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March 22, 2010
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I remember walking downstairs for my outside lunch hour from school. Yes, they actually let us outside for lunch. A bitter cold New York winter day, I was about to see someone that would warm me right up. The mob of students I have to shove through everyday to get outside went on the same way as they always do. Sophomores to seniors. Me, being the top of the high school educational level couldn't wait—for lack of a better phrase—to get the f*** out of there. Sorry for cursing. If you went through what I'm about to tell you, you would curse too. I'll always remember that day. Not in a happy remembrance. My earphones pumped Evidence's Chase the clouds away. Stepping out that building was like stepping out into a colder version of Venice beach.

Today was different. I was meeting an old friend who I not only saw once before but had become a constant companion. Stephanie Mantilla. I shoved past the teeming masses of our high school alumni and saw the one jewel I wanted to have. A small jewel that shined nonetheless. Steph and I hadn't seen each other since the day we met over a year ago. She shined the same way she shines today.



I walked out of the apartment wanting so bad to just punch anyone and anything in reach. I felt like all I was was a goddamn delivery boy. What was on my delivery list today? Hmm, let's see: Drop a girl I want off at my friends house so they could do god knows what, Go back to class, pick up some weed, and hang out as if I'm not suppose to be mad about it. I pondered the whole way back to school why I had let that happen. My heart wasn't even beating the same way it was before. I realized that I let someone I cared about go by walking out the door of a project. An act of lunacy in any romantic comedy of the new age. The social norm where the average schmuck gets the girl of his dreams didn't prevail that day. There was no dramatic background music. No slow moving pan rotating back and forth between me and the one I want to lock eyes with. There was just me, my mp3(I know—how outdated) and the thoughts of all the things that could have gone or may have already be going on back there. I arrived to history class ten minutes late. Uncaring every second I was in there. Hood up over my head hoping that no one would ask me how I'm doing.

Thoughts that had no business being in my head plagued me. Like a solider that got sent back from war I was having flashbacks that never happened. I wondered if she would do to him what I want ed her to do with me? Would they push the bar and be as intimate as I had wanted. I thought of her lips back on his neck just like before. I almost hurled over my classwork that day. Thoughts of flesh and sweat filling a room I regularly walked in flashed before me. My gaze met the clock almost every minute, thinking that at any minute they could be making the beast with two backs...and my feelings were completely deferred. I had let that happen. My pulse quickened. I felt a boom ache in my head as I rubbed my temples. The thoughts of groping burned my retinas. The thoughts of how no matter how long I tried or been there or known Steph didn't mean anything. My head ached and my body craved a Newport. A bad habit I had recently picked up with no anterior motive. They were watching the Animal planet when I left...what if wild animals humping would be the real tipping point? That's an even more embarrassing way for me to go out!

“Chris?” I opened my eyes and freed myself from my horror inspired nightmare. My history teacher was probably about to tell me to take my hood off. “Could you please take your hood off if it's not too much to ask?” See I told you. Thank Mr. Wides for making my day ten times more s***ty. The time gap from one-thirty to school dismissal at 3:20 made it all the more worse. I only had two more classes until I could leave. It was like I wasn't even in class the whole time. I didn't beep at all on the school sonar. All I could think about as the clock ticked in a circle of the things that could be happening. What could be going on the very second that red hand ticked away.




I was everything but excited to ring the buzzer for the second time today. Normally, I'd be alright with it. But right before I even punched in the door code I remember thinking in my head, “I'm gonna hit the keys and no one is gonna answer because...” The because should be self explanatory. To my dismay, that was exactly what happened.

Ring...


I chock that one up to having to get up and walk a long way to answer the buzzer from upstairs.

Ring...


That's another charity ring.

Ring...


I chock THAT one up to having to put their clothes back on.

Ring...
Ring...
Ring...


I stared at the ground in anguish. Having the feeling that I had all the wind knocked out of me. But then again. The fault lies with me. I was an idiot that day. I was even an idiot the rest of the day. And in the eyes of my closets friends I am an idiot that threw away a jewel more valuable to me than any diamond in this world. And for that and for the events that followed, I am...a f***ing imbecile.




I'll admit it. I was infuriated in a way I never thought humanly possible. I sat on the extra bed that was propped up against the wall and stared out into the room. The bong still resting on the wood of Biscuit's bed like it was a trophy. I felt an emptiness. Biscuit and Steph had gone back into the living room or the kitchen whichever one. I wouldn't have had a problem with this until I noticed that clock let ten minutes go by. My heartbeat pulsed with the under the influence type of beat. It was only accelerated by the fact that my sense of hearing had increased too. I could hear it. And It made my dry eyes water. I could hear kissing sounds from the other room and it was so constant it could sound like a kissing booth.

For every slow, marijuana effected minute, I felt like I wanted to just pick up my s*** and leave. I felt like my THC induced heart should have been taken out and used as a ashtray. It might as well have been. There I was. Listening to the girl I want so bad in this world with one of my best friends, in a different pair of pants, going at it. I wont lie to you. I was sad for other reasons as well. I was sad because today was the last day I was going to see Steph. She was leaving for Florida in the morning. I felt like a whole wad of s***. I only saw her twice out of the two weeks she had been here. And the last time I saw her was at Bryant park then my house...then I did the same pothead routine with my other friend. I was happy because it slowed down time and it made our time together longer.





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