I look out my window and see trees and darkness. It's windy tonight and the old swings in the backyard sway slowly and in sync. They've been abandoned. My eyes drift upward, to the moon. It looks lonely tonight, alone in a darkened sky. And suddenly I feel at ease. At least I'm not the only lonely one tonight. I laugh a little. I have officially gone mad, laughing to myself at 3 in the morning, kneeling on my bed with that stupid orange shoe box staring at me from across the room. A shoe box so warn that the white Nike symbol looks like it's been scratched off. I know I shouldn't look in the box. Not again; not after last time. No, I'm going to be strong now- maybe I'll try sleeping again. I know it won't happen though. I hear a thump and I practically jump out of my skin, then realize it was probably my cat in the shower again knocking shampoo bottles over, entertaining herself. My heart starts racing, I'm on edge, and so tired that between yawns i close my eyes and at least think about sleeping. It was only a week ago, I think. A week since it all came crumbling or in a more dramatic and accurate word: crashing down. Three years and all I have to show for it is that stupid orange box. A box full of memories, full of love. False love. I want to throw it out but I know that I won't. The thought of this makes me feel sick inside. I feel my stomach hollow and the rest of my body follows. I feel empty, torn, drained. I feel tricked- beaten in a game I did not agree to. My eyes drift to the door and i decide water would be nice as my throat has begun to dry. I stumble out of bed to the door and as my bare feet hit the cold wood I realize I wish I hadn't gotten up. Before I open the door I look in the mirror. It's dark in my room but not dark enough. My face is stained and worn, ugly. I realize my pajamas are on backward. I am too tired to care and I glance back at my reflection before finally opening the door. I get a glass of water and head back to my room. As i walk in i pass the orange shoe box. I unwillingly force myself to open it. Tears flood my eyes again and i shudder, and blink trying to make them subside. There's that picture, we look so happy. And in love. I pick up the picture and flip it over, the date is on it and under it in small letters I read, "Forever, I promise". It feels like the first time I'm reading it, although I have read it so many times before. Forever, I guess it would have been. If you loved me enough not to cheat. Forever, and I believed you.
Forever and For Always
April 9, 2010