Hopelessly Addicted This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

Why is it that no matter how incredibly hard I try to point myself in the right direction, I end up exactly where I started? It’s like a never-ending cycle of failure. I sometimes wonder why I even bother to try if nothing ever comes from it. The last few years have been extremely chaotic and frustrating; from friends ­dying, to my coke addiction, to running away, life has taken a huge toll on me. I have had nothing but horrible events, one after another. But my biggest struggle has been my addiction; it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.

I realize that many people think the life of an ­addict is easy – we just sit around all day getting money off of people and scoring a high. Do you ­really think it’s all fun and games? Or that we want our addictions to run our lives? My addiction, anyway, was ­anything but easy.

The days were long and endless when I couldn’t buy coke. I would spend between $40 and $100 a day, just on me. My weekly debt was only $60 when I first started. I was not ­using that much back then, but that changed when my boyfriend broke up with me. Then my dealer, who happened to be my best friend, started giving me coke for free.

Soon I couldn’t go a day without it. The white powder lifted into my nasal passages with ease. I took line after line into my body, hoping I could block everything out of my mind. My mind quickly relaxed, my heart raced, and my hands shook, but everything was good. I was happy – for the 10 ­minutes the high lasted. Then I’d do another line. Eventually my friend cut me off and tried to talk me into getting help, so I cut him out of my life.

With no coke in my system, I became angry, an­grier than I had ever been. My body shook for no reason. I was irritable and distant. I couldn’t think of anything but coke. I wanted it all to stop – to go back to the way things had been before I started. I wanted my life back. I didn’t want to have to sneak out of my house and score in alleys with money I stole from a sleeping homeless guy. My life was out of my control and I would have done anything to get it back, but my body wouldn’t let me. I was lost.

Just when things were starting to improve and I was finally getting my life under control, I ran away. I met lots of new people who quickly ­became friends; they were either runaways or dropouts pushing 30, but they were all addicts. Our apartment had one bedroom with nine people in it. They took care of me. They fed me, bought me clothes, a toothbrush, and whatever I needed, as well as kept me safe and ­hidden from the cops.

Then one day I overdosed. It was like any other night at the apartment. A bunch of us decided we wanted to party somewhere else. One of my friends offered his mom’s house since she was out of town. We all hopped into cars, and on the way we stopped to buy some coke.

When we arrived the house was dark and music was blasting in the living room. I headed straight for the bathroom to get high. Everyone was dancing and drinking and laughing and having fun. That’s when I made more bad decisions. A friend took a “donation” from everyone and showed up an hour later with ­ecstasy pills. I took two.

I started to feel faint and collapsed. My friends carried me to a bedroom and put me on the bed. ­After I convinced them that I was okay, a friend helped me up and made me promise not to do any more drugs.

I promised, of course, but seven lines of coke later I was stumbling down the hall, falling every few feet. I ended up hot and shaking on the bathroom tile with four “friends” gathered around me while the others waited nervously outside. My entire body shook ­uncontrollably, and I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt as if I were suffocating and had no ­control over my body. The feeling was almost indescribable; an overdose is one of the worst feelings ever. I was scared. I was trying hard to keep my eyes open but couldn’t. My friends took turns pouring water on me to cool me down while the others tried to keep me awake.

Even after that I still didn’t stop using for another three weeks. And even though I was able to stop ­before I ruined my life completely, I still wake up in the middle of the night craving coke, almost ­tasting the drip in the back of my throat.

I ask myself every day how I let myself get ad­dicted. Truth be told, no answer ever seems reason enough. Yet here I am, a year and a half sober. Drugs are the biggest demon any person can face. Once this demon is in your life, it’s hard to break free. It takes control of you, of your life, and pulls you down before you realize what is happening.

Escaping is an ongoing battle I’ll face every day for the rest of my life. I made the choice to quit on my own, without rehab or counseling. I relied only on my family, my closest friends, and myself. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Long, sleepless nights, mood swings, huge fits over nothing – I was on an emotional roller coaster and was a complete wreck. I know that those who were there for me had an equally troublesome time.

Though I am now a recovered addict, if I could make the choice over, I would have asked for help. Being with someone who had experienced with what I was going through would have been a relief and therapeutic. I was hesitant about completing this ­article; this private part of my life will be out there for anyone to read. It scared me. I then thought, Would I have felt so alone then if I knew what ­someone else had gone through?

I no longer feel the need to turn to this demon in my times of pain and confusion. However, I often ­reflect on that time in my life.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.

Join the Discussion

This article has 134 comments. Post your own now!

MayiaLynn,<3 said...
Dec. 18, 2009 at 10:24 am
amzing. your very stong, you were able to quit on of the most addicting drugs. & you put it out there to help people whoo have had the thoughts, or are trying to find a solution. great jobb.
ManekiNeko said...
Dec. 3, 2009 at 8:00 pm
it's touching. i know my entusiastic response may seem shallow frow over the net but believe me when i say that i can feel the emotions streaming from your article. it was wonderfully writen and personal. that takes skill and guts.
HannahM This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 3, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Praying for you.
Rain-Bow said...
Dec. 3, 2009 at 4:46 pm
This is a really good article. The words. The way you described it. I felt like i was you. You are a good writer. Keep it up. I hope that your much better. <3 This will help someone else. It will create an impact on the world...
sasssgirrrl22 said...
Nov. 11, 2009 at 6:54 pm
i really liked this article. Best of luck 2 ya alwayz. It took guts 2 write bout this important part of ur life.
rawr5 said...
Nov. 11, 2009 at 4:21 pm
wow this is really inspiring to anyone who is involved with drugs,
i hope your ok now
pheasant said...
Nov. 11, 2009 at 1:46 pm
its good that u quit
Ryan N. said...
Nov. 11, 2009 at 1:29 pm
ita great that u quit and it takes courage to write about it best of luck to u
Corynn H. said...
Nov. 11, 2009 at 1:26 pm
I really liked this article. I'm really glad that you were able to quit on your own..that's great! Keep up the good work :)
AmnyR said...
Nov. 11, 2009 at 7:37 am
good job, you're a stronger person than many, not just for overcoming it, but for putting this article out there. maybe someone will read it and have hope for their own recovery, or someone will stop before they start because of your article. god bless you
3Oh!3 replied...
Jan. 16, 2010 at 5:03 pm
this was really good
Meron S. said...
Nov. 8, 2009 at 11:00 pm
AMEN i agree with you completly
This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 20, 2009 at 10:27 am
Thank goodness you're not addicted anymore! You must be a very strong person to be able to stop all on your own. Stay sober and good luck to you!
poemgirl55 said...
Sept. 28, 2009 at 2:54 pm
That was incredible! And so sad...I am so sorry for you that you had to go through that. But you are so strong to decide to stop. That must be so hard. Anyway, I loved the writing and hope that your life will be a lot better!
Keep being sober and good luck!
scoobydoo said...
Sept. 28, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Praise God you are free from that. I am proud of you! "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." Jesus  changed MY life. I discovered that He was the only way! He loves you more than you could ever imagine.
Aubrey C. said...
Sept. 28, 2009 at 8:16 am
I l0ve reading about stuff like this..it's truly a good topic! good job, your a fantastic writer. Keep up the good work & stay sober!
Annabelle7614 said...
Aug. 15, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Lol at first I thought you were talking about the soda and I was like "her best friend was a soda dealer?" This is a very good story and it inspires all who read it. Keep writing and being sober!
Jillian F. replied...
Nov. 5, 2010 at 9:53 am
Umm, that would make no sense whatsoever.   I did not think it was soda, but it would be an interesting story if it was.
Emily M. said...
Jul. 25, 2009 at 6:56 pm
wow...just wow...that experence had to make u so strong...wow this made me stop and relize how lucky i am...im sorry u had to go thru that...ur a great writer...
practicerandomkindness said...
Jul. 14, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Fantastic article. you have helped and will help so many people by writing this. thanks.
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