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September 29, 2009
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Would you rather have pink or blue nail polish? Would you rather be deaf or blind? Would you rather live as a vegetable or die as a hemophiliac? Would you rather wake up not knowing who you are or not wake up at all?
They, the doctors, want me to write. Anything, they said, even a scribble. I don’t remember how to write or to even hold a pencil. My fist clenches around it like a baby, like I had been reborn. These people, probably watching me from the video camera. Laughing. Like I was some sick joke. My face flushes, my eyes water stinging my cheeks, slipping down to drip on the paper. Leaving dark, shriveled, circles, in place of my words.
I cannot begin to describe how it feels when you don’t know yourself anymore. Waking up and recognizing nothing, from the colour of your hair or the dryness of you hands. Falling asleep one night after giving your mother a kiss not knowing the next time you see her you will scream in panic. As if it was all a recorded film that had been rewound, and the play button was stuck. Except for me, the play button wasn’t just stuck. It wasn’t there period.
This woman, my mother so I am told, places a photo next to bed the day after I wake up. After two months. The perfect family. In the background there is a man, smiling, his arm is around a girl. Looks like me. Something else is familiar. Is it his expression? The way his hand grips her shoulder instead of resting on it? Rage. I smash the picture to the floor. The glass shatters. I tear his face from the picture, the rest floats to the ground. The woman cries. The doctor nods. I wonder if I care.
They release me a few weeks later to the woman. She tells me we are going home. He’s gone. He can’t hurt you anymore. Legally I don’t need to go with her. But I do. She tells me about myself. My boyfriend, our pregnancy. I look down at myself wondering how a child had ever been there. Where was it now?
I kept the torn photo of him in my pocket. Obsessed. It took me a month but I found him. Daddy, I look at him wasted. Why did you do it? I remember what you did to me now. But I am not like you.
Would you rather wake up not knowing who you are or not wake up at all? It kills me to see him like this, slumped in his chair, snoring softly, absolutely unaware. A broken glass is on the floor. The red wine will stain the carpet. I will allow my blood to enter the blend. In time they will replace the carpet. Still the stain of his sin and mine shall remain. I look at my cracked reflection in the mirror. One shot. I look at him and pull the trigger. I would rather not wake up at all.

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JettaWintryThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 5, 2013 at 11:08 pm
I'm a little bit confused with the ending paragraph because the sentences are a bit jumpy from subject to subject to fact to fact, but I really do LOVE the idea! I tried writing about lost memory once, but it was very, very difficult, and I seriously respect you being able to do this!!
TraeBryant said...
Oct. 22, 2012 at 8:25 am
This was good writing. It was pretty cool. It was very emotional. You put this together very well
skysky2230 said...
Oct. 2, 2012 at 8:33 am
This story is AMAZING!!! I loved it! I was kind of confused at first but then I understood. Great job! Keep up the good work! Hahaha!
writer3499 said...
Sept. 10, 2012 at 4:56 pm
WOW that was seriously amazing!!!! this is beautifully written and it is deffinetly one of my favourites!!! I love every single word! Please comment on some of my work because your an awesome writer and I could use the tips! Thanks! But this peice is fantastic!
AlwaysAbditive said...
Jul. 6, 2012 at 12:17 pm
This is really, really good. You have a very appealing style of writing. I'm just a little confused about the characters. Did her dad abuse her so much as to where she ended up losing her memory? What about her boyfriend and her baby? Where does that come in? Otherwise, very great story. Keep writing!
MissInkslinger replied...
Jul. 28, 2012 at 9:09 am
I have the same questions. It's really good and I want to understand more.
.Dimples replied...
Sept. 10, 2012 at 8:55 pm
This is the type of story that you need to read twice to understand. Remember the character doesnt have good memory. I enjoyed this story c:
Black_Rose_Princess said...
Jun. 14, 2012 at 10:28 pm
beautifully written; the ending was purely amazing; i really like your writing style!
Fakesmile said...
Jun. 14, 2012 at 7:48 pm
Great job! It did keep me thinking and it's one of my favorites so far out of all the teen ink stuff i've read! :) Please write more?
selenafan1 said...
Apr. 9, 2012 at 9:40 am
Wow very good it kept me sucked in the whole time cheers to you!
SweetTart said...
Dec. 21, 2011 at 11:21 pm
Whoah, this is intense. Youre awesome:)
Dakota_Love_LeFey said...
Nov. 29, 2011 at 6:50 pm
it was in a word amazing. it was deep and emotional. the part about breaking the frame and ripping the picture was so intense.
PeachyKeen2 said...
Nov. 29, 2011 at 2:10 pm
This is amazing! So good. So so good.
amesgriffey said...
Nov. 7, 2011 at 4:11 pm

This story was so intense! I loved it


AnimaCordis replied...
Nov. 25, 2011 at 2:02 pm
Oh wow! I loved this peice! I love your use of rehtorical questions. It's really deep and very moving. I think it's a very good story, almost a poem really. It's amazing!
blueandorange This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 24, 2011 at 7:36 pm
Very good.
SingleRose said...
Jul. 12, 2011 at 4:08 pm
That was crazy intense, it makes me sad. But I think that was the point. Great writing!
Little2Feet said...
Jun. 6, 2011 at 3:43 pm
This was intense...it was great!
krarthurs said...
Jun. 6, 2011 at 1:55 pm
Wow. This was so dark. I absolutely loved it
notaquantumphysicist said...
Jan. 25, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Wow! This was really good! You're right, I did have to read it twice! It's amazing!

Keep writing!

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