Hopelessly Addicted This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

Why is it that no matter how incredibly hard I try to point myself in the right direction, I end up exactly where I started? It’s like a never-ending cycle of failure. I sometimes wonder why I even bother to try if nothing ever comes from it. The last few years have been extremely chaotic and frustrating; from friends ­dying, to my coke addiction, to running away, life has taken a huge toll on me. I have had nothing but horrible events, one after another. But my biggest struggle has been my addiction; it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.

I realize that many people think the life of an ­addict is easy – we just sit around all day getting money off of people and scoring a high. Do you ­really think it’s all fun and games? Or that we want our addictions to run our lives? My addiction, anyway, was ­anything but easy.

The days were long and endless when I couldn’t buy coke. I would spend between $40 and $100 a day, just on me. My weekly debt was only $60 when I first started. I was not ­using that much back then, but that changed when my boyfriend broke up with me. Then my dealer, who happened to be my best friend, started giving me coke for free.

Soon I couldn’t go a day without it. The white powder lifted into my nasal passages with ease. I took line after line into my body, hoping I could block everything out of my mind. My mind quickly relaxed, my heart raced, and my hands shook, but everything was good. I was happy – for the 10 ­minutes the high lasted. Then I’d do another line. Eventually my friend cut me off and tried to talk me into getting help, so I cut him out of my life.

With no coke in my system, I became angry, an­grier than I had ever been. My body shook for no reason. I was irritable and distant. I couldn’t think of anything but coke. I wanted it all to stop – to go back to the way things had been before I started. I wanted my life back. I didn’t want to have to sneak out of my house and score in alleys with money I stole from a sleeping homeless guy. My life was out of my control and I would have done anything to get it back, but my body wouldn’t let me. I was lost.

Just when things were starting to improve and I was finally getting my life under control, I ran away. I met lots of new people who quickly ­became friends; they were either runaways or dropouts pushing 30, but they were all addicts. Our apartment had one bedroom with nine people in it. They took care of me. They fed me, bought me clothes, a toothbrush, and whatever I needed, as well as kept me safe and ­hidden from the cops.

Then one day I overdosed. It was like any other night at the apartment. A bunch of us decided we wanted to party somewhere else. One of my friends offered his mom’s house since she was out of town. We all hopped into cars, and on the way we stopped to buy some coke.

When we arrived the house was dark and music was blasting in the living room. I headed straight for the bathroom to get high. Everyone was dancing and drinking and laughing and having fun. That’s when I made more bad decisions. A friend took a “donation” from everyone and showed up an hour later with ­ecstasy pills. I took two.

I started to feel faint and collapsed. My friends carried me to a bedroom and put me on the bed. ­After I convinced them that I was okay, a friend helped me up and made me promise not to do any more drugs.

I promised, of course, but seven lines of coke later I was stumbling down the hall, falling every few feet. I ended up hot and shaking on the bathroom tile with four “friends” gathered around me while the others waited nervously outside. My entire body shook ­uncontrollably, and I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt as if I were suffocating and had no ­control over my body. The feeling was almost indescribable; an overdose is one of the worst feelings ever. I was scared. I was trying hard to keep my eyes open but couldn’t. My friends took turns pouring water on me to cool me down while the others tried to keep me awake.

Even after that I still didn’t stop using for another three weeks. And even though I was able to stop ­before I ruined my life completely, I still wake up in the middle of the night craving coke, almost ­tasting the drip in the back of my throat.

I ask myself every day how I let myself get ad­dicted. Truth be told, no answer ever seems reason enough. Yet here I am, a year and a half sober. Drugs are the biggest demon any person can face. Once this demon is in your life, it’s hard to break free. It takes control of you, of your life, and pulls you down before you realize what is happening.

Escaping is an ongoing battle I’ll face every day for the rest of my life. I made the choice to quit on my own, without rehab or counseling. I relied only on my family, my closest friends, and myself. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Long, sleepless nights, mood swings, huge fits over nothing – I was on an emotional roller coaster and was a complete wreck. I know that those who were there for me had an equally troublesome time.

Though I am now a recovered addict, if I could make the choice over, I would have asked for help. Being with someone who had experienced with what I was going through would have been a relief and therapeutic. I was hesitant about completing this ­article; this private part of my life will be out there for anyone to read. It scared me. I then thought, Would I have felt so alone then if I knew what ­someone else had gone through?

I no longer feel the need to turn to this demon in my times of pain and confusion. However, I often ­reflect on that time in my life.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.

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This article has 134 comments. Post your own now!

angelmfknrose said...
Mar. 10, 2011 at 12:22 pm
Crazy, story of my life, i went through the same thing and have been a year and four months sober. Its hard but you can get through it it just takes strength. I allowed to let my byfriend beat me and treat me disgustingly because of the drugs i havent been sober since i was fourteen and in this last year ive learned so much about myself and learned who i reallly am, sober. Keep it up girl
Sweetestbitch said...
Feb. 16, 2011 at 3:47 pm
Hellllo, im really bored right now so i read this haa; it wusz pretty good (:
G@PE HORN said...
Feb. 16, 2011 at 7:32 am
i used to shoot up with my friends, it was a poor time in my life.  but this coke story isn't really impressive.  its just about irresponsibility.  if you wanna write, take some lessons to impress some readers.
speedy295 replied...
Mar. 10, 2011 at 7:17 am
really? im wondering how you can say something so rude. shooting up is nothing compared to overdosing on coke. dont be a jerk.
purplelessskin replied...
Jun. 6, 2011 at 1:32 am
Actually you are the only one who isn't impressed. Everyone else thinks the story was amazing. It's horrible of you to be so negative to someone who went through this because they obviously deserve support.
.iloveyou. said...
Jan. 27, 2011 at 1:48 pm
I've been six months sober and struggling. Coke was my drug of choice and reading this has helped quite a bit. I read this and felt you. I know what its like to be so scared for your life but can't stop using. Having someone there that understand really does help, even if its just a beautiful piece of writing.
Medina D. said...
Jan. 26, 2011 at 4:41 pm
Hello. I know this must've been extremely hard to write (if i wrote a true story like this, my hands would've been shaking!!) so thanks for posting this and for your HUGE honesty, like i said, it must not have been easy. And yeah, people are reading............and they're understanding.........and they're moved (or at least i am!!) So just by posting this article your showing young peeps like me the harsh reality of drugs and maybe you'll even change lives too. The more people who read this arti... (more »)
MaskedCellist This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 26, 2011 at 12:14 am
I've never been on drugs, or alchohal, but I understand the difficulty of stopping an addiction. It's definitely nice to know you're not the only who's had problems quitting troublesome habits.
Jakethesnake said...
Jan. 25, 2011 at 10:08 pm

Through all your hardships and difficulties in life, you have proven at least one thing- no matter what it is, with the right amount of determination, anything is possible.

Hats of to you, my lady.

Keli123 said...
Jan. 25, 2011 at 8:02 pm
wow this is a great article. thanks for posting. btw im sorry u went through that it sounds really scary but a think we all have to go through some kind of superbad experience when were young. i've faced what i believe to be mine already.  anyway thats great that you were so strong when it came to quitting and im happy that you're okay now :)
Supergirl101 said...
Jan. 3, 2011 at 6:29 pm
Hi. This is my first time up here and my first article read. This is my first time ever really looking into the life of a drug addict and I'm amazed. You told like it is not suger coating anything. So thanks. I've never done drugs and don't ever plan to either.
Curly_Sue replied...
Jan. 26, 2011 at 4:04 pm
Wow. I cannot convay to you how unbelievably brave I think this was. To come and and just tell it how it is-no sugar coating attached-was amazing. Congradualtions for getting past it and i pray you never go back. Good luck and God bless.
TheContentedWanderer94 said...
Jan. 3, 2011 at 11:27 am
Wow! I never realized the feelings addicts go thru to recover. I've never tried any drugs and your story makes me not want to ever try them. Keep Writing! and I hope you are doing okay!
1234567890 said...
Nov. 29, 2010 at 7:42 am
hi u guys this is sooo sad and i am soooo glad u got thru such a terible time
ErisRose said...
Oct. 29, 2010 at 8:52 pm
thank you so much for sharing something so personal. it is amazing that you have come this far after your addiction... This is an amazing story!
gape Horn said...
Oct. 29, 2010 at 4:20 pm
this was an amazing piece of writing It really got me thinking that any of us in this world could be sucked in by an addiction
its_just_me said...
Sept. 15, 2010 at 5:05 pm
I have a friend that had an overdose and it took him three months to finally realize that he should quit. He did it for his baby girl, but is still having a hard time. Your story tells everything from getting addicted, the emotions you feel, to quitting. Very good job!
MattsGurl said...
Sept. 15, 2010 at 2:45 pm
I loved it. its really great i used to have friends addicted to things like that and i tried to make them stop.....died
FreemanCloe said...
Sept. 15, 2010 at 1:27 pm

I have a friend who is currently an addicted to tripple c's and weed and alcohol and loves doing them all together. he is a complete wreck he will try anything to get a high. we will be in a drug store and he will just steal a bottle of whatever pills and take them all and then trip. it scares me but i don't think i can help him. Even though i don't know how you felt exactly i know that it is a rough time. It's very cool that you were able to express yourself on here to help others. Thanks.&n... (more »)

BrokenInnocence said...
Sept. 15, 2010 at 10:21 am
This is good im sure it took some sort of strength to write this an for that I applaud you.
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