You never know how strong you are till you have to be the strongest. You never know what’s worth fighting for till you have to fight for it. You never know fear till it’s looking at you dead in the eye. You never know these things because we want to live in our bubble. We block them out because we don’t want our perfect world be poisoned.

When I got the news that I had cancer, I knew that I had to be strong. I had a family to take care of and I wasn’t planning on leaving anytime soon. I wanted to ball up in a corner and leave, but that means it’s won. I would have been defeated. It would be able to laugh in my face at my weakness because I wasn’t able to be strong.

I exited the doctor’s office with a tear-stained heart. How do you come home from a doctor’s check-up to tell your husband that you have cancer instead the casual, ‘everything is good as usual,’ greeting? How do I break it to my kids? I don’t want to put that stress on them.

This time I’m going to hug them once more. I’ll give them one more kiss. I want them happy. I don’t want them to remember me upset or miserable. I want them to think of me as a legend: a fire that is still blazing on. I want to be a footprint on the moon. If push ever came to shove, that’s what I want.

I remember when the commercial for charity researches came on. I remember thinking how I thought they would never find an answer. No matter how much money they’ll ever raise, they might never have a chance. How wrong was I? Now, with all my heart, I want a cure. I want an answer because that’s all I have left to hold on.