Finding Life

February 12, 2011
"Help! Im drowning" I screamed gasping for breath as my head ducked in and out of the water. I could feel myself losing life but, I couldn't save me. Not this time. Everything when dark....but, I knew this was just the beggining.
Chapter 1
I jerked my body up from sleep and let out a gasp. I knew it was only a dream but, they seemed to be getting worst by time. Ever since Laney died. My sister.
Laney was different from the rest. She was a loner who usually sat in the back of every class. Her looks were perfect but, her personality was boring and dull to others. She never played sports and never went out on the weekends. All she did was study and write poems about how much she misses Michigan. My mom tried putting her in modeling but, she never walked really. She would fall or trip and even skip the classes. She hated wearing anything cute, her style was a pair of jeans and a sweater. She even looked gorgeous in that but, obviously you had to have the whole package to be friends with the other students. And she liked it just like that. Alone.
Ever since Laney joined private school she was hated by the students and being a freshman only made it worst. She was an outkast. And she didn't even hate it. She told me it was for the better but, I knew that Laney was upset and hurt.
But, I will always remember the night she ran home from school smiling. For the first time in weeks since the move.
" I got inviteded to a guys party!" she announced barely making it through the door.
" Thats great! We've got to get you a new outfit" My mother was always happy to have an excuse to spend over five hundred dollars on my father's credit card.
" Well I guess its time to have the talk" My dad smiled jokingly and got up to hug Laney.
We both rolled our eyes at my dad's protective instincts.
When Laney was finally dolled up in jeans (her choice) and a flowing silky top we were ready to send her off in my mother's, Lexus.
When I first saw Laney, I thought she looked even better then before. She was something new and bright. Her pale make-up brought the Barbados tan out. She was perfect but, even still I felt as if she was alone in some way. In need of help.
Later on during the night we'd recieved a phone. Announcing Laney's death. No one actually knew what happened but, the officer explained that there was a trace of blood and Laney's clothes alone in the wood.
We cried and waited. We didn't know what we were waiting on but, we always told each other that she would come back. She is just lost. But, truly we knew she was dead.
I picked my body up from the bed and walked down the stairs. My bare feet rubbing against the wooden staircase. Like always my mother was sitting at the table, staring at nothing. I knew she ate because of the empty plate in front of her but, I could never be sure now a days.
My mother started starving herself after the incident. We'd tried rehabs and a couple of hospitals along the way but, eventually we got her back to reality. Sort of.
" Good morning, Mom" I made sure I smiled. She likes it.
She turned her head slowly towards me and waved. I knew today would be another speechless day. No meaning or sound.
I made my way to the kitchen and found a counter full of blueberry waffles and eggs. The usual depressing meal. I was almost ready to throw it out and settle on cereal. But, like usual I did the opposite of my mind.
Once I finally sat down to eat my father had joined us. He was silent but his face said it all. Dont talk to me. I munched quietly and swallowed the orange juice quickly before getting up and kissing my parents on the cheek. In the corner of my eye I could see my father brush his cheek with the backside of his hand. Usually this wouldn't bother me because I knew he was in another bad mood. But, now it sort of effected me. It was almost like I needed him to show his love towards me. I had no one else. I walked off hopelessly towards the bathroom.
I looked in the mirror and saw nothing but, a fifteen year old girl with issues and no sibblings. I could see pain written all over my body. I could see.
I hopped in the shower with anger. I was finally starting to realize that something was wrong here. I had a life before Laney died so why can't I continue living it. Why do I have to be punished for no wrong doing? Why did life have to stop when Laney died? I knew I was just being selfish and self-centered but, I couldn't stop the evil thoughts. Maybe I should kill myself, no point in living when you have nothing to live for. I had nothing. And it was all Laney's fault. She did this to me because her life sucked. I bet she knew this would happen.
I hadn't realized I was scrubbing myself so hard that my skin looked pink. But, I didn't care. I turned the water all the way to the hot side and let the water sizzle on my back. I wanted it to burn everything away. I wanted it to burn away the past and let me be able to have a future. I wanted it all. Now.
Once I got out of the shower, I felt stupid and dumb for ever thinking I was more important then Laney. For ever thinking I even deserved to live. I felt stupid for ever thinking. I wrapped my nude body into a towel and walked towards Laney's old room. I opened the door slowly as if to expect Laney to yell " Go away" or " Can you not read it says.. Out on the door." That's what I wanted more then ever. To hear her yell. But, instead I opened the door to a lifeless room that stunk of fear and sweat. Her walls even seemed dead. The colors slowly dying of color. Of life. Her chair was pulled out from the same night she disappeared. We wanted to keep everything the same. As if she'd come back and sit in it again. I opened her closet and the smell of Grandma rushed into my nose giving me a head rush. Her jeans were stacked upon each other and her sweaters and t-shirts were hung on hangers. I grabbed a pair of jeans and a Yale t- shirt. Which she'd gotten from a tour of the school. She always wanted to attend college there. She promised me she would. But, like all promises, in some way they become broken.
In her clothes I felt dead but, I loved the feel of them. It was as if Laney was hugging me. A rare thing she did. But, everytime she did hug me I'd never let go until she pulled away.
I loved the feel so much that I grabbed her comb from the desk and brushed my curls into a messy ponytail. It felt like she was combing my hair with her usual admiration every time my hair bounced back into a swirl. Another rare thing she did
" I love your hair" She'd say.
" I love how you love it" I joked playfully. And like usual she never laughed. Because she was just that way. Dead somehow.
I hadn't noticed my dad standing in the doorway until I turned around. He didn't look angry but, he did look scared. As if I was the monster.
" I see her everytime I look at you." He walked towards me and smiled.
I didn't know what to say but, I knew it had to be quick. I didn't want this moment to end.
" I'm nothing like her." I didn't want to look at my father's face.
" You were everything like her if not better." My father's look was pained almost, raged.
I didn't want to even think I was better then Laney, so how could her own father think that.
" Dad no one is better then anyone." I shook my head. I had never disagreed with my father so harshly before.
" Elaine, Laney had serious problems. We tried to keep it from you but, we've ended up ruining everything."
I was so confused that I didnt even realize my face was scrunched.
" Elaine I'm going to tell you this because I love you. Laney had always thought of dying. She wanted this." My father was staring at me as if he was begging me to understand.
But, I didnt. Why would a father want this for his daughter? How could a father want death arrive upon his daughter?
" Your horrible" it just came out. Without thinking I said what came to my mind.
My father laughed of sadness.
" I understand Elaine but, you needed to know the truth before-" My father stopped abruptly as footsteps stopped at the door.
My mother. She stared at us uncomfortably.
" Dave I'm going to the store. Would you like something?"
" Im fine. Elaine?" My father turned towards me.
I shook my head. I was anoxious to learn more of the "truth".
She smiled weakly and walked back down the stairs.
" Now Elaine I want you to know that in a couple of weeks. There will be harsh changes." I could see the tears burning ing his eyes.
I didnt know what he meant but, I thought I'd had enough of the truth.
I began to stand before he touched my arm.
" Elaine, know that I love you and your sister very much" He kissed my cheek and let me walk off.
I didn't know much so far but, one thing I was sure of.
Our family was ruined. Completely.

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DivenaBieber said...
Oct. 21, 2011 at 2:52 pm
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