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I don't Miss him.
I miss you....
I told him this every night after out chat. Being miles away, chats could be the only way we could commute. But did "I miss you" really complete what I wanted to say?
I loved him, yes I did. I had no doubt. I wanted to grow old with him. I wanted to be with him, give myself completely to him, be completely his, forever till infinity, but fortunately or unfortunately for both or either of us, we couldn't meet. Not because we lived far away, but because we weren't allowed to. Why?
Well, complications. That will need another page.
Whatever I ever told him, I meant it, but did I mean when I said that I miss him?
Well..... No I didn't mean it.
Because I don't miss him.
"I miss him" would be and IS an understatement. We met when I was a kid, I don't even know what my age was then. I didn't even know him at first. I knew his sister, whom I have and still consider my own sister. Through her, I had met him, who is apparently 5 years elder to me! I was just a kid then. A class 7 student. Innocent and kind, blown away wherever the wind of my life took me. Now, get ready. To? Laugh as badly as possible. Ready?
I considered him a brother then....
To be as honest as possible, the only reason I would give for considering him as my brother was because I was a kid! And that's the only reason which has always got be escaped from his monotonous lectures!
After meeting him we became pretty close, which isn't like me now, but was, once upon a time. I didn't live in my native place. When I came to the foreign land I wasn't of, we chatted using social networking. Somehow, my parents came to know about it and they didn't like it and forbade me to talk to him.
But you considered him your brother!
Yeah, but understanding my parent's mind would take many more pages.
So, 4 years, I didn't talk to him. Yes, I was forbidden, and stayed so. But recently when I went to my native place, I couldn't control the ardent desire to talk to him anymore. I needed to tell him what exactly had happened.
And I did.
My cousin's account.
Next day, no reply.
2nd day , same, no reply....
Third day, morning was awesome! He replied!
And we chatted, exchanged numbers and then talked when we got time.
"Talked" is another understatement.
We fell in love again, not as siblings though, as two lovers.
But again, I had to come back to the foreign land. And all we could do was chat.
After what seems like end if the chat for us, we do say "I love you" to each other, meaning it completely.
And "I miss you" is just obligation. I don't mean it.
Because I think about him every second. And that's not called missing someone.
I think about him when I wake up, when I sleep, imagining to be keeping myself in his warm embrace, and having my dream sleep. I think about him when I am studying, imagining him to be guiding and lecturing me, whichever necessary. I think about him when I am sad, imagining him to bring in front of me and talking to him, which looks like me talking to the air, to others and them coming to a very literal solution that I am mad.
And I have to agree.
I am mad.
I always have wanted to tell him this. But I couldn't. Why? Even I don't know. I consider myself to be a straight forward person, but whenever I have to say something to people who are the most important to me, I can't say what I really want to. Why? Again, I don't know. The reason might have also been that I do think that whether he thinks the same? Whether he just misses me or the intensity for him is just like it is for me? And I don't get the courage to ask him that. Or if I will, I am sure to get another lecture from him.
But there is one thing I am terribly sure for one thing....
That I don't miss him.