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Two Bites of Salad
I had those curves guys love and girls are jealous of. I those eyes that shine when they smile. I had the smile that glowed when I used it. I had that personality people just couldn’t get enough of.
Now I am skin and bones. My eyes are dull and lost looking. My smile, well, if I still have one, would look more like a grimace. My personality was gone, I was just run down. All because of one person.
“We should see other people.”
“You heard me, I think it would be best for both of us.”
“I just want to see other people and you do too.”
“No I don’t.”
“C’mon, yeah you do. I can tell.”
“I love you, though.”
“Well, I want to see other people.”
“Cause, your just not as... pretty anymore.”
“You heard me.”
“I’ll change. Please, give me a chance.”
*sigh* “One chance.”
I went anorexic and it helped, for a few months. I let it get to me, I got skinnier and skinnier and I looked uglier the less food I ate. I was frustrated. He was frustrated. He left. He left ME. How could he? I went through these past months in pain and depression, and he gets up and says, “So sorry, actually not really, but I’m out. Later.”
I cried and cried and cried, and kept crying, because when I cried it relieved my pain, in my heart and my body. I got skinnier and uglier and my bones were becoming visible. My eyes looked sunken and I woke up one morning and looked in the mirror. You know what I saw? A person on the edge of death. Someone hanging on my a few threads. I got in the shower and cried so no one would hear me. I cried till the water ran cold and I felt like curling up in the bottom of the tub and laying there till the life slipped out of me and down the drain. I got out and dried off, my tangled, wet, hair hung raggedy, not well taken care of anymore. It used to be the prettiest natural blond, but now it was a ratty brown color.
I was late to school and as I walked to my seat in the back of the room, people stared. Their eyes bore the familiar holes in my face and I felt my cheeks burst into the normal redness.
School was hard. My work never got finished, I had no social life, I had no reason to be there. I saw him there sometimes and he gives me the “I-can’t-believe-I-dated-that” look. I feel ashamed. I let down the love of my life. I was the dog that never did the tricks right when it was suppose to.
Sooner or later this will end, hopefully. Suicide had crossed my mind, but I would never get the guts to do it. I still want to keep some of my dignity, I don’t want to be the girl that killed herself, I want to return to my full potential. I’ll start by eating a little more food each day.
I ate the tasteless sandwich and let it sit in my stomach for a few moments, before I was in the bathroom vomiting. I couldn’t hold it down. My body was so used to the little amounts that I couldn’t handle a normal food serving. I returned to my normal diet, barely anything.
The white lights shining in my face hurt and I tried to hold my hands up, block the painful whiteness from my view, but something held them down.
“Danielle, please don’t move,” someone spoke out and I froze, scared. Shaped appeared, figures rushing around me.
“Where am I?” I asked, my voice scratchy in my throat. I coughed, wishing I could have a little water.
“Danielle, your in the hospital.”
I stared down at the food on the tray in front of me.
“Those stereotypes about hospital food are fake, Danielle, please eat a little.” I looked up into my nurse, Crystal’s face. She was in her late 30’s, light red hair that she wore in a twisted bun on top of her head. Her black eyes were lively and she looked nice when she smiled.
“I’m not hungry.” I pushed the tray away and Crystal grimaced. She picked it up and sat it on the table by the door.
“I can get you some chips, if you want.”
“Not hungry.” I repeated coldly. I was on the 5th floor of the hospital, the floor for the mentally ill. There was only one other anorexic patient, and she slept most the time. She wasn’t very friendly, but neither was I.
“Danielle, maybe no one told you this, but I care about you, so I’m going to tell it to you straight. You keep on living like this, your going to die. Your just going to fall asleep or collapse again, but this time, we won’t be able to revive you. You’ll die.” Her serious face made me want to cry, something I did to help me fall asleep.
“I know, but I’m not hungry. I just want to throw up.” I said blinking back my tears and Crystal’s face softened.
“Two bites of the salad. It’s healthy for you, won’t make you gain an once.” She promised bring the small bowel over to me. I looked down at the leaves and picked one up. I put it in my mouth, chewed and swallowed. I didn’t feel sick, maybe even a little better. I smiled at Crystal.