August 20, 2009
I walk up the door that holds him safely in there. He usally always comes back to see me from, I don't know where. When he is gone, I am forced to be alone. As i reach the top of the stairs where the door sits and waits for me to knock, I see no sign of a light in the house. I hope to soon see a light. I walk around his dark house until, after a long walk around a big dark house, I see a dim light. I look further too see any sign of him possible. Finnaly, I see him looking at me through the window. I am so excited that I almost forget why I was there.
He starts running down the stars while I run up them to him. Then, we kissed. When we broke from each other, we started talking about what happend when we were apart. I was about to ask him where he goes when he isn't here, but i didn't get a chance.
I left his house with a smile on my face. Sadly, I never went back to his house ever again. I'm not sure why. To this day, I still miss him a lot.

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This article has 23 comments. Post your own now!

rachie-lou-who said...
Nov. 8, 2011 at 5:32 pm

It's nice and very sweet. A few suggestions, if you wish to expand on this piece, would be:

1. Add more detail. Why does the main character feel this way about him?

2. How does he feel when they're not together?

3. Was she filled with adrenaline / excitment when she saw him running towards her?

Spice it up a little, but don't spice it up SO MUCH that there isn't a plot towards it. 

Other than that, wonderful piece, and I know you'll get better with time... (more »)

TheUnknownGuest replied...
Nov. 8, 2011 at 7:48 pm
Thanks! If I ever have time and/or the inspiration, I will. :)
TheUnknownGuest said...
Aug. 10, 2011 at 2:07 am
Thank you for the advice everyone!! I will keep it in mind for future writings. :)
billgamesh11 said...
Jul. 23, 2011 at 2:44 pm
It wasn't bad, but I would've liked it even more if you had continued the story for longer, but sill, nice story and keep writing!!!:):):)
smith said...
Apr. 2, 2011 at 11:56 pm
nice writing.. love it
lalalander said...
Mar. 13, 2011 at 9:34 pm
this story is a mystery to me, i'm not sure why she never saw him again, or why he leaves, but i do want to find out. it was a great post.
LilyJ. said...
Mar. 13, 2011 at 8:45 pm
This seems like a small part of a bigger story. But I really like it. One comment on it is that you have two different tenses through the story, both past and present. You start it out in present tense and in the second paragraph you changed to past tense. Also, try typing it up in Windows, or whatever you have, and you can correct the mistakes. Great start! A really nice story.
heiwagirl replied...
Mar. 23, 2011 at 11:10 pm
I agree it does seem like a small part of another story.
Kelz1141 said...
Dec. 15, 2010 at 4:18 pm
I thought it was nice, though I'm not sure why it is on the top rated. I am not trying to be offensive in any way, so sorry if that sounds harsh. Anyway, your wording seems a bit awkward and there isn't much of a plot. Keep Working and you will do great things!
TheUnknownGuest replied...
Jan. 29, 2011 at 6:27 pm
lol no it's fine. lol I didn't really know quite how to write it either. Believe me, I find it a little weird when people rate it so high, but I guess it's good to them so I'm not complaining. :)! said...
Oct. 11, 2010 at 10:23 pm
his was great, I loved it, ome grammer issues but great potential!!!!!!!!
stickslikevelcro said...
Oct. 10, 2010 at 3:17 pm
for spelling and grammar, i just write my stuff on word and then copy and paste it in, it helps me, hope it helps u!
. said...
Oct. 8, 2010 at 8:34 am
it was good, you should write more... about who he is and who you are maybe? and a little more about  where you are too. but i loved it:) great potential
gymbabe This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 22, 2010 at 10:06 am

This was nice, just some grammar mistakes, and you might want to elaborate a bit.  Still, great job.  Keep writing!

Btw, anyone who sees this, will you check out and comment on my work?

dianepoon This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 4, 2010 at 11:50 pm
more adjectives are needed
star33 said...
Nov. 15, 2009 at 2:12 pm
this is really good:)
lexi<3 said...
Nov. 15, 2009 at 12:56 pm
i really like this. its cute and serious at once
So-calledLife This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 3, 2009 at 12:37 pm
this is really cute :) you are a great writer, keep it up! this piece is really good but it seems like only a part of something. you should make it into a short story i think
EmmaXoxo<3 replied...
Sept. 28, 2009 at 10:05 am
I agree, but this has great sentence structure! (lol, sorry that sounded like a teacher) Keep up the good work!!!!
TheUnknownGuest replied...
Sept. 28, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Thanks! I will keep that in mind.... and no worries.... you sounded fine:)
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