There you go, arguing with me again, saying I’m always getting in the middle when I am the middle, you guys put me here. We were a family. But, you guys got divorced when I was two. I used to be afraid of mommy, her always yelling at me, or so I thought at the time. But I realize now she was just trying to protect me and I’ve become closer to her, now that I’ve become your next object of aggression. You don’t beat or shun me, but you abuse me emotionally, especially when I need you most. I stand here and think of how much you’ve hurt me these past few years. Here I am, a 15-year-old girl with four diseases and not once have you cared. You always tell me, “Erin, I love you. I really want you to get better and I’ll do anything to achieve that.” But then my fragile sliver of hope shatters when you suddenly tell me, “Oh, well, the doctors haven’t been able to do anything, the medicines’ aren’t working, and your mom doesn’t really like me anymore, so, I give up.” I wanted to cry then but I couldn’t because you’d just ask, “Why are you crying? I wasn’t trying to offend you, I don’t understand.” Blah, blah, blah… yeah right. Why do you always do this? Why do you go and say you care when you’re the very one who puts me down? Why do you say such sweet things when you’re the very person who told me it was my fault you guys got divorced? Why? You say you care when you’ve never done anything! Mommy is always the one taking me to doctors’ appointments, getting me medicine, worrying about me while trying to give me hope when you just sit back, do nothing and just give up. We fight and fight and you wonder why. You always think you did nothing wrong and you cry because you feel you’re losing me, when I’m sitting here with asthma, arthritis, acid reflux, and eye problems wondering if I’ll ever get better. Did you even ask to know what my results were on my asthma test? Well, I’ll tell you. I had to sit in that room on my 13th birthday and listen to the doctor gasp at my results and say he’s never seen something like this before. Did you know that thousands, if not millions of children, who are tested for asthma come back negative but still have asthma minorly? Did you know that I had to breathe 60 rounds of medicine that induces asthma and most children take all 60 and feel fine but it took me three rounds- just three- to feel like I was literally going to die and I could have? Did you know that it hurts so much to just walk through my school just because I have arthritis and that my vision continually gets worse and that I can’t even eat breakfast early in the morning because I’ll get sick? No, you didn’t, because you don’t really care. You don’t even pay child support and when you did you complained. You deny it but I know that you like to have control and to put me down just like you did to mommy before. And yet, even though I’m hurt to the point where I break down in tears every day and my mom wants to keep me away from you, I still love you and I don’t want to hurt you by saying all of this. Did you know all this, dad?
Did You Know?
November 5, 2009