I don’t know how I got here, but all I know is I feel peaceful. The yelling and crying dissolve from my brain as I breathe in the fresh air of the pine trees all around me. My life is crumbling within my fingertips and I am just as helpless to save it just like I was helpless to prevent my brother from committing suicide. I still remember his glassy eyes as his tears kept on flowing. Be strong, Elena. Don’t try to walk in my shoes to understand why.
Without my older brother, I felt more alone than ever. I spent the past few years trying to keep myself busy, but all the fighting and smashing plates wouldn’t mend itself. In every book I read and every movie I watch, I get reminded by the problems the protagonists pave through, and how they used all their willful energy to solve it. Why can’t I solve it? Why does it drown me, and keep me trapped in a hole? My best friend left behind five years of friendship to be with a boy who didn’t even care about her, my father left my mother for a punk rocker, and my mother dosed on drugs and delved into depression. I was struggling in school, and no one dared to notice. My smiles and laughter displayed my ‘happiness,’ but no one knew better. Nobody knew I was suffering and forcing myself to stay strong.
And here I was, melting under the late afternoon sun, laying with a good book. I was slowly dying on the inside. With nobody that would listen to me, nobody that would maintain a conversation, and definitely nobody to try to hang out with me, I spent my days flipping paper pages looking for an adventure to distract me. But, in order to go on an adventure, one must have the willpower of a dragon. That ball of fire had disappeared inside of me, all that’s left was grief. Tears upon tears, and regrets.
I don’t know how I can ever find myself again.