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I sit on my knees, with closed eyes. I'm prayin to a statue of the Upper Worlds Ruler. I hear the echo of footsteps behind me. I look behind me to see the God of Faith walking towards me, her shoes click against the marble of the floors.
“Love you’re here again. I heard you were talking to the God of Hope and Religion earlier.”
“Yes, I was talking to them.”
“Yes you’re very faithful. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who prays as much as you.What do you pray about?”
“Forgiveness.” I whisper.
“What?” Good she didn't hear me.
“Oh, it’s nothing.” I shake my head. “I have to go home.” I avoid her and quickly make my way home to my kingdom.
When I get there, I go to my favorite spot. I sit on a swing and it slowly swings back and forth. It’s covered in flowers on the sides.
Why do I pray? It’s such a simple question but the answer is a long story that I rather not remember. Why couldn’t they take my memories, why do I need to suffer?
These are the questions that can never be answered. Ugh, I got to stop thinking about it or my poisons touch is going to come back. I’m going to go to the Middle World to clear my mind.
I arrive in the Middle World and just walk. I pass by happy couples the laugh and hold hands. I smile as the wind wraps around me. I hold out my left hand and petals raise in the air and float around the people. They don’t know it’s me but that’s okay. Though this peace doesn’t last long as I see a couple that bicker and yell at each other. Right or left hand or both.
Definitely not both but right or left I don’t know. I don’t like using my right hand but it’s the only way.
I go up to the couple and touch them with my right hand on their shoulders. Their voices rise and I back up.
“You know what Jessica I’m done with you.” The man says.
“And so am I. It’s over.” She says walking away.
I hate my right hand.
I walk away and sit on a bench that hangs from ropes. I hate rope too. I grip the rope and shiver at the texture. Yep I still hate rope.
I laugh as the drugs are passed around and liquor is spilled. Covering the floor. We lunge on the couches in the private place of the barn.
“Hey baby.” My friend yells at a guy that hollers back to her to follow him. We push her forward. Laughing as she follows him.
“Sin you have five minutes.”
“Okay sweetie.” I hollar.
I love my job. I get to be mostly naked, to dance, hit on people, and get payed for it.
“Hello boys let’s sin together tonight.” I say stepping on a stage that I know all too well.
When my set finishes, I lay out on the couch.
“Hey Babe.” I hear behind me. I lay my head on the armrest of the couch to see my boyfriend and the owner of this night club. I raise my hands up to wrap it around the back of his neck.
“How was your set?”
“You saw it but I made them drool.”
“You’re going to make them all broke, then they can’t come back and bring you more money.”
“No.” I whine like a child. “You’re making me sad.”
“It’s okay.” I get on my knees on the couch and hug him.
This was my life six days a week every week for now two years. A constant circle of headaches, alcohol, drugs, money and lastly lust.
Was this a normal life? At first it seemed weird to put myself out like this but now I don’t know what I would do if I quit it right now. Nothing would feel right, easy…or….normal.
With my love life I don’t think I can identify the difference between love and lust with it. Am I happy? Am I content? Am I satisfied? I don’t know. Maybe I’m comfortable?
I hate thinking about these things. I always confuse myself even more. When I think about my life. I wish I could change my pace but where would I go? I do not know.
I wake up the next day to see the letter on my desk from my Mother that I forgot to open.
S, you must come home. Your sister is babbling about you and won’t leave me alone if I didn’t at least contact you.
I send her back a letter.
Mother, I’m surprised you even obeyed someone else commands. You must be getting weak over these years. Your mind nor body is what it used to be. I’ll come home this weekend. I think I need a change a pace for a bit. Though I would love to crush you when I’m there while I’m at it, like you always did to me.
Another one arrives in a week's time. They’re being fast.
S, as long as you come I don’t really care why. And if you want to crush me be prepared for a challenge. Remember the score is 2 and 2.
And my request has been expected but first I need to get medicine, my head hurts.
The only way home is by train. I never did like trains. Not ever since old Billy died on the tracks. Though he always did sleep walk we just never knew how bad it really was. Well, not till it was too late.
I’m not happy about going back though. I despise my mother for multiple things.
When we arrive at the town John looks around cursorily as he’s never been outside of his home town. I tell him where things are in the town and the town code. “Break a deadly sin or one of the commandments and you get hung.”
I barely get the code out as I’m hugged by a little girl.
“Sister I missed you dearly.” She says.
“Yep it’s me sister.” I look at her carefully. Her hair has been chopped so she only has an inch left.
“What did you do?” I ask putting my hand in her hair.
“I held a boy's hand and they cut my hair off.” Seeing my concerned face she smiles larger and grabs my hand. “Don’t worry that’s all they did. Come on the town is waiting they missed you.”
She drags me with John in tow.
“Who is he.” Lucy ask when we are a few feet away from John.
“Someone who could get my hung.” I say. “Honestly I don’t know what he is to me.”
“Well be careful the priest would hang you in a second if he heard you say that.”
“Yeah, I know.” I say softly.
We arrive at the town center where everyone waits. I throw out my right hand and yell to John. "Welcome to Loveless."
I get up from the bench and walk down the streets. I look at my right hand as the tip of my fingers turn dark red. I haven’t changed in a long time. If I change it will get real interesting. Wait, don’t think like that. Don’t ever think like that. Never again.