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The Unconventional Bully

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When addressed with the subject of bullying, my first thought was "I've never been bullied." The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized that was not true. My first assessment was wrong because I had been thinking of the stereotypical "give me your lunch money" type of bully. Mine, however, was more unconventional, not the first you would think of when talking about bullies. Mine was more subtle. She would sneak in at my weakest moments and thread doubts into my every thought. She would tell me I wasn't good enough, that I would never be as good as everyone else. She would tell me being shy was a flaw, one that made me crazy. Everywhere I went, she was always there to tear me down.

All through high school she belittled me for not having a boyfriend, for not having a date for the prom or homecoming. I have always told myself I didn't care, but she was very persistent. Every day she would tell me nobody liked me because I was some kind of freak who didn't talk. She would tell me it was my fault all the guys seemed to avoid me like the plague. For many years I listened to her. I listened to her tell me I was weird, a loser, ugly, unworthy of being asked out on a date. My self-esteem was plummeting, headed straight for rock bottom.

After I graduated, I got a summer job, and was, for once, proud of myself. Then one day a delivery man made a comment that went a little like, "oh, so you're the shy one, you'll never make it in the world like that." I know he didn't mean anything by it, and wasn't aware of how it would affect me, but my bully knew. She took that one little sentence and tormented me with it day after day. She told me even a stranger knew I wasn't good enough for this world. I believed her. But that was before.

My whole perspective of myself changed one fateful day when I decided to stand up to my bully. I told her I didn't care what she thought, I was good enough for this world. I was going to make it in this life. I was not ugly. I was not a loser. I was not a freak. I informed her that being shy was not a flaw that was going to bring me down, it was a character trait that would make me strong. I didn't need a boyfriend to get through life, it didn't matter if anyone liked me or not. I liked me and that's all that mattered.

Fighting off my bully was one of the hardest things I've done because she is always present in my mind, day and night. She knows every time I am told I will not succeed in life. She knows every time someone dismisses me because I'm shy. She knows my greatest doubts, my worst fears. She knows when I'm at my weakest and what will make me break. You see, my biggest bully is me.

Some may say my bully is not real. They may say I don't know what it's like to really be bullied and, in a sense, it is true. I don't know what it's like to be bullied by an outside person. I do, however, believe that a person can be their own bully. Sometimes your harshest judge is yourself.




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TheBlackCrow901This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
today at 6:31 pm:
So true. Love it
 
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