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How do you love when you’ve lived a life where all you’ve ever known is pain, hatred and ignorance? How can you trust when everyone you know lets you down? How do you breathe when someone’s always in your face? How do you live when you can’t even look someone in the eye? The answer’s easy. You don’t. You don’t until that someone comes and sweeps you off of your feet. You don’t until your Superman comes, and catches you for the first time. But what if it isn’t your Super “man”? What if it’s your Wonder Woman? I’ll tell you what you do. Even better, I’ll tell you what I did.
I met her in my senior biology class. She was assigned my partner. No one dared to talk to me. Who’d blame them? Back then, I was shady. Short black hair, black baggy pants, black shirt, black everything. If anyone tried to talk to me, I’d push them away. I pushed everyone away. Getting close to someone just wasn’t in my agenda. In the past, everyone I did get close to left me, died, or killed themselves. I was convinced I was cursed, that there was no such thing as happiness for me. But boy, I was wrong.
I didn’t look up while she approached the seat beside me. She pulled out the stool and sat on it.
“Hi, I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Josie”.
I turned my head to look at the unfamiliar face. She was gorgeous. Her eyes were green, the brightest I’ve ever encountered. Her face was heart shaped, with full, plump lips. Her dark hair was long, curly; it ran down her back, over her perfectly molded hips. She was an angel without the wings.
“Devon. But I prefer Dev.”. I replied, stretching out my hand to shake hers.
She took it. Her hands were so soft.
“I like it. Dev. It’s different for a girl”.
“Well I’m different”.
At first we did do Biology. But things changed. After weeks passed, we didn’t do any work at all. We sat and talked instead. We talked about anything and everything. She didn’t have a girlfriend, her favorite food was pasta, and she loved sports. She was very open with her sexuality. I envied her. I could never do that alone, like her. I was falling for her. I didn’t even realize it until she invited me to her birthday party a month after I met her.
I spent hours getting ready. I even bought a colored shirt for her party. I wore black faded jeans and a white tank top. I was all nerves when I rang her door bell. It wasn’t the first time I’ve been to her house. She invited me over all the time for swimming. But I was still a bundle of nerves. She opened the door after a few seconds.
“Hey! I didn’t think you’d come”. She yelled over the music in the background.
“As long as you want me girl, I’m here”. I said, half smiling.
She blushed lightly, stepping aside to let me in. Drunk people were grinding, making out on the leather couches and drinking till they fell over. Yup. High school party.
“Do want a drink?” She offered, taking a swing at the beer in her hand.
“Do you have anything non-alcoholic?” I asked, remembering
the last time I got drunk. I shuddered.
“Not really”. She said. I sighed, Disappointed.
“Okay but only one”.
Five beers later we were lying in the grass, half naked. I didn’t like to drink in front of people because I always took off my clothes. Always my shirt. I have no idea why though.
“Joe! I want McDonalds”. I said, stumbling over to my car. She laughed and grabbed my hand, pulling me to the ground. She clearly wasn’t drunk. But then again, she was still on her first.
“You’re not allowed to drive drunk dork”. She said, sighing.
“Who says?” I asked, downing the rest of my drink.
“F*** the government. They can suck my d***”. I said, laughing.
“Well, I say you can’t too”.
“Okay. I’ll listen to you”. I replied smiling. She giggled.
“You’ll listen to me, but not the government?” She asked, raising her eyebrows.
“F*** the government. They can suck my d***”. I repeated. She laughed.
“Oh wow. Dev, you’re something else”. I got up again, and held out my hand.
“Come inside, I wanna dance”. I slurred. She bit her lip.
“I can’t dance”.
“Neither can I. Lets go humiliate ourselves together”. She looked uncertain.
“Come on Joe! A very beautiful girl once told me to live fast and to never pass up an opportunity”.
“That was me”. She said, blushing lightly.
“Exactly”. She smiled and grabbed my hand. I pulled her up and we went inside.
We danced the entire night away. Grinding, and swaying to the music. She could dance. She danced better then anyone I knew. Way better then me. The song that really stuck out was The Edge of Glory by Lady Gaga. She let go completely.
She switched it up, and started grinding me from the front. Her arms were around my neck, her face hiding in the crook of my neck. My hands were on her butt, pushing her pelvis into mine. I followed every movement her hips made. I wanted her closer. Lips to lips, palms to palms.
But I did nothing. I was afraid if I did that not only would I lose my only friend, I’d lose the girl I was falling in love with.
That night changed everything between us. We were getting closer. So close it was scaring me senseless. I didn’t know what to do. I was terrified. I was letting her see the real me. I couldn’t help it. She was different than everyone else. She made me feel like someone. Someone important.
Prom was getting closer, and closer. I wasn’t going to go. Neither was she.
She told me wherever I go, she goes.
It was three days before the big night. It was late, around midnight. We were lying outside in the grass. Her head was on my stomach. We were star gazing. One of my hands propped up my head while the other absently played with Josie’s hair. It was silent. I was enjoying her presence. And then she said something I’ll never ever forget. It didn't just make my day. It made my life.
“I wish you weren’t straight”. She said, sighing.
“What do you mean?” I asked, confused.
“I mean you’re the sweetest person ever. You’re funny, cute, and just absolutely amazing”. She sat up, facing me. She looked at me with regret.
“Joe…I… just…I”. I was lost for words. What do we do now?
“Dev, I’m sorry. I totally messed up our friendship with my crush. Please, understand? You’re all I’ve ever wanted in a girl. I’ve tried so hard to forget it. But I can’t. I can’t get you out of my head. Maybe we should take some time from each other so I can forget”. I shook my head.
Forget? No way.
“Maybe I don’t want you to forget me. Maybe I’ve wanted you since the day I met you. I didn’t tell you I was straight you assumed it. Everyone does”. I said, meeting her eyes. They bore into mine, setting my heart a fire.
“You’re… gay..? Why didn’t you tell me?” She asked. I looked away from her.
“I’m afraid. I’m very afraid. I’m afraid of what I’ve become and what I’ll be when people find out. I love you so much. I just don’t want to lose you. You’re the only thing I have”. She looked at me and smiled.
She crawled over to me and grabbed my chin, making me look at her.
“Dev… do you want to go to prom with me?” She asked.
I bit my lip ring.
“I-I don’t know”.
“Hey, when there’s an opportunity to do something once, never pass it up. Come with me. I’ll show you the best time ever. Let me, please.”
I was terrified of people finding out. It was just another thing for them to use to make fun of me. But I wouldn’t be alone. And that was the first time that I realized I’d never be alone again. I’d always have her by my side. No matter what happened she’d be there.
“Okay, I’ll go”. She squealed, jumping on me. I couldn’t help but to laugh.
Those three days went by in a flash. Before I knew it, I was driving to Joe’s house to pick her up. Butterflies were eating at my insides like you wouldn’t believe. I once again found myself waiting for her to answer the door. But she didn’t. Her mother did instead.
She looked over my white dress shirt and black dress pants, smiling.
“Hello Devon. How are you?”
“I’m great Mrs. Smith. Is Josie around?” I asked.
“She’s upstairs. Do you know who she’s going to prom with? She won’t tell me”. She asked.
“Maybe I can get her to tell you” Her eyes lit up.
“Good! Cause I want to meet the girl that’s been making her so happy. She’s been beaming the last three days”. I laughed.
“Mom! Who’s here?” Joe yelled down the stairs.
“Devon! Do you want me to send her up?”She asked.
“Well, you know where she is”. Her mom said, gesturing to the stairs.
I went up to her room and let myself in. She was sitting on her bed, reading a text message. She looked up at me. I gasped. She looked beautiful. Her hair flowed down her body in giant curls, covering her long blue dress.
I gaped. She giggled, getting off her bed. She walked over to me and wrapped her arms around my neck, kissing my cheek. I froze as my face turned bright red. She laughed.
“Nervous?” I nodded.
“There’s nothing to be nervous about. Just remember, they don’t matter. They didn’t before, why should they now?” I smiled at her.
She intertwined her hand with mine as we walked out of her room, and down the stairs. Her mom looked at Joe, to me, and to our hands.
“I knew it!” Her mom exclaimed. Joe laughed lightly.
“I told you you’d find out before I left” Joe said.
“I want a picture!” her mom yelled, running out of the room. She soon returned with a camera.
“Okay! Pose!” Joe being the player she is, kissed my cheek. My face turned an extremely bright shade of red as the camera light went off. Joe stuck her tongue out at me. I glared. She turned back to her mother.
“Okay mom, we’re leaving. I’ve got my phone if you need me”.
“Have a good time!” And we left, arriving to Prom 10 minutes later. I turned off the engine and went to open the door.
“Wait”. Joe said. I turned to look at her.
“There’s something I want to do before we go in there. I want to show you that this night doesn’t change how I feel about you. No matter what happens, I’m yours”. She said, grabbing my hand.
“Show me…how?” I asked.
“Close your eyes”. She told me.
And I did. She moved and shifted in her I seat. I could hear her breathing. She was close to me. Very close. What is she doing…?
“Open”. My eyes opened. Her lips were only inches from mine. My breath caught in the back of my throat.
“Kiss me Devon…” She breathed. She looked into my eyes, and then to my lips, and back again. I lost it, couldn’t control myself. Lips to lips, palms to palms it was.
I pressed my lips to hers sweetly, drinking her in. She smiled into the kiss, wrapping her arms around my neck. Her lips were so soft, and sweet. She tasted like candy. Her hands went into my hair, pulling me into her. I was on fire. My body burned with so much hot passion, I felt as if I was going to explode. She bit my lip ring, tugging at in gently. I moaned lightly, enjoying the feeling. She smiled.
She broke away from my lips and went to my neck, sinking her teeth into the nape of it. I rolled eyes into the back of my head and groaned loudly. Oh my god. My body was screaming. It wanted her. It needed her. But I wouldn’t allow it. Not here, not now.
Her fingers began to undo the buttons on my shirt while she continued to bite into my neck. No. This is not how I imagined making love to her. I grabbed her hands breathed:
“Let’s go dance. There’s plenty of opportunity’s to do this, but only one to show off my new girlfriend”. She broke away from my neck and smiled largely at me.
“You want to show me off?” She was surprised by my new found confidence.
“Of course I do. I want to make everyone jealous. And be like this is my girl. She’s gorgeous and mine forever. You touch her, you die”. She giggled.
“Then let’s dance… shall we?”
We made our way inside the building. No dared to talk to us. Not with me by her side. People did stare, and whisper to their friends. They snickered. I gave them the finger. For the first time in a long time, I was happy. Very, very happy.
Joe was my Wonder Woman and always will be. She saved me from my forever falling in oblivion. Even made me feel important, like I was something to someone. She gave me faith, helped me trust. Most importantly she showed me that it was okay to love. That I deserved to be happy, that I wasn’t cursed. She showed me it was okay to be me, okay to be gay. She’ll forever remind me of what I was before we met…
an owner of a lonely heart.