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Shades of Blue

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You could tell she liked it, her picture perfect life. It appeared to be pure happiness in her mind. There were no scratches or cracks. Or so it seemed to her, as she kept herself busy, which was so unlike her. In fact, what she saw would have been a nightmare to her three years ago. Three years ago, she was incapable of looking towards the future.

All this she thought as she stirred the pot and scolded the child, then wiped her hands and dried the dish. All this as she tied her dress and tried so hard to tuck her pixie haircut behind her ears. Then, turning her head to look upon her man at the table, she admired the table she herself had so wonderfully set, with a false sense of satisfaction.

She truly did like the way things looked: her man sitting with one leg swung over the other casually, leaning back with crossed arms, his head tilted sideways as he listened to their friend who came for dinner. She truly loved being needed by her child whom she looked upon with such love as he sat innocently on the floor next to his cooking mother. She liked sweeping the dirtied kitchen as her man sat in his armchair, reading aloud the day’s events to her from the newspaper while she pretended to be interested.

Her loose-fitted dress with the buttons and the ribbon. It was so motherly, she couldn’t help but buy it when she saw it in the store window. What a beautiful shade of blue, she thought to herself.

She imagined sitting on her soft turquoise couch with her man and their baby. The blue dress draping itself perfectly on her crossed and rounded knees. She imagined her child on his father’s lap clapping his hands and letting out a laugh.

Immediately, her teeth flashed, smiling at the dress in the window. Her lips strained while her eyes remained trapped in an abyss of sadness and uncertainty. Memories of the few months back when he took the train down south to see his other daughters clouded her eyes. She was left for weeks with their newborn son, when she was still suffering from postpartum depression. I just couldn’t handle the change. He was the only one who knew what to do when the baby woke in the middle of the night. He has so much more experience than me, she muttered to herself. She was not prepared. She never wished for her new life with him and the baby to come rushing towards her. Life was not supposed to take a turn. The only problem was that it did and it was already far too late. Am I too old? Is being in your forties too old to start over? Too late now. Still, in spite of everything, she was determined with the vision in her mind and hunger in her stomach. She was going to make it work, wasn’t she? Even though every night she watched the ceiling fan spin while listening to her man breathe in and out his infidelity. Wasn’t this what she wanted? 





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