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Loving you is like wanting death Ep. 1

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She tried to strike him with her bare fleshed hand. He grabbed it in mid air. "Would you like to try again?" he asked with a dark smirk across his face. Yes! She screamed within herself. She hated him and everything he did to her. She loved him but hated everything about him. He killed her hope of her father coming back to her. She looked away from the hard-chisseled face that captured her in such a trance many times before. "He will come back. He loves me, which is more than what I can say about you!" I shifted away from him. He crossed his arms and began to sigh. He leaned on the fireplace as i sat down on the piano in the middle of the living room. I shuffled through the sheet music and found a symphony from Beethoven's 3rd. I began to play. my fingers gently touching the ancient piece. I could feel his eyes burning a hole through my head. He who stole me away in the middle of the night just to tell me that my father's return was hopeless and just a fairytale. Yes, I hated him. I suddenly didnt feel the urge to play anymore and finished the symphony with my own made up tune. I gently closed the piano and walked to the door to exit this treacherous place he was trying to keep me captive in. He glided in front of the door and leaned on the handle. His face was now serious and stricken with frustration. "For the last time your not going anywhere. So sit now." he brushed his hand through his black hair and lowered his eyes at me. "Move." I said in a husk voice. It was five in the morning i had no time for this. He smiled well more of a sinical smile then a happy-go-lucky one. Jackass. "Make me." He crossed his arms back in place and began to hum the same tune i played a minmute ago. "You arrogant-" I stopped myself. "Fine Ill move you." I spoke in a low whisper. His eyes fluttered as I moved closer to him. His breath and mine lingered together as we breathed in eachothers scent. I skimmed my lips across his. He backed up. Yeah wasnt expecting that one now were you. I kept repeating that in my head. I had the control not him. He lowered his arms and then grabbed me by the waist pulling me closer to him. His rock solid chest against mine. He bit my lower lip and then devoured my lips with a need that he must have been holding back for all this time. It was our first but not our last kiss.



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lalalander said...
Dec. 15, 2010 at 5:08 pm

i apartially agree with snow. the change in person was a little strange, but i really thought this was an excellent piece.

 

 
_Snow_ said...
Dec. 15, 2010 at 2:23 pm

The place where you change from 3rd person to 1st person and the lack of divided paragraphs bugs me. Also in "your not going anywhere" it should be "you're not going anywhere." Now about the story... well it's not really a story. It's just a scene, and unless you're craving a kissing scene it's rather boring. Rereading it now, "beginning to sigh" doesn't make sense, and you probably meant for her to sit on the piano bench, not the piano itself, and I don't understand what you mean when you sa... (more »)

 
Faceless said...
Dec. 15, 2010 at 7:54 am
M'Kay! I'll check it out! :D
 
D_Beauty said...
Nov. 23, 2010 at 8:37 pm
Wow! This is great!! I absolutely love this. I was so curious of what was gonna happen. Great work!
 
doubleblacklover said...
Nov. 23, 2010 at 11:14 am
Some of the descriptions are too flowery and it just makes it into a situation more dramatic than it really is. Its a good idea though just needs a little work. Good luck!
 
Poppyyyman said...
Nov. 23, 2010 at 6:07 am
you've done a great job engaging your readers ! i love the language and your way of describing things...but just a few areas of improvement....at the beginning you have written in 3rd person and it just changes half way to 1st.... and also, i dont really understand why he has kidnapped her in the middle of the night to force her to play piano for him? it is a bit confusing, so maybe if you tried using a less complicated situation that doesnt need as much background information to explain it it w... (more »)
 
Robsessed said...
Nov. 1, 2010 at 10:28 pm
Could use a bit of polishing, but otherwise it's pretty good.
 
rockstar7777777 said...
Nov. 1, 2010 at 3:50 pm
i liked it, it reminded me of that song by eminem and rihanna: love the way you lie. i think that you could try to make it more intense, i found it a bit funny but it was good.
 
Nannabanana22 said...
Oct. 11, 2010 at 10:56 am
Not only is you imagination, and descriptiveness great but you put them to good use!
 
trblue said...
Oct. 11, 2010 at 10:20 am
over the summer i pulled some teenink stuff off the internet, and this pice of work was decided. i really liked it, it had like a dark feel to it. like city of bones if you read the books.
 
Mayzie2010$$ said...
Oct. 10, 2010 at 4:26 pm
Heyyyy! I luv this story!! its so descriptive of what happened throughout th dialougue. Just a suggestion: What if the story had more about what happened after they kissed? Just a thought.
 
stickslikevelcro replied...
Oct. 10, 2010 at 10:29 pm
this was great even with a few mistakes! writing takes practice, don't ever stop.
 
Patchsgurl said...
Oct. 10, 2010 at 12:44 pm
Really good story. Needs some editing, but wow great story line, & very discriptivie! Continue this im craving more!
 
xBoyCrazieeXXXK said...
Oct. 10, 2010 at 9:12 am
I liked it, it was like mad awesome! I can't wait for you to write more soon!
 
twilighthater said...
Sept. 22, 2010 at 3:47 pm
that waz good even wit the errorz........................ i think
 
apocalyptigirl said...
Sept. 18, 2010 at 10:51 pm
This is not very well written. It's got a lot of obvious errors, and even switches back and forth from third to first person. Sorry, but I didn't like it.
 
elfiewrites said...
Sept. 18, 2010 at 10:04 am
This is very well written! Great job. I'd love to see more work from you. If it is at all possible, can you critique my story called "Keeping Faith" a look? Thanks a lot
 
moo this sheep replied...
Sept. 18, 2010 at 10:45 am
hey, i read your essay. it was good, although i found it difficult to keep up with your transitions into different parts of it, and i found that the character acted more like a teenager than a mother. otherwise, very creative. 
 
fictionlover10 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Sept. 18, 2010 at 6:11 pm
I read it as well, and it's almost exactly word-for-word matching with the book Keeping Faith by Jodi Picoult. Seriously. Is it just me, or that supposed to be bad? I mean, the names are different and you snuck in a ddifferent beginning and end but honestly, it looks like one of the pages I'm reading right now in Jodi Picoult's book. Anyone else see this?
 
ithinkijustflew said...
Aug. 5, 2010 at 4:08 pm
It's kind of confusing, but well written. I think you need to space it out a little more though.
 
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