, reminding me of the mistake I had made – and the person I had lost. I remembered who I was before him and I didn't need him to be me. I still had feelings for him, of course, but I was making myself forget.

It was easy – until I heard about his new girl. I didn't think it could be true. How could he be over me when I wasn't over him? The worst thought came to my mind: I had hurt him so badly that it was easy to forget me. My little friend reappeared on my shoulder but I wouldn't listen; I wasn't going back to that suffering. I took a new outlook on the situation and my life. From that moment on, I promised myself that I wouldn't waste precious time regretting things I could never change. I had made a mistake and I needed to come to terms with the fact that nothing I did would ever change that. Instead, I tried to think of his happiness, even if it hurt me.

I had fallen hard for this guy and had made a mistake by hurting him, never knowing what my consequences would be. But I felt them every day for months after. I dealt with the pain of losing him, hoping that one day I would get over him, and be able to say goodbye. I should have known that my wish was too much to ask but I was naive and I didn't want to hurt anymore.

Phalen was my everything, and when I lost him, I thought I had nothing. I loved him, with a love I will never fully forget. But what I want to forget, I can't – the night he got up off my couch, without a word, and left my house, left me, forever.

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