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October 16, 2009
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The weather was dismal, grey, and rainy. The rain poured down softly as I walked along, my black umbrella above me. My brown boots swished softly over the water but besides the cars passing, everything was silent. My empty hand was jammed into the pocket of my black trench coat but it still felt cold. Everything did. I’d been this way since Saturday night, when the entire truth came out. On the outside, I looked like normal healthy kid but on the inside my heart was broken, and sadness was raging through me like a deadly disease.

I crossed the street and glanced around, checking to make sure he wasn’t there. He had left me a message earlier saying he would meet me wherever I was at noon. A part of me wanted to see him, and the other half recoiled at the thought. I was torn between forgiving and forgetting just so he could love me again, and I needed his love, or letting him go. The debate raged inside me, my heart against my brain. I didn’t know who would win.

For the first few hours, I had been in complete and total shock at seeing him with another girl. He was there, at the movie theatres with her, holding her hand and basking in her smile. She was pretty of course; he had always had a thing for girls with nice faces. I was the one exception and of course, now things were ending badly. I think her name was Lynn Laramont; she was in my honors biology class. I should’ve known that he’d take a pretty stranger over me any day.

He was just as surprised as me when he tore himself away from her eyes and happened to look into my horrified brown eyes. He had chased me when I ran but I quickly found a bathroom and escaped inside. I don’t know how long I was in there, or how long he waited, but when I came out he was gone. My eyes were red from crying and my face was puffy. Of course, my best friend Cassidy was right there with me, helping me get home in one piece. Finally the shock wore off and I was filled with a blind red anger. When he tried to come over to my house and talk to me, I had yelled at him to leave me alone forever and slammed the door in his face. The anger eventually faded away too, and now this never ending sadness was in this place.

I showed up at the park where me and him had had our first kiss. I had thought it was full of love but I had never been so wrong in my life. He was a player, and I was just another toy he could love and leave. Quickly I passed the spot under the old tree where we had held hands and walked across the street, towards my house. There was the tire swing he had pushed me in at midnight, and the tree we spent the whole day in, or the street where we had lied in the middle of the street like The Notebook. All those precious memories where meaningless to him. I wondered if I was the first girl he had done them with, or where they just repeated. All questions I would have to ask him. I walked down the street and stopped at the corner. I checked my phone, it was noon. And when I looked up, he was across the street, staring intently at me.

I was frozen as he stepped onto the deserted street. But when he got close enough so that I could see his brilliant blue eyes, I moved foreword too. We stopped in the middle of the road, him staring intently into my eyes, me looking back at him, hoping he couldn’t see how hurt I was. I had run once, and I wouldn’t let that happen again. I would stand tall this time.

It was quiet, only the raindrops were the sound. Finally I said, “I don’t know what to say except why? Why did you skip out on me for her?”

He ran his hand through his golden hair. He was amazingly gorgeous he took my breath away. I fought not to give up and say that I forgave him. Finally he said, “I don’t know.”

I took a deep breath and said, “Well neither do I. so I guess there’s nothing left to say.”

I tried to walk away but he caught my arm, “Wait Lily, where does this leave us?”

I looked up at his beautiful eyes and said, “There isn’t any “us” anymore.”

“Cant you give me a second chance?” he asked. I wanted to cry out yes, but I held firm. My eyes were tearing up and I fought to hide my tears. “After everything that’s gone on, I don’t think that’s a good idea. We, I mean I, cant do this any more. We’re not good for each other.”

And then he, Jack Turner, cried out, “No Lily, you’re the best thing for me. I love you! I need you!”

It was hard to ignore that. How many times had he said that to me, and how many times had I believed him? I let my umbrella fall so he couldn’t see the tears streaming down my cheeks. “I love you too Jack, but I cant do this any more. I cant…be with you and not trust you.”

He wrapped his arms around me and I sobbed into his chest. “I’m so sorry I hurt you, Lily. I’m so sorry.”

I clung to him, wishing I could’ve gone back to beginning. Never could I regret this realtionship, it had showed me what it was like to love. I loved Jack with all my heart and soul and body. He made me happy and I had thought I made him happy.

At that moment in his arms, I saw my two futures ahead of me. One was there, always in Jack’s arms, always feeling like I couldn’t trust him. And then there was the other path that lead somewhere else. And that somewhere else was what I needed. So I pushed him away and wiped my eyes. Jack looked down at me and I stepped back. The tears stopped flowing and I put my umbrella up again. That moment in his arms would stay with me forever, and it would always be a melancholy memory. I looked up into Jack’s eyes and said, “I cant be with you anymore. I have to move on. I need to do this for me.”

Jack nodded, his eyes forlorn. “I understand Lily. I’m sorry I hurt you so bad, I’m sorry I went with her on that date. I’m sorry that I screwed up the most important thing in my life. I hope eventually you can forgive me.”

I smiled up at him. “I know eventually we will be friends. I can feel it.”

Jack pulled me close one last time, and I didn’t fight him. Slowly he raised me to his lips and pressed them against my forehead. “I love you, Lily Morrow. Never forget that.”

Once again I stepped away from him. Tears were once again filling my eyes.
“Goodbye Jack.” I said and then I was walking back the way I had came. A few steps away, Jack called out my name. I turned around and he asked, “Do you think we could ever be the same?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. We’ll just have to wait and see.”

And then I turned around and walked away. Back past the old memories that were no longer painful. That old tree, the tire swing, that street made tears come back to my eyes but this time they were melancholy. I cried for my lost love and I cried for my unknown future. I would be able to live without him, even if it was hard. I smiled to myself through my tears as I walked, and as I did the sun came out. I lowered my umbrella and let out a little giggle. Things were finally looking up for me.

If I had turned around, I would’ve seen Jack staring at me, the look on his face clearly displaying his regret and loss and sadness.

If I had turned around, I would’ve seen the little smile that came across his face as he heard my laugh.

If I had turned around, I would’ve run straight back into his arms.

But I didn’t.





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Fizza_98 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 22, 2011 at 11:33 am
sweet one. keep writting. check out my article 'what my heart speaks on frienship'. hope you'll like it. :)
 
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