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I Lost It

By , Lubbock, TX
The first time it happened.... Oh I guess its been about a year now since the first time. The first time he hit me. I survived it, thinking ' oh well. he was just frustrated. He'll stop. ' And what do you know, I thought my prayers had been answered. For the longest time after that prayer, he was so good to me. He was the picture of hapiness and he was a great guy to me and my children. But things did change. I didnt ever think theyd change. Things had been so good. So happy. So perfect. It all started out like any other day. Gavvonn and Bailey went to day care. He went to work. I stayed in anton and worked with my cheerleaders on their up coming routines for West Union Dance Troupe. He came home like usual, I kissed him and asked how his day had been. He said it had been a rough day, just like any other one. I nodded, knowing how he hated his job. I came to the table with dinner waiting and we ate in a well deserved silence. He tucked the babies in and he went to bed. I stayed up until about 12:20 that night making out travel arangments for the upcoming trip to austin with my dance troupe.
At about 1 that night, when I had checked on the babies and Was finally ready to end my day, I went into our room and watched him sleeping as i packed for austin. I got into my pjs by about 1:15. I got into bed and tried to sleep. But something deep down was pulling at me. Pulling me further and further away I couldnt exactly pinpoint what it was. By about 2:00 I was at my whits end and desparate for sleep and calmness. I felt him stir slightly and I tensed, not wanting to wake him and knowing that if he saw me awake, hed be angry. He was awake though. He turned toward me and said " chloe what are you doing awake? Dont you have a plane to catch in the mornig? " I looked away, knowing just as well as he knew that I should have really been asleep. "yes. I just had alot to do and i just got to bed." (entirely not true. I had been trying to sleep for 45 minutes with no success. but I knew if I told him that, He would make me take ambian and Id have bad dreams. ) Passively he replied " Oh. Ok." and went back into his drifting rhelm somewhere between sleep and simi-conciousness. As he tossed and turned in the early hours of the morning, I contemplated that nagging feeling in the back of my scull. Almost as if it were a migrane but It was a thought. Not a physical feeling. I knew it must have been something important or it wouldve left me to sleep. I just couldnt figure it out and soon gave in to my bodies demands and fell in to a harsh and fitfull sleep.
When I woke up that morning to leave for the airport, He was already gone. i put gavvonn and bailey in the backseat of my tahoe. We arrived at LIA Just as the sun was comming up. The babies were tired and Hungery and they didnt want to be awake at that hour. i stepped inside the warm tunnel and Kissed them good bye. Aimee Hale took them into her arms (long time family friend and helpful nanny) and told them to say bye bye. I left the three of them, still wondering what the nagging in my soul had been the night before.
I boarded my plane at John F. Kennedy and continued on to austin, Little did I know when i got home my life would fall apart. I stayed in austin for 7 months, traveling to compete with my stars on some of the toughest stages in texas. They knew something had changed. My girls could feel the inpending changes and So could I. I know They felt the pressure and it showed alot in their preformance.
I flew home from Dallas on April 4 2008. When I came home, everything on the outside seemed to be ok. The kids had been ok and he seemed happy to have me back at home. Three nights after i got home, things started to change. The things that changed wouldve been unnoticable to most. But the way I know him, I saw the changes and I knew that the changes i saw would lead to impending doom.
He started to snap over the little things. Spilled water, Late nights working, one of the kids making a mess.... Trivial things thtat he had been ok with just 6 months before. I started to worry that I was the one whos doing something wrong to upset the marital arrangement. I thought that I wasnt making him happy and I didnt know how to fix what ever it was that I was doing wrong.
One night Things went wrong. He came home from work... and we did the usual routine that was mentioned in the first part of this story. But that day was different. He started by grabbing me. hard by the wrist because he couldnt get my attention. I backed away, not understanding what was to come. He yanked me back, the two of us standing in the middle of the living room where anyone could see. I closed my eyes and promised myself he was just frustrated. But in the back of my mind i knew he was so much more.
Chance:God damnit Chloe! why dont you do anything I tell you to do?! Huh bi***? tell me why!
Me:chance please... Be quiet. The kids are sleeping. I dont want to wake them up."
Chance:to hell you dont. If they wake up and start crying people will suspect something.
Me: no chance.... I just put them to sleep. I dont want them to cry all night. did I do something?
Chance: thats just it! Its what youre NOT doing!
Me: What do you mean? What do you want?
Chance: I want a wife that eximplifies the american lifestyle!!!!!Not one who works herself to the bone for some worthless little snot nosed brats who sit on daddys money and do cartwheels aroud the "untalented"!!
Me: Chance.... I have to work.... I cant quit...
Chance: well you better figure out something because I have no reason to deal with you being a bi***!
Me: Ok..... Im so sorry....

By this point he was too mad for my apologies to register. The first swing of his fist landed across my left cheekbone. When I felt his hand hit me... I cried. Knowing that people would hear, he covered my mouth and threatned me that hed leave. The second time it became so much more than hitting. He began to punch. He began to hold me down, where I was rendered helpless.
After that one night, He didnt hit me or lay a hand on me in any way until feburary of 2009. I miscarried our child and he thought I had had it aborted. I didnt want any more kids and he knew that. But I didnt abort it. I miscarried. To this day he still doesnt beleive me... He abuses me still. Worse some days and with alcohol than others. But Ive learned to cope. Thats all I can do. i had my freedom... Then I lost it...





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Stephanie T. said...
May 6, 2009 at 3:00 am
I am the author of this article. I wrote it for my long time freind and coach. She was being badly abused by her husband and there was nothing she could do to stop him and will not leave him for fear that the children will grow up wihtout a father and that he will one day come and find her. I wrote this to show her that I know what went on and that I care and desparatley want to help.
 
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