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Now I Know

By , Littleton, CO
Part one
I stare at the screen, my expression one of shock. I didn't know things would turn out this way. "We're done" I admit, I was at fault in this argument, but...I didn't want this to be it. To be over. No more giggle-texting him. No more sweet compliments. No more gushing to my friends. My cousin pokes my shoulder, demanding to know what happened. I tell her. She's silent and grabs her phone to tell him what she thinks. "Are you ok?" my cousins ask. I take a deep breath, and turn to them. "yes. I'm fine." They look at me still, disbelieving. I muster up a small smile that I'm sure didn't reach my eyes. It seems to satisfy for the moment. I'm sure questioning will come up sometime. I've learned to cover up my bad emotions that are negative in anyway in front of people. That doesn't mean I'm not being torn apart inside. I want to cry, but I don't want to be a drama queen. I am a strong young woman, and I must prove it. But the tear in my heart must have been audible...but there was still hope right?
Part two
My heart skipped a beat when he replied to me. That's a start. He's talking to me. I apologize, I tell him I would understand if he doesn't want to talk to me after this. And now I'll leave him alone. He asks me why, and I think for just a second he might want me to. But the second those hopes shoot up I use all my strength and push them back down. No need to tear my heart up some more. There wasn't even much left at the moment. I tell him I will only leave him alone if he wants. I wait, the anticipation, the anxiety high. The minute or so it takes him to reply is agonizing, and I wonder what will be the next step. His message pops up. I practically bounce in my seat anxious to see what he says. Then my heart and stomach drops. "I don't care." Three little words. That's all it took to crush me. I thought he was different...but he is. This time, it's my fault. But I tried, and he still doesn't want me anymore. What's done is done I guess. At least now I know there's nothing else I can do. And how he really feels isn't a mystery anymore.
Part three
I have officially realized I an not over you. Not even close. I may have everyone else convinced, but not myself. Because every time a find a reason I could get over you and move on, I remember why I held on in the first place.





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